[PinkPearl]

Hi All,
I've been experiencing intense anxiety over an embarrassing situation. Recently have been dealing with domestic abuse at home - a fairly serious incident of physically threatening behavior by my husband two months ago, and more recently a lot of emotional abuse. After the physical incident, I told a mutual friend of ours - my son's hockey coach - about what happened because I felt he would understand, being a prosecutor of domestic violence cases, and he's also always been kind to me. He's also a lot older than me and I think I was looking for a male I looked up to to help me to feel validated and safer. I went through a long period of anxiety and depression over everything these past couple months (and I'm also 38 weeks pregnant, so that doesn't help either with the hormones). I told this friend of ours a LOT about what was happening. Eventually, two weeks ago, he said that he couldn't know any more about what was happening because he's my son's hockey coach (and I think he was concerned about legal implications). I absolutely understand that, and I think I knew it the whole time but was so desperate for support from people who would understand. It was SO stupid of me. Although he did show concern and has been pretty patient with me, I'm pretty sure he was aggravated and I feel so incredibly embarrassed about my behavior, the way I kept bugging him, telling him I was worried about whether he believed me (which I was), and apologizing over and over (another product of my anxiety). Ugh. How can I forgive myself for this? And how can I manage seeing this friend all the time - I see him a couple times a week for our kids' sports practices (both hockey and lacrosse)?

[Travelinglady]

Hi, PinkPearl, I think it was only natural, as you say, given the man's line of work, that you would reach out to him. You understandably needed someone to talk to.

Please don't be hard on yourself for sharing. You might feel a bit embarrassed or anxious about it right now, but that will pass. He will get back to concentrating on coaching hockey and lacrosse, and you can go back to being a hockey/lacrosse mom.

That said, please do find someone to talk to. I recommend a therapist. I am sad to hear about your being in a abusive situation--and it needs to stop. A therapist can also give you some support. Okay?

[PinkPearl]

Thank you, Traveling Lady. I do have a therapist, but I don't think he acknowledges the seriousness of the situation with my husband, who really affects my mental health when he goes off on me (I'm sure I need a new therapist, as is my psycho-pharmacologist). My psycho-pharmacologist is much more supportive and validating. I've seen a social worker at my OB/GYN's office and she, without me expressing any opinion, told me my husband is a "classic batterer", just based on the mean and manipulative things he says to me. The emotional abuse alone is incredibly painful - It took my husband about 45 minutes of tearing me apart a couple weeks ago to leave me depressed and hopeless (with suicidal ideation) for weeks. My husband rarely has ever physically abused me over our 14-year marriage, but the incident two months ago drove me over the edge of sanity and resulted in the embarrassing behavior toward my son's coach. I was basically begging this friend for help and validation he couldn't give me. I know I aggravated him. I need to stop apologizing to him and hopefully this will blow over. I think he knows this has been a crazy-making time for me. He told me he knows I'm in a "tough spot" - I'm pregnant with our second child; I have no control over the finances; I have to be careful what I say to my husband to avoid blow-ups; and I'm confused because my husband is loving and nice to me a good deal of the time and is perfectly normal in public. Again, thank you for your response. I've felt really alone, despite having talked to a few professionals and a couple friends about this.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by PinkPearl

Thank you, Traveling Lady. I do have a therapist, but I don't think he acknowledges the seriousness of the situation with my husband, who really affects my mental health when he goes off on me (I'm sure I need a new therapist, as is my psycho-pharmacologist). My psycho-pharmacologist is much more supportive and validating. I've seen a social worker at my OB/GYN's office and she, without me expressing any opinion, told me my husband is a "classic batterer", just based on the mean and manipulative things he says to me. The emotional abuse alone is incredibly painful - It took my husband about 45 minutes of tearing me apart a couple weeks ago to leave me depressed and hopeless (with suicidal ideation) for weeks. My husband rarely has ever physically abused me over our 14-year marriage, but the incident two months ago drove me over the edge of sanity and resulted in the embarrassing behavior toward my son's coach. I was basically begging this friend for help and validation he couldn't give me. I know I aggravated him. I need to stop apologizing to him and hopefully this will blow over. I think he knows this has been a crazy-making time for me. He told me he knows I'm in a "tough spot" - I'm pregnant with our second child; I have no control over the finances; I have to be careful what I say to my husband to avoid blow-ups; and I'm confused because my husband is loving and nice to me a good deal of the time and is perfectly normal in public. Again, thank you for your response. I've felt really alone, despite having talked to a few professionals and a couple friends about this.

Pinkpearl, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going thru, especially with being pregnant as well. I think the reason you talked to the coach was because of his job..he would be uniquely able to not only understand, but to help if needs be. And I think needs be, but his lack of constructive action (other than listening, and then eventually grudgingly listening) was counter-productive at the end. Especially, if it made you feel even more foolish than you already felt.

IMO you should contact a crisis center, or intervention center/shelter for battered women. They would provide the ear you REALLY need, as well as affirmation and understanding....also give you ideas about what you can do if you want to (at some point) leave this situation.

I know you're hurting and are emotionally battered as well....please seek out help from people who are not only ABLE to help you with this, but who WANT to help you because they've seen women just like you and that's why they're in the jobs THEY are in.

Take care