[northraven]

So these forums are still very new to me and I feel awkward sharing in such a public and yet anonymous way. I do find some relief though in just getting my thoughts and feelings out of my head. Maybe someone will read them, maybe not. There is benefit I am finding in just writing it down and not keeping it inside my mind. I spend a lot of time in my head.

I got through the day with less moments of panic than yesterday. I had a few moments too when my smiles felt real, not just forced because I need to be pleasant at work. I even had a few thoughts where I could see ways I am very fortunate to have what I have and who I have to support me. After 4ish weeks of relentless worry, fear, panic and overwhelming despair today definitely felt a bit lighter to be in.

The anxiety is still there, it crept in super easy and fast at times today. I had to be very mindful of it. That is a struggle. I am feeling very 'me-focused' right now, which is not usual for me, and which is why I probably struggle the way I do- I am good at taking care of others, more so than myself. My friends are great, they are connecting, checking in with me, listening when I need to talk. I just don't feel like I am giving a lot back right now. I know that is okay too, I have given a lot over the years and friendship is about sharing and holding one another up. Easy to say, harder to remember.

Struggling with being tired. That is what first highlighted what was going on for me- insomnia. After 6 weeks that really hasn't changed much. Medication is helping me sleep, not as good of a sleep as I need to be getting but it is some sleep. My work place has been super supportive too. I have the option to come in later while I adjust to my new medication. So I can get my daughter up and out the door for her day and lay down for another hour if I need it before I have to head to work. It is a blessing to be so supported right now. The constant tiredness is draining, and then I worry I am not giving the best of myself right now or that my lateness is a burden which causes me to worry and then I loop back into anxiety. I can see that easier today. I may not always be able to see it as easy and it may get the best of me sometimes, but for today I am glad I could see it.

I am hoping to connect with a counselor soon. We have a program at work and hopefully I will get to talk to someone tonight about setting something up.

Well I really need to eat, another challenge, hard to make myself do this. But my tummy feels better when I eat after my medication so I should make the effort.

Thanks for taking the time to connect with me