[lizzyjb]

At least this mornig the pannic attack don't started so soon. Usually starts at 4 or 5 am... Today i have start to shivering at 8 am.
When my husband has gone to work i have starting to cry, shivering, fear... I still have anxiety. I have to do the weekly shopping. but i am not strong enough.
Can't breath. Only thinking in our money problems and in a lot of stupid issues that i can't control.
Absolutely tired of this.

[birdpumpkin]

I'm sorry to hear you went through this this morning. Panic attacks have to be one of the worst feelings in the world. We seem to be going through a similar thing as my anxiety starts when my husband leaves for work, too. I found some info yesterday on adult separation anxiety, and I think that's what some of my trouble is. You may want to look it up. I'm even anxious when my husband sleeps in on the weekends and I wake much earlier than he does. When he gets up I'm fine, but until he does... Or if he takes a nap... It's like when he's asleep it's the same as him not being here. Of course I have other troubles going on too as you do, and those don't help things. I know how hard it is dealing with things we can't control. Since our fire in December I wake every morning shivering before I even get out of bed. I don't know if my mind is already subconsciously thinking of my troubles before I wake or what. I don't really sleep but a few hours or so, though. The rest is just restless tossing and turning. Feel free to PM me if you feel the need.

Is your hubby supportive of your issues? If so - could you call him and talk yourself through this?

Or could you go for a fast-paced walk for 20 minutes (exercise that raises your heart rate has been proven to help anxiety).

Just a couple of thoughts. Best wishes to you.

[lizzyjb]

My husband is supportive but he can't deal whith my anxiety every day. 12 years is a lot of time, he has to be so tired of hearing me all the day talking about imaginary fears.
About having a walk is something i use to do but there is a problem with my knee and it hurt when i walk for a long time. I used to go to the citty trying to find some distraction only walking.
Birdpumpkin, Thanks a lot. I am not anxious when he is not by my side. It is only when he go out and i feel alone At home. I get worst when i am looking for a job that i cant find. Then i feel that nothing have sense, that i am alone, that we have a lot of money troubles and i cant do anything.
My family and friends are faraway fron here and they have never been so supportive with my anxiety. And i don't want to bore my friends who don't live in my area too.
I had some friends here but one of then started to talk bad At my backs and now the other two stop talking me. Since i knew this woman, she has been always talking bad about someone and having troubles with her friends. Now is my turn. Incredible.
I cant understand how can a person be able to hurts a lot of people.
So i am scared of go out and meet with her and then i prefer stay At home reading. But stay At home alone make my self feel worst.
I don't know how to deal with all of this without bore people arround me.
And top of the hill, i dislike to tell anyone about my feelings because i am sure they have their own important issues. I have been always bad in comunications.

Thanks for your support. You are being very helpfull.

[birdpumpkin]

You can feel free to talk to me anytime - no problem. I don't have any friends but some online. I've always been shy and a loner and never was good at making friends. My family aren't supportive of my anxiety - I seem to get reprimanded for feeling the way I do and just told I have to get stronger. I wish you luck in finding a job. I've been wanting to work but my son will be out of school for the summer soon so may as well wait til the fall. I'm sorry to hear about your friend who was talking behind your back. Definitely not a very good friend. I can understand why you wouldn't want to go out and meet with her. I've heard that exercise does help, too. As well as sunlight. Perhaps you could just sit outside in the sun in a relaxing spot. I've been trying to do that. Or maybe you could write your feelings in a journal. I do that as well. Sometimes it does help to get all the worries out, and you can say anything and keep it all to yourself.

[lizzyjb]

As you say in english, its raining cats and dogs... Wey say ”llueve a cantaros” Don't believe Spain is so sunny .
I have try with a diary but when i write it, five minutes later it goes to the chimney. I don't want my hubby to read it. I don't want him to be worry enought for me.
Thanks a lot.
If you need me, i am here too.

[birdpumpkin]

That's okay if it goes up the chimney, though. It helps to just get it out and maybe clarify some emotions and thoughts. I don't want my husband to read mine either!! I keep it hidden - it's just a plain notebook and unsuspecting. Of course if my anxiety is sky high I don't feel like writing - or doing anything else. I seem to shut down when it's really bad, which I know makes things worse. Distractions are supposed to help calm, but it's just impossible when I'm on the verge of panic.

