[elizabeth1984]

Hello,

I am a newcomer to this forum and I wanted to post a little background about myself and the issues I am facing. I am not currently seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist for help with these issues.

I'm 29, and I have been working as a graphic designer at a corporation for around 4 years. In my background I have had issues with self-multilation starting at age 13, worsening at age 16 and progressing into my early to mid 20s. I spent a day in a psychiatric facility at age 16 for these issues, and had begun seeing a psychiatrist / psychologist at regular intervals. At this age I had been prescribed medication and diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and depression, though I no longer take any medication and it has been several years since I have sought medical help.

Being in a generally happy relationship, I have stopped my self mutilation for relatively 4-5 years at this point, however I still experience many of the issues I had when I was younger.

I also had been more recently (within the past 2-3 years) been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian disorder, and possible hormonal issues.

In the past year I have been increasingly missing work. Ever since I was a young teenager I have required a lot of sleep, ranging from minimum 10-12 or more hours a night. In the first 2 years I had a very oppressive boss who demeaned me constantly, leading me to quit my job. The head of the department offered me a job under a different manager, not wanting me to leave the company. I still remain at my job, and am able to complete tasks and projects on time however my anxiety over being at work continues to remain even though I have been 2 years away from my previous oppressive boss.

My current boss doesn't quite understand the issues I am dealing with and does mention that my absenteeism is an issue and suggests I go to HR to discuss my problems. It is difficult to explain even to myself what I am experiencing and even more embarrassing to let people know about it.

I frequently oversleep, come in late and take sick time. I feel exhausted all the time and often will get completely dressed for work and decide not to go. At my work I am constantly bombarded by stimuli, as we have an open workplace - there is only one wall in my work area and all day long I hear talking and discussions and shouting and it agitates me to no end. My only solution has been to crank up the music on my headphones, but some days it is not enough. I typically keep to myself and opt out of social interactions and events even though I usually can articulate well and don't get nervous before meetings.

Some days the prospect of dealing with others is too much. On the days I stay home I either sleep or lie in bed, with no music, tv on or anything whatsoever, just a fan to use as white noise. Since I was a baby I have slept with a white noise maker or fan, and cannot sleep in absolute silence, however I constantly dread loud sounds and areas with abundant amounts of noise. At work I spend a good 40-50 hours a week in this noisy environment, and it has become so difficult for me that I am now taking a half day to day off each week just to maintain sanity.

I also have constant fatigue, tiredness and bouts of depression. I feel frequently unmotivated and even though I have many goals and things I wish to accomplish, it seems I have a laundry list of things undone that I just can't push myself to do. I barely am able to make it through the work week, and I am embarrassed knowing full well that in my open work environment people are noticing and attributing it to laziness - even if on top of my absences I am still able to meet deadlines and complete my work.

I feel like a bad employee and feel unsatisfied with my life in general. I get depressed thinking about all the things I enjoy - cooking, gardening, writing and etc. and how with all my time at work being bombarded with stimuli all I can hope to do is get through the work week, which seems I can hardly do that in any sufficiency.

I know that my job is not my ideal one, and that I could leave, but it seems like more work just to find a new one, one in which I might just wind up in the same position I am now - constantly exhausted, unfulfilled and unmotivated.

I have a lot of digestive issues and get frequent bouts of nausea, dizziness, headaches, cramps, and fatigue, that seem to be exacerbated by my stress. Some days I panic just thinking about going to my cramped, noisy and crowded workplace and miss work - and then stress and panic anyways thinking about what others will say about me missing work, and how I feel like I'm an unworthy, unmotivated employee with a poor work ethic when it comes to attendance.

I have always had sleep issues since I was very young, and always had stress and digestive issues too. My sisters both have backgrounds of bulimia and my father has obsessive compulsive disorder and my mother has anxiety and depression as well. I feel like I'm a recipe for disaster, even though I have been clean from self mutilation for nearly 5 years.

I really don't know what to do. I know that my lack of creative freedom in my job, and restriction of weekly constant routine of 8-6 (9-10 hours a day) in this environment makes it even more difficult for me to cope. My fiancé says I have gotten better in terms of mood swings, but every month or so seem to have an outburst of intensely agitated manic behavior flipping out and acting like an entirely different person. Taking these days or half days off I believe has helped my mood swings and helped me maintain my sanity however I am far from happy and feel very unaccomplished and unsatisfied with myself.

