[Buzz619]

Hi,

I'm a second year Pharmacy student, i am really hard working. I graduated from high school with an average of 97%. i got straight A's in college and in first year pharmacy (last year), but now.. i just can't take it anymore. my social anxiety is getting so much worse and i became really really sensitive to noises. I have to wear noise cancelling ear phones and an expensive noise cancelling head phone on top of it and listen to white noise 24/7 in order to concentrate. I even sleep with them on, otherwise i'd just stay up all night. I don't know whats happening to me. On top of that, there are noises and moves that make me EXTRA anxious, like when this girl in my class speaks.. i just HATE here voice, it makes me so angry!!. When im at the library... i hate looking at people, they just make me feel anxious and so i always sit on one of the tables facing the wall and cover my head with a my hoodie. My ears often hurt so much after a long time wearing the earphones and sometimes they bleed. I sometimes can't speak with my friends and can't answer phone calls. I can't even pick up when my mom calls which makes me feel so so so bad. My older brother died about a year ago in a car accident and i think about him a lot. I don't feel sad about him anymore though, Its god's will and i don't object. I started cutting myself again and sometimes punish myself by not eating for a day or two. I have a 9% coursework test on Monday next weak and i haven't started studying yet. I feel so dumb and hopeless. I just know that i'm smart enough and that i have the potential.. but i just can't do it anymore. I feel powerless and mentally ill and weak. I can't go to my GP, i tried a lot but i just can't. I've been on meds before and i came off them i don't know why, i guess i was scared because no one was with me to help if something would have happen to me (I live alone).

God.. i'm just rambling about random things.. I just don't know what to DO!!Any advice?

[Frankbtl]

Hi Buzz, you're going to want to skip past this when you hear what I'm going to say but PLEASE don't, just PLEASE bear with me.
Right, you do seriously need to get some professional help with what you're going through. OK??
You're NOT dumb, you're NOT hopeless, you're NOT weak, it's NOT your fault!!! And you deserve much more than to have to live with/like this. So NOT an option, you really need to reach out (however hard, and I know it's going to be really hard) and get some of the help that's out there.
It can start with picking up the phone (however hard!) and calling your G.P. If you explain the situation then you might not even have to actually physically go. A lot of G.P's can do home visits. Now that might make "your skin crawl" but choice is yours......which is going to be worst?? visiting them or having them visit you?? One or the other!!
As for the medication......being on your own if something were to happen.......you know that the chances of something that big happening are very unlikely.......and you know that it's your anxiety NOT you........stopping you........easy for me to say, but DON'T LET IT!!!
That might well be your foot in the door to finally/again living more of the life you want to live and to managing to be more YOU again.
And no doubt the death of your brother must have had a real impact on you, and I am really sorry for your loss, but with that step in the door maybe you can get some help in managing the grief which you must be feeling even if the anxiety is blurring the edges of that.
Study, do I really need to go into that?? You and me know that you are going to be able to "floor it" once the "load" is lightened a bit for you. You've clearly got what it takes!! But why let all of that be buried under what you're going through right now??
SO.....no questions (!!)....no arguments (!!).....you DO need to reach out and get some help.
Right, you probably think I'm a ........ right now? but call it "tough love"
You DO need to get help, you DESERVE help.
Alison
P.S. If you want to follow on..................I am here for you............