[Vossie42]

I've had mild to moderate anxiety for the past few years. Most of it was situational and easily handled. When I was laid off two years ago, the anxiety blew up. Starting a new job that turned out to be a bad one and my father passing away made things worse. Now I'm doing what I've been wanting to do for a long time - go back to school for a degree in accounting. But I'm not happy and the anxiety is still in the way. It's the start of the semester and I'm already behind.

I'm not currently stable on my meds. The 4 classes I'm taking are certainly doable if I were stable and had only transient anxiety problems. As it is, the anxiety is present 24/7 to varying degrees. It interferes with concentrating on schoolwork. It's impossible to read, and I have a lot of reading to do. I may have to drop classes. That prospect does not make me feel better.

The thing is, nothing is making me feel better. Going to school to get a CPA and work at a better job doesn't thrill me. School is so stressful. Dropping out of school and returning to work is an option that doesn't thrill me either. I don't see what can bring me relief. I took Xanax all week and fell behind on schoolwork from the get-go. And the Xanax didn't provide much relief from the anxiety. It just made me groggy, which is not conducive to school and can actually make me more anxious.

Wah! I wasn't always like this. The anxiety used to be situational. At some point it became general and I didn't recognize it for what it was or get help until it got this bad. I wasn't in therapy for a few years until recently. I'm still searching for a med cocktail that will work for me. It just takes awhile, I know. In the meantime I feel miserable.

I have so much to be thankful for yet I feel so awful. I feel so trapped. My life feels like a long, dark tunnel that's closing in on me. Yikes, even that imagery alone makes me feel anxious! Just wanted to vent.

[Lacw22]

I feel so much like that too. After my dog passed I held it in and then the anxiety just blew up. I started new meds about 3 weeks ago, and it started to help and then I had an anxiety attack 3 days ago and it scared me because I thought I was improving. My counselor says its normal and it's a process but I'm so frustrated. I see my friends and family who can live normally and I have this almost constant irrational fear and an actual fear of the fear! I feel like I don't know why I should do anything in life, like it's just over now that I have this anxiety so bad it here is no way I can forget it or let it go.

[Vossie42]

Yes, that stupid fear of the fear!

I'm sorry your dog passed away. I know it hurts so bad. I've lost pets before. Scientists are only beginning to recognize the strength of the bond people have with their pets and to acknowledge that losing a pet can be a truly traumatizing experience. But we know already that our hurt is legitimate.

[Little Lulu]

Sorry to hear where you are Vossie. I can definitely relate as I had random anxiety that morphed into generalized anxiety right after grad school and, like you, it had been coming on for a while but I ignored it and tried to push through.

That was many years ago but I have not forgotten how bad I felt at the time. What I now see was the fear of failure driving my anxiety - I was making a big jump going to grad school and took a higher level job after I graduated but that job came with more responsibilities.

I ended up doing well in my new position but I was just so hard on myself back then (and still am sometimes). I see now that I could have taken a little more casual approach and been better off! You know what they say about hindsight ... gheez.

Hugs.

[Vossie42]

Thanks, Little Lulu! I think you hit the nail on the head with your post. Part of what has been my undoing is comparing myself to my beautiful, super nice and incredibly smart niece who's attending an Ivy League university. When you're 45, comparing yourself to a 19 year old probably will not end well.

I'm probably going to drop a couple of classes this semester to lighten my load to something more bearable and less anxiety-provoking. I'm signed up for 4 right now: 3 tough ones and 1 moderate one. Dropping classes would throw my schedule off, but so would death. The anxiety is that bad.

And yes, getting my schooling done means taking the CPA exams, which are tough themselves. Passing the exams would put me in line for a better job but with more responsibilities. I'm accustomed to entry-level stuff that you don't even need a college degree for. Eek!

Thanks for your support and insight! I'll try to make things easier for myself even if it takes longer.

Have you tried CBT? It can be very very helpful for this kind of anxiety.

[benson123]

Originally Posted by Little Lulu

Sorry to hear where you are Vossie. I can definitely relate as I had random anxiety that morphed into generalized anxiety right after grad school and, like you, it had been coming on for a while but I ignored it and tried to push through.

That was many years ago but I have not forgotten how bad I felt at the time. What I now see was the fear of failure driving my anxiety - I was making a big jump going to grad school and took a higher level job after I graduated but that job came with more responsibilities.

I ended up doing well in my new position but I was just so hard on myself back then (and still am sometimes). I see now that I could have taken a little more casual approach and been better off! You know what they say about hindsight ... gheez.

Hugs.

Hi, your experience is so similar to mine. After college (I went back in my mid-twenties), the anxiety just took over. I feel like I am going to fail all the time. I held jobs for years before I graduated but after I get so scared, I up and quit one job and took intermediate fmla for the next. I started a new one recently and I am so afraid it will happen again. I just want to feel calm and confident.

[Vossie42]

Originally Posted by benson123

Hi, your experience is so similar to mine. After college (I went back in my mid-twenties), the anxiety just took over. I feel like I am going to fail all the time. I held jobs for years before I graduated but after I get so scared, I up and quit one job and took intermediate fmla for the next. I started a new one recently and I am so afraid it will happen again. I just want to feel calm and confident.

Congratulations on the new job!

Maybe you feel like you're going to fail at life? I sure feel like that. Or perhaps you have more to lose now like Little Lulu? That can certainly put pressure on you. Were the jobs ones that you liked and did well at, or were you doing them to pay the bills? I find that as I get older, doing well at a job that I don't really like gets increasingly difficult.

The same thing doesn't have to happen at the new job. Figuring out what went wrong with the previous two jobs can help you figure out ways to keep the same thing from happening at this job.

Anxiety sucks, doesn't it?

[benson123]

Anxiety does suck. I think dropping some of your classes is a good idea. You don't want your gpa to slip and you want to learn the material. I dropped classes occasionally. You just want to check with your financial aid.