[mtander]

Hi guys,

I've had seasonal affective disorder, but have been told by my therapist that I probably have an underlying anxiety disorder as well--yippee. It makes sense though, because I spend an excessive amount of my time worrying. Anyway, it has really been affecting my work lately. It is a vicious cycle.

I work at a local corporation that is (in)famous for a fear-based management style. They are just not very nice around here :-( and last week I was told by my boss that he felt I was more or less incompetent, not working hard enough and not making quick enough progress. I worked 50 hours that week (and from 8:30AM to 2AM on Monday????) so I call ******** on that one. Either way though, I'm experiencing ups and downs in my ability to focus and my self-esteem.

Now that I'm under the gun to get some stuff done--I'm trying to make speedy progress at work, but I freeze up and can't do much of anything. I start to think people are watching me, not really but more that they're judging my work efforts. And I'm running into a real problem, because I also want to make progress in my treatment... but I can't convince myself that I am worth taking care of. I know that's illogical. But. My therapist wants me to practice mindfulness techniques ie being in the moment, but even thinking about 5 minutes of that gives me guilt because in those 5 minutes I wouldn't be working or helping other people. I can't convince myself that I come anywhere but last in the list of who I need to take care of. That being said, I'm going to try mindfulness techniques anyway since this is clearly part of the problem. How do you convince yourself you're worth it?

[CloudyDay99]

Hi mtander,

It's tough working in such a negative environment. I've been using some mindfulness techniques to help me with some of my own issues including job troubles. Being in the moment would be helping not only yourself but other people as well. An example for you: I get distracted easily. Some of my work requires exact steps so I don't mess it up. I try to be mindful by focusing on each step minute by minute and visualize the person I am helping with this work.

Good luck with your practice.

[Tsuki632]

Have you ever heard the expression "slow down to go faster"? I find that's what mindfulness does for me. If 5 minutes feels too long, try 3, or 1, or even 5 breaths (about 30 seconds.) If I take a moment to breathe I usually get more done in the next 5 minutes then I otherwise would have. Once you're comfortable with 30 seconds, work up to a minute, and so on.

Your toxic work environment isn't helping for sure (I don't envy you that) but don't let that dictate your worthiness. By virtue of existing on the planet, you are "worth" it. Convincing yourself of that is hard in our society, but if you don't take care of yourself, how can you do your best? When you don't feel like you're worth it, ask yourself that question. I write down the answers sometimes, it helps me see that my logic is faulty. It's easier for me to disprove something written down, than thoughts in my head.

Part of mindfulness is to realize that thoughts and feelings are just thoughts and feelings, they are not fact. Be gentle with yourself. If it helps, pretend you're saying all the negative things you think about yourself to a child. Would you say those things to another person? Not likely. Now pretend you are that child. If you wouldn't say them to another, they're probably not useful (or true) to yourself.

I wish you success and solace.