[Pboo]

I'm probably going to leave out information or describe my issues in a bad way, Sorry for that in advance. Sorry for grammar and spelling errors too. I've never done this before.
I'm 16.

Okay I guess I will start with ho things used to be I don't know...
In elementary school I can't really remember much but I do believe I was a pretty social kid. I was a class clown and I made above average grades. I talked to pretty much everyone and could make friends very easily.
well yeah not much to talk about for that...

Any who, In middle school it took me a while to make friends but it was sort of the same as elementary school. except I couldn't do oral presentations. Every single time I tried to do one I would start to cry. It started in 6th grade when I was trying to explain a recipe for potato salad to my classmates. I just went up there and started talking normally expecting it to go easily, then randomly started crying for no reason at all. This was at the beginning of the year and I didn't really know anyone except for a few people at the time. I thought it was natural to be afraid. In 7th grade I had to read poems in the library to my class. I talked to almost everyone in that class. When i tried to read my poem I couldn't speak at all and i started shaking and began to tear up. My teacher sat me down before I started crying badly. I'm glad she did that instead of just letting me cry for 2 minutes and then giving me a D like my 6th grade teacher did :|. In 8th grade the only kind of presentation I had to do was a small skit in front of the class. This was a small class and i was doing the skit with my close friends. The whole time it was happening i never even glanced at the other students. I actually got into the act pretty well and made a B and made the script myself. I guess all of those factors = me not crying and I was really proud of myself.

Okay so then I move on to high school no problem. In 9th grade I sort of lost all of my friends just by not talking to them. We had separate lunches and classes. Also a lot of them just didn't end up going to the same high school in the first place. In 9th and 10th grade teachers start requiring me to look at the class from time to time during presentations. I cried every single time. I'm in 11th grade now and I just stopped doing them at all.

I just started excluding myself from people more and more with each year in high school. I don't know why but I just stopped liking interaction with others. My few friends from middle school wonder why I suddenly turned shy as well. I semi-jokingly blamed it on some kind of invisible anxiety fairy putting a curse on me for no reason.

Now things are really starting to get bad. I keep thinking about bad things that might happen all the time. I have issues with just speaking to people at all even if they ask me simple questions. I got in big trouble for refusing to work on a presentation in Spanish. I was tired of not being able to speak up so I tried using Google to figure out what was wrong with me. I thought I had selective mutism and I told my teacher and explained to her what happened in the previous years when i tried to do presentations. I had to write it on a sheet of paper and give it to her though because talking to adults about serious issues makes me cry. She thankfully understood and stopped pestering me so much about not talking. I also told her to not tell my mother because I'm really scared of what she might think. this felt wrong trying to diagnose myself as if I was a doctor or something. That might not even be the issue. My teacher put me in a group with a bunch of girls that I don't even know well. She thought it would help me to try to get me to talk to people, but I did not like it one bit. I just put my head down and started crying. This time she told my mother that I wasn't doing my work and she was worried about me. My mom is a teacher at my school so sure enough she comes to the class. She starts fussing at me thinking i put my head down and went to sleep because nobody saw me crying.

I started realizing I don't like the way society is set up. The way so many people are extroverted and socialize and expect others to socialize. I often don't answer people when they talk to me because I'm scared of them. they think I'm either retarded(well I guess I really am socially retarded anyway?), or stuck up and I don't want to waste my breath on them or something.

I'm scared to talk to certain people and in certain situations. I refuse to get a job because I really don't want to be around people for hours. I'm really afraid I will mess something up and my boss would yell at me or I would make customers angry. I want a source of income so very badly so I can purchase an expensive gaming computer. I spend all of my time at home on the computer in my room. The people who I type to or talk to on skype are the only ones I'm comfortable with communicating with. A lot of times I can barley answer my mother when she is asking me things and she says It's like pulling teeth to get me to talk. I can tell it Irritates her.

For a bit I decided I would just try to live in an apartment on my own and see if I could somehow contribute to society while never leaving my apartment. This sounded really great to me until I thought about how many people think that is bad. They all think that being a social outcast is such a terrible thing but i love being alone. I hate Christmas and Thanksgiving. The presents and money I get is not worth the hours of inner turmoil i have to go through by being forced to socialize with distant family members.

