[Rayne Selene]

I've always had some issues with body image, I mean, what young woman in America doesn't? But it's gotten really bad this year. I started obsessively keeping a notebook of everything I ate in a day, not only calories but also breaking down each food into carbs, sugars, protein, etc, and keeping track of it all. I would work out pretty obsessively too, but honestly never saw much of a change. Then things got busy, and I wasn't able to do that anymore.I've been having a lot of money problems lately; literal like $10 in my pocket a week for groceries; so I've been eating a lot of things like ramen and spaghetti'os. I feel disgusted with my body and with myself. The feeling has been there for a while, but it's growing to a point that it's almost unbearable. I can't lift very much weight, I tire easily, and the more stressed I get about eating healthy and working out, the harder it is for me to do it. I'm embarrassed to go to the gym, and I can't even muster the confidence to go out for a walk. I'm not sure how to explain it other than that, only that I have this CRUSHING feeling that nothing I do will make any difference, because I'm simply unhealthy and disgusting. I can't stop analyzing every single bite I eat and hating myself for each little morsel of food. I have really bad sugar cravings, and I can't stop shaming myself for those instances when I give in and have an ice cream. When it gets really bad, I just get really depressed and overeat.
I'm not sure if I'm properly explaining how crushing this feeling is or how bad my anxiety about food and weight has gotten. Does anyone have any suggestions? I just want to be able to have some pizza with my friends without hating myself, and actually enjoy going to the gym again.

[glok]

Hello, Rayne Selene. Is professional help an option?

[bleutamales]

Hi Rayne Selene. I'm sorry you're going through this. Body Dysmorphic Disorder is hell. It takes over your life, your head, your everything. Like glok said, can you talk to a therapist? Are you on any medication right now? Or is that out of the question because of finances?

There are some very good books that I have used as tools when I couldn't afford therapists or medication. One is "French Toast For Breakfast" You can get it used on Amazon for really cheap.
French Toast for Breakfast: Declaring Peace with Emotional Eating: Mary Anne Cohen: 9780936077222: Amazon.com: Books

And "Food: The Good Girl's Drug" also used on Amazon

Food: The Good Girl's Drug: How to Stop Using Food to Control Your Feelings: Sunny Sea Gold: 9780425239032: Amazon.com: Books

What you're feeling is a lack of control of your life and you're using food to get some control back but it's backfiring. I spent most of my 20's feeling like you do. It sucks. It hurts. But I believe you can knock this BDD on it's *** and get your life back. I did! PM me if you need to talk about it okay hon? I know exactly what you're going through.

[Rayne Selene]

glok: Professional help is an option, I'm just very very very new to therapy (I just had my first appointment last week) so I'm not really sure what to say. I've had preliminary therapy appointments in the past, and I've always had a hard time conveying my problems, and therapists have always been very dismissive of me.

bleu tamales: Thank you for your advice. I could definitely see where this might be a control issue. I'm a very controlling person, I need to be in charge of a given situation, and lately my life is very much out of my hands. It's ironic that this, being a possible response to lack of control, is something that I can't control, isn't it? It's like there's me, and then there's this backseat driver, who's very mean and puts thoughts and compulsions in my head that aren't mine. I really just want to stop obsessing over my food. I just ate a ham sandwich, and cried for half an hour...I mean, it's a ham sandwich!!!!! I never knew food could become something so crippling.

[spondiferous]

There's another book that's called "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies". It's life-changing. I just read it about two years ago and it has forever changed the way I look at my body. My relationship with my body is not perfect, by any standards. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, which is heavy enough to have mobility issues. But I wear tank tops on hot days because I'm tired of suffering. And I know that body image isn't just a personal issue, it's a cultural one. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with it.

[ashland]

it could be iam always worrying that my dumb pdoc ill get her father which he sucks I would quit before I get him. give give my doors would suck as I hate change and I have had 5 pdoc that retired on me. I got a young pretty one now. keep in it as I get 180 klonopin for 5 weeks. 1 mg.