Being in a corporate environment, mental illness is looked down at, and typically misunderstood. I am scared to try and talk to someone about it because of how embarrassed I am, even though I am already embarrassed at my work ethic as it is. Even right now I am close to tears about the whole situation.

Approaching 30 I feel like I'm at a difficult time in my life. Both of my younger sisters clamored for attention and pushed their way to the forefront in my family's life at an early age, so I am used to fading into the background, and perhaps even prefer it that way. I tend to dislike attention brought to me.

I am happy in my relationship with my fiancé, however I feel like it is the only part of my life that I am relatively happy about. He is supportive although I know it is difficult for him to understand. I feel like I am the least attractive, least successful, least motivated one out of my 2 sisters, and I am supposed to be the oldest. Even though they have issues of their own regarding having eating disorders, I feel like they are better functioning members of society then I am. I have intense difficulty with routine and even more so with fatigue and dealing with the constant bombardment of social stimuli at my job.

I avoid conflict, and social situations and keep most people at arms length, even though I am outwardly nice and friendly to pretty much everyone I meet. I don't hate my appearance necessarily, but I try not to focus on it - I'm not a typical makeup and high heels kinda girl. I'm more of the wallflower that wears black and tries to hide from situations where I am the focus of attention.

I don't know if these behaviors are typical of an artist, let alone anyone, but I'm upset that I have these deeply ingrained behaviors that I can't escape that are affecting my life. Mostly I feel like I just want to hide from the world and taking my impromptu weekly work sabbaticals is the only thing that keeps me from having constant breakdowns. I suppose I am lucky I haven't been fired. But at the same time part of me wonders if perhaps that would really be that bad...the only thing worse than all of that I feel is the disappointment in myself I feel from disappointing others.

I know this is a lot for anyone to take in, but as a woman I would appreciate any sort of advice on this matter. I know it is clear I seek professional help which I will do but I also was hoping to get some feedback in the meantime.

Thanks so much!

Originally Posted by elizabeth1984

Hello,

I am a newcomer to this forum and I wanted to post a little background about myself and the issues I am facing. I am not currently seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist for help with these issues.

I'm 29, and I have been working as a graphic designer at a corporation for around 4 years. In my background I have had issues with self-multilation starting at age 13, worsening at age 16 and progressing into my early to mid 20s. I spent a day in a psychiatric facility at age 16 for these issues, and had begun seeing a psychiatrist / psychologist at regular intervals. At this age I had been prescribed medication and diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and depression, though I no longer take any medication and it has been several years since I have sought medical help.

Being in a generally happy relationship, I have stopped my self mutilation for relatively 4-5 years at this point, however I still experience many of the issues I had when I was younger.

I also had been more recently (within the past 2-3 years) been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian disorder, and possible hormonal issues.

In the past year I have been increasingly missing work. Ever since I was a young teenager I have required a lot of sleep, ranging from minimum 10-12 or more hours a night. In the first 2 years I had a very oppressive boss who demeaned me constantly, leading me to quit my job. The head of the department offered me a job under a different manager, not wanting me to leave the company. I still remain at my job, and am able to complete tasks and projects on time however my anxiety over being at work continues to remain even though I have been 2 years away from my previous oppressive boss.

My current boss doesn't quite understand the issues I am dealing with and does mention that my absenteeism is an issue and suggests I go to HR to discuss my problems. It is difficult to explain even to myself what I am experiencing and even more embarrassing to let people know about it.

I frequently oversleep, come in late and take sick time. I feel exhausted all the time and often will get completely dressed for work and decide not to go. At my work I am constantly bombarded by stimuli, as we have an open workplace - there is only one wall in my work area and all day long I hear talking and discussions and shouting and it agitates me to no end. My only solution has been to crank up the music on my headphones, but some days it is not enough. I typically keep to myself and opt out of social interactions and events even though I usually can articulate well and don't get nervous before meetings.

Some days the prospect of dealing with others is too much. On the days I stay home I either sleep or lie in bed, with no music, tv on or anything whatsoever, just a fan to use as white noise. Since I was a baby I have slept with a white noise maker or fan, and cannot sleep in absolute silence, however I constantly dread loud sounds and areas with abundant amounts of noise. At work I spend a good 40-50 hours a week in this noisy environment, and it has become so difficult for me that I am now taking a half day to day off each week just to maintain sanity.

I also have constant fatigue, tiredness and bouts of depression. I feel frequently unmotivated and even though I have many goals and things I wish to accomplish, it seems I have a laundry list of things undone that I just can't push myself to do. I barely am able to make it through the work week, and I am embarrassed knowing full well that in my open work environment people are noticing and attributing it to laziness - even if on top of my absences I am still able to meet deadlines and complete my work.

