[Kirga]

I've had a few mild physical anxiety symptoms over the years--chronic stomach upset, trouble sleeping, that like--and some obsessive thoughts, but for the most part, I wouldn't have said I was severely anxious. Instead, it's as though I have a projected front, almost like a second persona, that "handles" social situations. I still maintain some sense of reality and presence, but everything becomes softer and less important around the edges. It feels further away. Because of that splitting, I've had some emotional expression and physical affect problems over the years, and my unaided recall is pretty poor.

Recently, I had a bad experience at work, which resulted in my being fired. I went to a doctor, because what happened scared the life out of me. I was told it had been a brief, transient psychosis, and I got a referral to a psychiatrist. When I talked to the psych, they told me what I was describing sounded like severe anxiety/panic, but instead of having actual panic attacks, I was dissociating or depersonalizing.

I'd never heard of this, and haven't been able to find much out online. Has anyone else ever heard this from a doc? The impression I've been getting from my reading is that this is usually the opposite for people: depersonalization or dissociation triggers panic. It's weird.

[kaliope]

hi kirga
hmm...looking back...I don't recall having them together. I used to depersonalize a lot and I can see now that I did this in moments of panic to get through that bad situation, but I didn't have panic attacks during those times. I had panic attacks too, so it didn't happen every time. I am sorry that you are struggling with this. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[BlessedRhiannon]

I rarely have full blown panic attacks in the way that most people think of them. My panic is nearly always manifested by dissociation. I simply mentally leave. I'm present enough to interact with others, but it's all muted and I'm kinda functioning on auto-pilot.

If I have a full blown panic attack, then I don't dissociate at all.

However, if I'm panicking and dissociate, then my panic does escalate, which means I dissociate more, and my panic escalates more, and...well, you get the idea. I tend to get caught in a loop.

[Laxgirl94]

Hey Kirga,

You are not alone in this. I have severe anxiety which I take meds for and when something big (or even small sometimes) happens, I just mentally float away from it unless its an emergency and I have to deal with it hands on right there. But recently I ended a 3 year relationship with my girlfriend and whenever she sends me a text its like my brain just shuts down and I just never respond. This happens with other situations in life as well. You could be becoming a little dissociative, which is when you kind of shut down or float away as a defense mechanism. I would say this is fairly common with people suffering serious anxiety when there are a lot of other things going on as well. Disassociating may keep you from freaking out in the moment, but you can't ignore your problems forever. So what I do when a nonemergency issue happens, I ignore it and then wait until I'm home and comfortable and then deal with the issue then. I know this is hard to do while at work, but even taking 10 minutes to kind of zone out and then come back to the issue at hand can help you make better decisions. Hope this advice helps you
I would also suggest you don't spend too much time analyzing your condition, it may cause you to get a little obsessive and that can exacerbate your condition. Just take life as it comes to you and try to handle it the best you can and try to stay in the moment.

[Kirga]

Originally Posted by kaliope

hi kirga
hmm...looking back...I don't recall having them together. I used to depersonalize a lot and I can see now that I did this in moments of panic to get through that bad situation, but I didn't have panic attacks during those times. I had panic attacks too, so it didn't happen every time. I am sorry that you are struggling with this. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Thank you for the welcome. Having done my own research on this, to me it sounds like depersonalization is my problem. What seems odd to me is that, though my doctor seems convinced I have severe anxiety and social phobia, I have never had a panic attack. I've disconnected from my emotional reactions so efficiently for so many years that I seldom feel anything at all now...in the "front," conscious, part of my mind, that is. I do have physical problems that have been associated with anxiety (bruxism and chronic stomach upset are the two biggest), so I can only conclude that a diagnosis of anxiety makes sense, but with so little emotional connection to myself, it seems hard to credit.

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

I rarely have full blown panic attacks in the way that most people think of them. My panic is nearly always manifested by dissociation. I simply mentally leave. I'm present enough to interact with others, but it's all muted and I'm kinda functioning on auto-pilot.