I was okay with just having issues talking to people but now i'm really getting scared that I won't be able to function in society correctly. My mom has noticed me becoming more and more quiet and she tells me that I will need to just get over my shyness and to get through life I have to talk to others. I wanted to kill my self so badly yesterday. I didn't think I belonged in this world. I kept asking myself why I couldn't speak to others and why I was so afraid to do everyday tasks that everyone else does fine. But if I killed myself that would make other people sad.


I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know what to do.
I can't think of anything traumatizing that would cause any of this.
Thinking about these things during class has really been affecting my school work.
I don't know how I'm supposed to explain all of this to my mom.
I feel like she will think I'm crazy. The last time my sister tried to talk to my mom about suicide, my mom just said she was stupid. She is not very understanding.
I usually write to my Spanish teacher about my problems but I know if I told her anything about this she would immediately go to my mom, and so would any other person.
Do I need medicine?
I don't want to be a burden on my family and have to be one of those people that take medicine all the time because I'm not normal.
My dad already has diabetes and he has to take a ton of pills that I would assume are expensive?

[live2ski66]

First, I'm not a therapist or professional in the field so I can't guess what you might have or guess if you need meds. I saw my first therapist in College, around 1986. I went in with a list of everything and everyone who was out to get me. After some exploration, we concluded that it had something to do with my childhood. I only had five sessions available so after the fifth session "I was cured". Fast forward about five years, what I thought were the same triggers resurfaced with a vengeance. Another short stint with a therapist and "I was cured". Fast forward a few more years and this time I went on my own initiative because I didn't like who I was and who I was becoming. At this point I got my first antidepressant. Typical of most patients I was not consistent with the meds. I would feel good and go off. Then I had my major crisis, around 2003. Lost job, boyfriend that had a roommate who enjoyed tormenting me and boyfriend didn't protect me, newly divorced, moved out of town to a 3000sq FT home (all alone). I found an awesome psychiatrist who took me under his wing, set me up with the correct meds and counseled me.
There is nothing wrong with you if you end up needing meds. I figure I will be on mine for the rest of my life. The alternative, no meds, sounds horrible. You shouldn't worry about the cost of meds. They range from $5 to $700 or more. If the Pdoc. Decides you need meds, he will help you or direct you to resources that make the meds affordable.
HOWEVER, THE FIRST AND MOST IMMEDIATE THING YOU SHOULD DO IS TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL. You can start with your school counselor. They have some training in mental health and they are bound by the patient doctor confidentiality. They will not say anything unless they believe your life is in imminent danger. If you don't like your counselor, do a google search for your area and find the mental health center (I've used them when I had a crisis). I don't know what the laws are in your state, you can ask them if you need parental approval.
The hardest part is making the first call and accepting that you need some help. For me, my psychiatrist told me he thought I was bipolar 2. I was arrogant and didn't believe him. He encouraged me to go to a presentation, and it went in protest, sat in the back and was ready to bolt until I started hearing the talk. Every example they gave resembled me. After an hour presentation I wasn't arrogant. I realized this disease is more common than reported.
Finally, when I have to explain it to someone who doesn't understand mental health I tell them that the chemicals in my brain are out of whack and the meds even them out.
So please don't be afraid (easier said than done) and try talking to the school counselor. You'll soon find out that all the fear and anxiety just made the problem appear gigantic.
Hope this helps and feel free to message me if you have questions, want a friend, need to vent, etc.

seeing someone is defenetly a start. at least if you tell someone how you feel and what's going on in your head etc etc, you know where you stand- and perhaps they can offer you something you can try next

also here if you want to talk

[Kaboodle]

Hi...you definitely need to talk to someone (an adult) you can trust. School employees have training on teen issues when they have staff development...those days the kids are off and the teachers are at the schools. Suicide is not the answer. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem and tears lives to shreds. Visit jasonfoundation.com for more information.

Post back and let us know how things are going for you. You will get through this.