[lizzyjb]

Yeah, I agree with you. When I'm in pannic I can't do anything else. it is hard and I only want to stay in my bed or in the dark lying.
Today I am a little calm because it is Friday, and in the weekend there is no bills, no bad notifications, no husband's work troubles, no money issues, and he is at home. I don't feel so alone. Maybe some friends talk... Weekends are a little bit different. I don't feel bad because I am not doing anything. It's weekend and it is allowed to relax reading, watching movies on tv...
My anxiety level use to be lower on weekends. Can't understand why.

How is your mom? What about the surgery?
And your goat?

[birdpumpkin]

I'm glad you're feeling calmer today. It's good you can get a break on the weekends from your stresses. I'm not so sure the weekends are much calmer for me. As I said, I feel anxious when my husband is sleeping because it feels the same as his being gone, and on the weekends he sleeps in late. I'm up early so am still hours alone as if he were at work. And of course the naps later in the day... I don't have to be right with him - I'm okay if he's outside doing something. It just seems to be when he's sleeping and I'm awake I feel uncomfortable.

My mom got through the surgery okay. I heard from my dad this morning. But there is a risk that her leg will have to be amputated if what the surgeon did doesn't hold up. I suppose there just wasn't much for him to work with. I wish so much I could be there with my dad and sister. The hospital is an hour and a half away, and I don't drive far from home. My son is in school, but I can't go by myself during the day while he's gone because of that. I'm afraid of driving and traffic. I'll hopefully be able to go tomorrow because my husband will be home and can take me.

Unfortunately our goat passed away last evening, so I've been crying off and on today. We had him 11 years, and he had to be all of 13. Really good for a goat. I'll miss our daily visits, though. I suppose we were expecting this to happen since he couldn't get back up Saturday and knew something had to seriously be wrong, but you still always have that pinch of hope that things can change and be okay. Now we have the empty pen staring us in the face whenever we go out.

[lizzyjb]

I have read it in your another post. I am so sorry for the goat. I have had three dogs that passed away and I still cry for them sometimes although I have got another one. She is ten years old and I am always thinking that the worst can be so close.
I am sure you have to feel so sad. I am so sorry. It terrible how empty can a person feel when loose a pet.

I understand fear to drive. I can't drive out of my comfort zone (as my hubby use to say) but your mom it's not alone. You will see her tomorrow.
I hope that everything goes well with your mom's leg. What are telling the doctor? Any hope of saving?

Best wishes.

[birdpumpkin]

Thanks lizzyjb. I've lost several cats, parakeets, and a few other goats, too. It's always hard, and the experience is never the same. Just losing him so close to losing my 10 cats from the fire. It's like I haven't had a break. I'm still mourning my cats and missing them and now have to add him to the roster. It's tough. I have gotten a new kitty since we've been in our new home the last month and am hyper worried with her now. Keep an eye on her constantly. She almost got out yesterday when my husband left for work, and that upset me for awhile.

Yes, I'm scared of driving, too. I only drive within our area here. Anywhere farther that I don't know or that's busier I won't drive. I'm leaving soon to see mom this morning, though. My dad and sister both called and said she was doing a lot better. I'll be glad when she's home. I'm only 4 miles away, so I can visit daily then and help with whatever she needs. I know it will be awhile before she's up and about well. We don't know about saving her leg - all we can do is wait and see how it does. I suppose if it starts paining her bad again like it was, removing it is the only thing left to do. Hopefully it'll be okay. I want to think that it will for now. Of course I would rather she lose her leg than her life, but I know that will be very hard for her in many ways if it happens.

[lizzyjb]

Yeah, it will be very hard if it happens. You have to wait and see. In my mothers case, we had to wait two weeks to take her home and six months to a normal life. Although we had (and we are still doing) to fight with her and the coffee. She can't let coffee. And imagine, 5 so day! She's crazy!

[birdpumpkin]

Thanks. I've had other animals to pass away, too. It's always hard, and every experience is different. The hardest was losing all my cats in this fire, though. I had lost 2 other cats before, and I always had the other remaining ones left with me. That helped a lot. To be left with none... It's so terrible. The new cat is helping me, but I still miss my others so much. My oldest 2 were almost 10 years old and had been with me quite some time. Then others were young - all so healthy and in good shape. Just can't help but cry out, "Why??!!" sometimes. Just don't understand why some things happen. Yes, empty and alone. It's a terrible feeling.