This is the same state I tried to describe above, thank you. I'm in this auto-pilot state nearly all the time, more or less. I have occasional moments of feeling emotionally overwhelmed, though they are brief (never more than ten minutes at most, and that would be an extreme example). It is akin to claustrophobia, for me: a feeling of being beset on all sides by emotions I can't control. I can't always even name them reliably. After that, I tend to feel emotionally "hungover" for 24-48 hours afterward, and I might have other moments of emotional connection or reaction, but those aren't more than blips; seconds, maybe minutes. It's a little like having a thunderstorm, only it takes longer for the lightning and thunder to disappear completely.

Originally Posted by Laxgirl94

Disassociating may keep you from freaking out in the moment, but you can't ignore your problems forever. So what I do when a nonemergency issue happens, I ignore it and then wait until I'm home and comfortable and then deal with the issue then. I know this is hard to do while at work, but even taking 10 minutes to kind of zone out and then come back to the issue at hand can help you make better decisions.

In spite of being depersonalized to some degree more or less constantly, my capacity for decision making used to be good. Within the last few years, I made it through some stressful situations, including a succession of three family deaths in less than two years, and juggling full time work that made me feel suicidal much of the time. Of course, as I should have foreseen, forcing myself to push on in spite of the way I felt did, eventually, cause a serious escalation in symptoms. In my own case, I'm confident it was stress that mostly caused the psychotic break I had.

Since that time, I struggle to make decisions, or concentrate. My working memory is poor. My emotional capacity is null. I have a good false affect most of the time, but sometimes that fails me.

At this point, I don't have a job. My doctor is encouraging me to file for SSDI instead of trying to work again. I know that there's something going on, and I'd like to have some idea what, if for no other reason than that I'd like to know how to start changing my behavior to cope, if possible. I just don't know how to accept the seriousness of what's happening, or how to even get my head around it completely. I'm stubborn, I admit, but beyond that, I just don't understand how this could be. My insight is probably rotted by now, of course.

This is all very confusing for me, and I'm finding myself having trouble processing it at any level. Thanks, all, for the validation and advice.

[avlady]

Kirga, I have General Anxiety Disorder and know how you feel. I can handle it somedays but lately i've been sufferring terribly with it as my son overdosed on his meds and was drinking too. This creates great anxiety for me, You should try to get social security, it would help you as you wouldn't have deadlines from work and you could stay where you feel safe like home. You could maybe get a part time job too. I hope and pray for you that your situation can get better, that is what i do for myself.

[Kirga]

Thank you for the encouragement, and for relating. I appreciate that.

[NoddaProbBob]

You are not alone in this.

Depending on the situation I tend to do this myself. I start to feel that emotional withdraw and I dissociate. I even do this in therapy sometimes. In any of those situations I have to make a conscious effort to notice the withdraw/dissociation, identify what is causing me to do it, and bring myself back into the present. It takes practice but it's possible.

It's your brain trying to protect you from a potentially dangerous situation. It's the nervous system "fight or flight". Sometimes people think the "flight" part of that is a physical fleeing or removal of yourself from a dangerous situation. But if you can't leave ("flight") or you cannot "fight" then your brain finds other ways to protect you, like dissociating or withdrawing. Anxiety is extremely debilitating so the brain does what it can to protect you.

This is also how sexual abuse survivors survive the abuse and often don't remember it. People who self-harm often don't feel the pain of a cut because for that one split second there, your brain is trying to help you out. I know that I have felt extremely dissociated when I have cut in the past so I can speak to dissociation issues well.

I hope that these examples have helped you a bit. And I hope that you find some relief. Whether it be with meds or other support, I hope you can squash some of what you've been experiencing

Hi Kirga, I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you're describing. I have severe anxiety and also am dissociative. It usually feels like I'm 2 people, especially when I'm with people.

Originally Posted by Kirga

I've had a few mild physical anxiety symptoms over the years--chronic stomach upset, trouble sleeping, that like--and some obsessive thoughts, but for the most part, I wouldn't have said I was severely anxious. Instead, it's as though I have a projected front, almost like a second persona, that "handles" social situations. I still maintain some sense of reality and presence, but everything becomes softer and less important around the edges. .

Hey Kirga, in response to that section of your story, I can also relate to having another front/persona which allows you to deal with daily things. At times I have also found this quite frightening and thought I had BPD symptoms, however at the moment it still stands as an anxiety related issue, so perhaps it is normal to feel like this with anxiety issues? All anxiety symptoms you stated were the same as mine too.

[Fuzzybear]