[AlteredState01]

I understand that those around me are trying their best to deal with, and to help me deal with, my illnesses, but the way they go about it actually seems to make my behaviour worse!

I don't want to put blame on them in any way, because I know that, at the very least, they truly care about me, otherwise, why else would they put up with the constant unevenness within me?

HOWEVER, their tactics for dealing don't always help and I can't seem to get them to understand this.

What are these tactics? Well, the main one - and by far, the most frustrating - is their silence.

Sometimes, silence is good. Silence after a freak out definitely makes me very aware of just how unacceptable some of my behaviours are for a grown woman, or anyone, for that matter. There is an immediate awareness on my part in this particular situation, and I can take steps to apologize and/or correct my behaviours before things get totally out of hand. I appreciate the value of this, embarrassing as it is for me (delayed consequences = delayed learning). On the other hand, their silence in most other situations causes great pain and anguish to me.

I know at times, I may be wanting attention for some reason or other, but in such cases, I can usually tell when I am in need extra attention/comforting and am not usually afraid to acknowledge and ask for this. I can also deal with having to wait for this attention, if they would only let me know that they need me to wait on them.

The periods when the silence is most deafening is when I make references to feeling unwell, when I make comments about having difficulties making decisions, or when I ask for advice when I am not sure I am being too much one way or the other, and so on. It seems that no one is really wanting to give me feedback, especially when I am ready, willing and able to receive it. I even make sure that I tell them that I am in a place where I can handle what they may have to say. Yet, responses rarely come. Not even an acknowledgment - just total silence. Like, if they ignore what I say, then it really wasn't said. As a matter of fact, it is only then when I start to push and push do I ever get and answer (or the truth) out of them. No wonder I can't seem to get a handle on my behaviours! I can never seem to get those around me to open up and be honest with me. Yes, yes, I know sometimes, the moment is just not right for them, etc., but these are standard procedures for them (otherwise it would not bother me so much).

Honesty and openness - I need that so much! I need to HEAR them - not just FEEL them! I am told over and over by therapists that I need to talk openly and honestly with my "family," but how does this work when it is only a one-way communication going on here?

The ironic thing is, I can totally understand their perspective(s) - why they are acting this way; why they want and might need to act this way - I can so clearly put myself in their shoes. I can totally empathize and I desperately sympathize. Hell, it's even hard for me to listen to me at times!

How do I find balance with this? I can recognize that these are, at times, purely childish needs (not meant to be taken in a derogatory way) , but how do I get these needs met in an adult manner? And how do I get my adult needs met in an adult manner?

How do I create a complete connection for myself when I do not have all the proper connectors? It is so unfair to ask them for all the connectors. Indeed, they themselves, may not even have those connectors nor can ever get them! No one should have to be pushed beyond their limits, either. (Funny, since this is one of my overall favourite tactics...)

I am always trying to relieve as much of the burden they carry as a result of my illness, by seeking help from outside sources such as praying, therapy, education, blogging (now); but the only ones that I want to know and love and trust, and the only ones that I care enough about to want to let see the real me, are the very same ones that I cannot ever seem to reach.

As I sit here and write this, I am feeling like what I am asking for is just not realistic. But this does not make sense, either. What is a relationship if not communication between two people? I am definitely not the "chatty" type in real life (yes, I see the irony here, too, as I yak, yak, yak). I'm more of an inside-my-own-mind-type with outward reflections of that inside. (Did that make sense?) I don't constantly seek attention for myself - that would freak me out too much, too!

So where does this leave me? I am talking, but only think and feel no one is listening? Or, are they listening, and I just can't hear them? Am I not paying enough attention? Maybe I'm paying too much attention and am suffering the old "can't see the forest for the trees" syndrome. Am I being too paranoid? Too overly sensitive? Why is it, that what they are able to give me, never seems to be enough for me? Am I still so void of my own value that I continue to seek their knowledge and approval for proof that I actually do exist and that I am worth listening to, at least some of the time?

Why can I not see anything when I look inside myself? I seem to have enough logic to question these things and analyze them to an adequate degree, but not ever logical enough to come to a peaceful and balanced understanding or acceptance of this situation.

I know where alot of my strength and weakness lie, I know what areas in life I am better at than others, I actually have positive views of my abilities (sometimes a little too positive...) and I am capable of great loyalty to those I cherish.

So why, with all the good, do I still feel like their silence is an invalidation of my existence and almost like a punishment?

So lost...

[Meta]

My parents have both passed away. I don't think they could hear me; they certainly couldn't deal with feelings.
I think as they say, they did the best they could. Obviously, I wanted much more, more like what I saw children in healthier families getting--I don't mean materially. Although when I was much younger, I was focused on the material.

Now, I see that the upset I felt about material concerns was just my child-self having something concrete to point to. I really longed for attention and love but could not articulate that.

Immersing myself in books and television was a way as a child to numb my feelings of loneliness and insecurity , anger and fear that my parents could not address. Because their parents had not addressed their needs.

Now sometimes I imagine my parents as the little lonely children they must have been in pre WWII America. My mother was an orphan, my father's father was quite strict, and strongly believed in beating his children. My parents grew up to be people who would rather die than talk about their problems, and they did die without talking about their problems.

My father was an unrecovered alcoholic and my mother's untreated depression progressed on to psychosis.
They were rarely if ever happy. They firmly believed that it was a sign of craziness to go to a psychiatrist or a counselor of any kind and in that they were not unlike many people of their generation or for that matter now.
Sometimes what I thought was the "cold shoulder" from them was actually their inability to deal on any level with feelings. I think anything I was distressed about, they had to minimize. or perhaps their parental guilt would be triggered.
I didn't understand this until I became a parent. It takes a great deal on my part to let my daughter have her anger and fear and not always try to make light of it or minimize it.

I was shocked the first time my daughter said "I hate You." I got angry at my "little ingrate." I also thought I was a failure as a parent and felt very guilty.

Then I realized what was going on and said to my daughter, " I understand, I think you are very angry at mommy right now> Let's talk about that, it's okay to be angry." You can't imagine how quickly her anger dissipated.
Our families and sometimes our friends cannot always be what we need them to be or even what common decency says they should be.
That is why we can find other outlets and understanding persons and meantime keep trying to strengthen ourselves.
I very recently started asserting myself when the situation called for it. People quite close to me were taken aback. It was scary for me to insist on certain boundaries and set bottom lines but it was necessary for my survival.
I am sure "the new me" I will make mistakes, but I have decided I have been passive for too long and a few mistakes in the opposite direction will be okay.

If I lose friends and family over healthy assertion of myself, I never really had them to begin with.

Best to you with your situation.

Meta