[Ihani]

I've always had a really bad obsessive personality. There's the people who like stuff, there's the people who love stuff, there's the people obsessed with stuff, and then there's me. I can only think of one month from April of 2009 until now when I wasn't obsessed with something. I become obsessed with celebrities and fiction, and even stuff like historical figures and true crime.

The obsessions I have are usually rapid, changing every few months. I get really attached to things really fast and all I can ever think about is that obsession. I wake up and the first thing I think about is that person or thing, and during the day all I can think about is them, and when I go to sleep it's that thing or person again. There is literally almost no moments where I don't think about it.

This causes me to get a bit hysteric. I realize what I'm doing is really crossing lines. I try to get everything I can related to my obsession and the only thing I can ever talk about to people is whatever I'm constantly thinking of. Usually I'm more into things from the 40s to 60s, so I don't really relate to kids at school very well, which frequently leaves me alone. When I'm alone I just think about it constantly and then I start to realize this dumb little fantasy world I have in my head isn't real and all I'll ever see is a picture of the person or thing through a screen or a page and they're famous and successful and I'll always just be some middle class American citizen.

It's either then or just by seeing a simple picture of them without that thought that I started having some physical reaction to it. My chest kind of tightens, my stomach feels empty, and I just start crying. If I do anything more related to them it'll make me feel worse but if I don't do anything I keep thinking of them anyway. This can go on for hours and I get so desperate I start thinking of ways to escape, the only real way being death.

And I don't know, thinking suicidal thoughts because I'm so obsessed with something isn't okay to me. But I can't stop it and it won't stop and I don't want to give up being obsessed with things but I know one day it'll stop only for something new to take it's place. It's really a problem in my life and people think I'm annoying and I know I'm annoying but it won't go away. It's probably even worse than my OCD.

Anyway, that's my rant. Thanks for reading.