[Onward2wards]

I am getting better at identifying specific and humiliating fears that drive way too much of what I do.

Here's a strong one - a deep fear of being shamed or punished by authority figures, or being ostracized and ridiculed by my peers, for having and acting upon a deeply held conviction at variance with their own. What are the outcomes of this? I find it very difficult to express the courage of my own convictions. This has made me literally hate myself at times.

This fear interacts with other fears of being too incompetent or "unlucky" (?) to accomplish goals which I both greatly enjoy the most, and which have very strong personal meaning for me. I seem to have given up on a lot of them, and life isn't very nice to live without those things present.

A third one is fear of not being accepted by people or social niches I really value. I often have feelings and thoughts of not fitting in or of being a "fifth wheel".

Put all those two fears together, and they explain a lot of my "triggers" and frustrations in life. It's a pretty debilitating "one two three punch".

I don't know what to do about this. It has taken me a long time to specify exactly what's going on and how they interact. I know that things like being bullied at school, being shy and situationally painful encounters with very condescending people over the years must have a lot to do with it. This just kills me, it really does. I NEED to get over this BS.

[bluekoi]

Onward2wards, Have you thought about visiting a therapist to help you work through these issues?

[Onward2wards]

bluekoi, yes I have been in therapy for these issues. There is still some residual stuff to work through, I'm sure.

[bluekoi]

Onward2wards, I glad you are seeing someone professional to help you sort this "stuff" out. To bad life doesn't come with a manual! If it did, would you lend it to me?