[wickerthoughts]

Hello,
I am a new member to this forum and it is my first time being on a forum, but I am a little desperate for support.

I am a 19 yrs old student and my only family is composed of my two parents who have raised me and brought me to North America for a better life. Our relationship is not ideal. My father, though he loves me, rarely, if ever, showed it. My mother and I are very close but she is quick to anger and can be vicious at verbal attacks. I am grateful of their sacrifices that gave me life and opportunities that they never had and I have worked so hard to make use of it. Years of pent up stress and innate anxiety issues have wound me up so tightly.

Dues to a series of academic difficulties and familial economic crisis, I have requested a break from school so I could find a job and experience the real world though I have no degree. I feel like I can never make it out there but I still keep trying. So there is pressure on me and my temper runs short.

Today, my mother and I had an argument where she was trying to help me feel better but did quite the opposite. I snapped and stormed out to take a walk. It was in the middle of a late winter snow storm, but I just had to get out. When I came back, my mother became furious at me because she thought that I had over-reacted, which I agreed on and apologized for rather difficultly. However, she seemed to think that I had to right to treat her the way I did and started to scream at me that I am useless, that I have brought everything to myself, that I am an ungrateful brat, that I can't stand anything because they have spoilt me too much and so on. She does that when she perceives that I have wronged her. All I did was to lash out angrily at the door and go out for a walk. But she keeps provoking me until I screamed back and we escalated until I smashed two cups on the floor and punched through a wall.

I feel so guilty and scared that out relationship had now an irreparable rift. I have always been convinced that I was useless and weak and ungrateful and stupid. I have also been very depressed for a long time. Thoughts of suicide surface time and time again and this time it is so much worse, but I still want to hold on. I want to die but I am afraid of what might come after. I truly feel like there is no hope left. Even if I might study well, get a good job and so on, I think that I will never be happy. Maybe I will get over today and move on, but I feel that everything will lose its meaning eventually. All I can see is more pain and worry and loneliness.

The rational part of me is saying that this is nonsense, but here I am crying and shaking in a cold room telling internet strangers about my problems. I don't have close friends, a job or anything that might make me my own person yet. I don't know how to deal with my mother and I don't know what my father thinks.

Please, can someone make me feel better. I don't want to be scared and miserable anymore.

I know this is nothing compared to anything else, but it feels like the end.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear about what's going on with your parents. I went through a similar situation with mine and no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough to please one of them.

I learned in therapy that, even though they put clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and food on the table...they had no right to treat me like I was stupid, useless, or ungrateful. That's called emotional abuse.

You need to seek a therapist and learn coping skills to deal with your low self-esteem and anger. Your mother will continue to push your buttons, and you need to be able to deal with that if you intend to stay with your parents.

Once you get help, you can work to feel better, start setting boundaries between yourself and your parents, and learn to be your own person.

[marmaduke]

Fharraige
I learned in therapy that, even though they put clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and food on the table...they had no right to treat me like I was stupid, useless, or ungrateful. That's called emotional abuse.

Agree. Any parent that does not willingly provide for their children without resentment, should not have had kids in the first place.

Parents are NOT doing children a 'favor' by caring for them, it is their duty. Its their duty to shelter, feed, clothe, provide and love unconditionally. They should not treat a child as a burden, dump their inadequacy's on it, use it as a prop or scapegoat.

Parents who expect thanks, feel hard done by, & are full of resentment for doing basic stuff are lazy and toxic narcissists.

[littlemiss44]

Just the fact that you feel guilty for all they've done for you is not good...our parents duty is to take care of us. If yr parents moved to give you A better life then that was their choice. It's definitely nothing to feel bad about. Yr mom is.putting guilt trips on you. She seems emotionally abusive and it would benefit you to see a therapist. These are deep wounds that you'll need to work out with a professional. Why do you think you feel useless and weak? Those messages have been planted in you from an early age. Now that you are a young adult,.you are trying to stand up fir yr self and that is why yr mom seems even more controlling. What you are feeling is important. I'm trying to be helpful so I hope I'm not coming across too strong. I.just know what it means to be emotionally abused as I was and at times I still am but VERY little. I've had alot of therapy..alot...and that had saved me more than you know. You are still young so there is light at the end of the tunnel no much you think there isn't. I'm.living proof that you can over come this abuse but you need to want the help. Find free or.reduced pricing for therapy. Resources are out there. Look on the web git yr area. This is the only thing that will bring you true peace. Good luck and if you ever need to vent feel free to pm me here. Take care

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[Kaboodle]

Hi...So sorry for your bad experiences. I've been in situations where I have felt like the victim so to speak. But, I try to turn things around. Our life experiences make us who we are. If someone grows up angry, then he/she becomes an angry adult. By the time someone reaches adulthood, there is a lot of things swept under that emotional rug and they do build up and it comes out in the form of anger and aggression. What makes your mother so angry? I don't think it's you per se, but maybe it's what happened through HER life. You are just her outlet. If your father has not been one to show love, she has probably been neglected in that department as far as the emotional connection that make a loving husband/wife team. When your mother says mean things to you, it's not to hurt you but to make HERSELF feel better--sort of like a bully--not that it makes it right. It's sort of like someone who self-mutilates. The person has pain and it has to come out in some form. You can think of your father along these same lines, also,

Try feeling sorry for her. Try taking on the role of caretaker/parent in your mind. Next time she starts something, don't participate. It takes two people to have an argument. Don't apologize for being you.

I love a quote by Joyce Meyer that says..."When you feel down, go be a blessing to somebody else." It takes our eyes off ourselves and points them in a different direction.

Also, if you can afford therapy, go for it. If you cannot, check with the local health department and see what is offered. I cannot emphasize enough how much exercise helps. Just the freedom to walk/run, deep breathe, and get rid of some of the stress hormones makes me feel better every time.

It is not the end. This is a bump in the road we call life. You sound like a very intelligent, sensible young lady and you have a lot of life ahead of you. I can see you married with children and raising them in a loving and nurturing environment! Just take one day at a time and do your best.