I visited with my mom a couple hours today. Going back in the morning with dad for the day. I may not get to visit again after tomorrow, so hope she'll be home soon. She's pretty drugged up with medicines. Just didn't seem herself and saying some weird things and not knowing home phone number to call dad tonight. He's worried about her. She has a bit of a temperature but was higher yesterday. Hopefully that will come down. Plus her blood sugar is a bit high - she's diabetic; and she's not eating, but I think it's the medicines making her feel nauseated, as the nurse said. She has to get her strength up, though. She can't leave until she can get up and walk around a bit. Hopefully this will work okay and we can avoid amputation. Just a wait and see thing with it. The only other option if the pain returns. Trying not to think of that right now. =/

[lizzyjb]

Wow, it looks very much better then. At the first days, my mom was so medicated so it was impossible to talk with her. Is usual. You will see trough the days how this change and she begins to do normal life.
Don't think about bad side. For the moment every thing is going well so breath and take care of you.
Best wishes and hugs

[lizzyjb]

I am going to see my primary doc on Wednesday. I sure I need help again. I can't deal with all these alone.

[birdpumpkin]

Thanks lizzyjb. There was improvement yesterday and could tell a difference. She still hasn't gone to the bathroom without a catheter and couldn't get out of bed without help. Until she does that and can get up and walk herself with a walker, she has to stay there. Today is Memorial Day, and I have to go to a picnic on my husband's side of the family. I had the worst time deciding whether to go or go with dad to see mom. Just wish I could do both. I decided to go to the picnic and hopefully my husband can drive me to the hospital tomorrow after he gets home. I'm just so out-of-sorts with mom not being at home available to call or visit. Really want her back home. She may have to go to a rehab. Dad wants her to get rehab at home but doesn't know if that's possible. We're hoping. So she could be gone longer. It has my anxiety up. I kind of wish I had chosen to go with dad today, but it's too late now.

I hope things go okay with your visit to the doctor. I don't have any insurance so can't get any help. I'd love some medicine and therapy!! Have been so shaky inside often during the day. Wake up shaking every morning. Hopefully you'll get something to help you through your hard times. Good luck. =)

[lizzyjb]

Great news about your mom! Little time has passed since the surgery so you have to be patient. Things are going a little bit slow but you are going to have her back home soon.
Thanks for your best wishes. I have no insurance too but, although things have changed a lot, in Spain we have a public national health care. It isn't a good moment for it. Not many resources and it is sooo slow but at least I can see a psichiatryc and a therapist once a month and take meds if I need. With my little economic resources it's the best I can do. I had my worst moment with depression lot of time ago and I don't want it back again.
Hope you enjoy the picnic.
Take care.

[birdpumpkin]

I'm sorry my response is so late - I just noticed there was a page 2!! Mom is still at the hospital. We thought she may get out but is staying another day. Don't know if she'll get out today or not. My dad and sister go every day to see her. I feel left out - it really bothers me. And I only get a report at the end of the day. Yesterday I thought they'd be home early if they brought her home. I knew nothing by 6:30 so called dad's home phone and no answer. Called his cell - no answer. He's been leaving his cell phone at the hospital with mom. So called my sister's cell phone and finally got an answer. I wish they would call me during the day and keep me up on things. I still don't know details as to why she ended up staying another day. It sounds like some more improvement in that she got up herself to go to the potty chair by the bed and some therapy in the hall. It's always just a wait and wonder thing for me all day long. I'm having a hard time today because just so much uncertainty. Just want her home so I can visit at any time, but then that's selfish of me. My husband has 2 leaks to work on today, too, so I'm so afraid he's going to be late. Our furnace is acting up so have to leave the air off. Going to have to get someone to fix it. And the chickens he got last week and moved to the empty goat pen last night are loose and running around in the yard and the neighbor's yard (who is very picky). I only see 3 - I don't know where the 4th one is. I called him, and he said they'd be alright, but I don't think the neighbors are going to be pleased. When they saw me and my son walking to the end of the driveway to get my son on the school bus, they followed us, and I'm just like, "Oh my gosh, they're going to go in the road, get hit by a car, get lost..." Thought I was going to faint. I just really want some relief.

I wish we had some health care like that where I could get some help. I'm very willing and want it. We just can't cover it. We live paycheck to paycheck with very little left over, and need that for groceries, gas, etc. Last weekend we spent too much shopping and I was worried about our bills. I understand how you get shaky when you get a bad bill. One time a few years ago they came to turn our electric off. I was home alone and thought everything was fine with the electric bill but evidently wasn't. My parents helped out, so we had electric back within 4 hours, but they just can't do that all the time. They have little money, too. They're always helping my nephews and sister out with so many things. We don't even have a savings account. It's tough and always a worry.

