[LostInParadise92]

Hello,
I'm looking for advice from others who suffer from social anxiety/agoraphobia/etc. who manage to live in large cities. I've been living in a large city for the past two years and I absolutely hate it. I never feel safe, I always feel like there's people around me even when I try to hide by myself. (I live in an apartment) Last night I heard a woman get mugged outside on the street and it made me extra fearful.
Whenever my boyfriend wants to go out and do something I feel limited because I can't deal with large crowded areas. We've gone to several places that were super crowded and I had to beg him for us to leave because I felt so uncomfortable. Afterwards I feel terrible because I feel like I'm sabotaging our fun and our relationship. There are so many things for us to do but because of my agoraphobia I feel that I can't experience them. It makes me feel depressed. Is it possible for someone with agoraphobia or social anxiety to live in a large city and be ok? Frankly, I can't deal with this anymore and am moving somewhere with less people and more open space.

[ECHOES]

I have experience with this. The psychoanalytic therapy that I've been in to help with these kinds of things has helped me to discover that this is an internal issue about feeling overwhelmed, about a fear of being engulfed by others that I might 'let in' even a little. I've learned in therapy how to be myself more which makes others feel less threatening because a strong core is a defense against the feeling that others can overwhelm me, hurt me, make me do things I don't want to do.

I still like my quiet time and activities and I can make room for both.

The more you can keep practicing getting put there, the more familiar that will become to you. Then you'll have that feeling of familiarity that you are wanting. Good for you for practicing.

Talk to your boyfriend to work out a way for you to be able to leave events earlier when you feel too overwhelmed to stay. If you are with a group you can claim to have another commitment (that commitment being to take care of yourself, to soothe your own fears, to feel better). When it is just the two of you, try going the places you can during less crowded and busy times until doing that becomes familiar. In my experience, feeling familiar with a place takes away a level of fear (anxiety) so that other things, like more people, doesn't crank up the anxiety (fear) to such an uncomfortable level. It feels better.

Get a good psychoanalytic psychotherapist to help you with this. You will learn a lot about yourself and you'll be supported along the way. You can do this!

[winter4me]

Good advice from Echoes. Do you take any meds? (can help)
I had this problem---still do sometimes---but I have found it doesn't really matter where I am living...although, when I am 'triggered' and the switch is ON, crowds are very difficult...especially inside a place (movie theatre, store, restaurant...)-------or waiting to go in. It used to be a constant, but over the years, it has changed to just happen at times that (for whatever reason, I don't always know) that switch goes ON, and I am fearful, overwhelmed, and really need to get out of places that don't 'normally' bother me at all. That is how you learn it Is internal---when you have times that it does not happen. The more (I found) you avoid the places, the stronger the fear---I actually didn't use any meds till I was in my mid 30's, and the problems began in my late teens...there were even places I worked that had me in that awful place all day (I blamed it on the florescent lights...and some days I left work early...) ...sorry for the ramble,
I am remembering...
I now find cities nice because I feel anonymous, unnoticed (though sometimes the thought of going into a city will cause me to fear the fear, once there I am OK...)

[avlady]

I am also agorophibic, i grew up in a big city and for the last 17 years have been living in a small town. I wish i had transportation near me, we do have a car and i don't drive because of medications im on, but i have to say i wish i had more friends around here and have more visitors too. I love the nature but worry because my son doesn't have a car and is in transition from one job and has no transportation to get to a job. I don't like the city with the motorcycles and other traffic issues. I actually was hit by a van crossing a busy street and have been even more anxious throughout the years. I hate going shopping so my husband lets me sit in the car while he shops for food etc.

[LostInParadise92]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I have experience with this. The psychoanalytic therapy that I've been in to help with these kinds of things has helped me to discover that this is an internal issue about feeling overwhelmed, about a fear of being engulfed by others that I might 'let in' even a little. I've learned in therapy how to be myself more which makes others feel less threatening because a strong core is a defense against the feeling that others can overwhelm me, hurt me, make me do things I don't want to do.

I still like my quiet time and activities and I can make room for both.

The more you can keep practicing getting put there, the more familiar that will become to you. Then you'll have that feeling of familiarity that you are wanting. Good for you for practicing.

Talk to your boyfriend to work out a way for you to be able to leave events earlier when you feel too overwhelmed to stay. If you are with a group you can claim to have another commitment (that commitment being to take care of yourself, to soothe your own fears, to feel better). When it is just the two of you, try going the places you can during less crowded and busy times until doing that becomes familiar. In my experience, feeling familiar with a place takes away a level of fear (anxiety) so that other things, like more people, doesn't crank up the anxiety (fear) to such an uncomfortable level. It feels better.

Get a good psychoanalytic psychotherapist to help you with this. You will learn a lot about yourself and you'll be supported along the way. You can do this!

Thanks for the advice, I can't really afford to see a therapist at the moment so I'm just doing what I can to keep my anxiety down. When I am with a group of people it does make me feel better because I feel that they are my armor from the surrounding crowds. It's just when I'm alone or with my BF that I feel 'pushed in' and unsafe. I'd really like to consult a psychotherapist at some point once more financially stable. I have symptoms of Asperger's so maybe that magnifies my fears? Thank you for your response!

[LostInParadise92]

Originally Posted by avlady

I am also agorophibic, i grew up in a big city and for the last 17 years have been living in a small town. I wish i had transportation near me, we do have a car and i don't drive because of medications im on, but i have to say i wish i had more friends around here and have more visitors too. I love the nature but worry because my son doesn't have a car and is in transition from one job and has no transportation to get to a job. I don't like the city with the motorcycles and other traffic issues. I actually was hit by a van crossing a busy street and have been even more anxious throughout the years. I hate going shopping so my husband lets me sit in the car while he shops for food etc.

Hi avlady,
Do you have any neighbors who might be able to give you a lift for the time being? I wish I had more friends as well. It can feel so isolating not really having any one to hang out with. The noise is definitely an issue where I live. People, helicopters, sirens, leaf blowers, it never ends... it doesn't help that I am hyper sensitive to light, sound and smell either. Traffic is a huge issue here as well. I hope you find peace and happiness where you are. I find that walks in the woods/ desolate areas helps me.