I feel like a bad employee and feel unsatisfied with my life in general. I get depressed thinking about all the things I enjoy - cooking, gardening, writing and etc. and how with all my time at work being bombarded with stimuli all I can hope to do is get through the work week, which seems I can hardly do that in any sufficiency.

I know that my job is not my ideal one, and that I could leave, but it seems like more work just to find a new one, one in which I might just wind up in the same position I am now - constantly exhausted, unfulfilled and unmotivated.

I have a lot of digestive issues and get frequent bouts of nausea, dizziness, headaches, cramps, and fatigue, that seem to be exacerbated by my stress. Some days I panic just thinking about going to my cramped, noisy and crowded workplace and miss work - and then stress and panic anyways thinking about what others will say about me missing work, and how I feel like I'm an unworthy, unmotivated employee with a poor work ethic when it comes to attendance.

I have always had sleep issues since I was very young, and always had stress and digestive issues too. My sisters both have backgrounds of bulimia and my father has obsessive compulsive disorder and my mother has anxiety and depression as well. I feel like I'm a recipe for disaster, even though I have been clean from self mutilation for nearly 5 years.

I really don't know what to do. I know that my lack of creative freedom in my job, and restriction of weekly constant routine of 8-6 (9-10 hours a day) in this environment makes it even more difficult for me to cope. My fiancé says I have gotten better in terms of mood swings, but every month or so seem to have an outburst of intensely agitated manic behavior flipping out and acting like an entirely different person. Taking these days or half days off I believe has helped my mood swings and helped me maintain my sanity however I am far from happy and feel very unaccomplished and unsatisfied with myself.

Being in a corporate environment, mental illness is looked down at, and typically misunderstood. I am scared to try and talk to someone about it because of how embarrassed I am, even though I am already embarrassed at my work ethic as it is. Even right now I am close to tears about the whole situation.

Approaching 30 I feel like I'm at a difficult time in my life. Both of my younger sisters clamored for attention and pushed their way to the forefront in my family's life at an early age, so I am used to fading into the background, and perhaps even prefer it that way. I tend to dislike attention brought to me.

I am happy in my relationship with my fiancé, however I feel like it is the only part of my life that I am relatively happy about. He is supportive although I know it is difficult for him to understand. I feel like I am the least attractive, least successful, least motivated one out of my 2 sisters, and I am supposed to be the oldest. Even though they have issues of their own regarding having eating disorders, I feel like they are better functioning members of society then I am. I have intense difficulty with routine and even more so with fatigue and dealing with the constant bombardment of social stimuli at my job.

I avoid conflict, and social situations and keep most people at arms length, even though I am outwardly nice and friendly to pretty much everyone I meet. I don't hate my appearance necessarily, but I try not to focus on it - I'm not a typical makeup and high heels kinda girl. I'm more of the wallflower that wears black and tries to hide from situations where I am the focus of attention.

I don't know if these behaviors are typical of an artist, let alone anyone, but I'm upset that I have these deeply ingrained behaviors that I can't escape that are affecting my life. Mostly I feel like I just want to hide from the world and taking my impromptu weekly work sabbaticals is the only thing that keeps me from having constant breakdowns. I suppose I am lucky I haven't been fired. But at the same time part of me wonders if perhaps that would really be that bad...the only thing worse than all of that I feel is the disappointment in myself I feel from disappointing others.

I know this is a lot for anyone to take in, but as a woman I would appreciate any sort of advice on this matter. I know it is clear I seek professional help which I will do but I also was hoping to get some feedback in the meantime.

Thanks so much!

i've never worked, but i relate so much to feeling less successfull

i'm in my 20's, and i have 1 sister and brother, both of them a lot more successfull and getting a lot more out of their lives than i am. i'm agoraphobic, and it not only gets to me that i have that issue, but my family always have to rub in to me how great they are doing, and how perfict their lives are and that makes me feel even more worthless and less valued.

[anxteach]

My anxiety affects my work as well. Although I actually think mooch of my anxiety comes from the pressures of my job. It's kind of a cycle - job is stressful, I get anxious, I can't focus/perform as well because of the anxiety, job gets more stressful because I feel like I'm doing a crappy job. Sounds familiar? You're not alone. Work is hard, no matter what you do. It sounds like your company values you to want to keep you around!