[lizzyjb]

My savings account blow time ago. I have been unemployed for a long time. Suddenly my husband was fired too so he had to stablished on his own as a freelance that supposed a lot of bills to pay. And at least we have that. But I can't see a good future. He is having too little work that means less and less money every time.
I can't ask for help to my parents because they have a little money too and they are taking care of my sister and my five years old nephew. My sister is unemployed and divorced.
My parents in law are taking care of my mom in law parents, 90 years old with no money.
I can't ask for help so I am absolutely worry when bills came or when my hubby 's phone rings. Always thinking that is a bad news. Every time I see the postman or the phone rings pannic attack starts.
So I understand how you feel.
I am always tired but can't sleep because I am always thinking there is no future.
Looking for a new job but I'm always rejected. I was studying law and I have to left.
Fortunately I speak English, that here is something always requested here. I started to learn at 8 years old. but not enough to find a new job.

Not news god news so don't be anxious if your sister and dad doesn't call you. Don't be afraid. Things are going to be better. Your mom goes slowly but it is normal. You will see that she came home soon.

[lizzyjb]

Ah, I'll see primary doc in an hour.

[birdpumpkin]

Glad you're getting to go to the doctor and get help - wish I could!! I'm feeling so strange. I really think my brain has had enough - feel I'm about to go crazy or something. I'm going to order a ptsd book - hopefully today - once I put a new Amazon card on my account. All I can do is try to help myself. Mom is getting better a little each day. She came home a couple days ago. I was so angry - no one told me. I found out on facebook - my sister had posted from the hospital mom was coming home 2 hours before I saw the post. My aunt and several cousins had already seen/"like"d the post before I even had a clue. I went to visit yesterday but people there and she was feeling tired and nauseated and leg hurting. Dad called me last night and we talked a little - that was nice. He said I didn't have to visit today and there really wasn't anything I could do to help. I suppose since my sister is so close. It hurt a bit, but I think maybe he's just not wanting me to feel obligated. I'm still going to visit later. If they don't want any help from me, okay. But I do still want to see my mom and see how she's doing. Oh - I always dread when bills come, and my husband always leaves off paying them almost to the last day due. Scares me. If I were doing them, I'd try to pay them right away and get them out of the way. My fear whenever the phone rings, especially when it's his work cell phone, is that he is being called out to a leak. Every time it rings I immediately think, "Oh no..." and start getting afraid. I would like to find a job, but it's almost summer vacation, and I have no one to watch my son for me. Unless I worked at night, but I want to be here for my husband and son then... May have to wait until school starts back.

[lizzyjb]

Great, your mom are at home! It's so nice. Don't worry if you was told late. The important thing is that she is near you. This is great!
Now you can see her when you want I would like to see my mom every day but I only can phone her.
I feel the same, I always find something to be worried about. Here we pay bills at the end of the month. At home came the bills but they are payed by the bank account directly. I always feel worst when I see how much is in our bank account and fly.
About a job my sister is going to do the same with my nephew. She I unemployed now waiting for a recruitment answers. She says that if she is not called she has to wait till the school starts in September. Because she has to take care of her.
But this is going a hard summer for you alone at home.
Just a point of view. When I was twenty my parents house fired too. Firemen appears so fast so only the kitchen the dining room and the salon were really injured. The rest of the house was plenty of dust but ok. We lost a lot of things but not all of them.
I think that you're scared is maybe because you now don't feel secure. You need to start feeling safe again .
Do you have a Kindle? If you have one I can borrow you some ebooks that I have about anxiety, relaxing methods and mindfullnes that can help you. They have helped me a little. They are in English.
Just say me if you want them and I'll give you.
Some people call me crazy because I love ereaders but I tell you something: love reading above all the things and here the library is so small. I have read most of the books so my husband give me a reader years ago and I'm so happy with it. Because thanks to Amazon I can read all the books of the world. That's the reason why I read and speak in English. There's a lot of books I love to read that aren't translated into Spanish so I have to learn.

For the moment, concentrate in your mom and your son. They are there with you so spend time with them. Although they have your sister for help, doesn't matter. Is just for seeing them and feel better and not alone.

Take care a tell me about the books.