[Dameon]

I didn't know really where to put this, but put it here because I suffer from a lot of anxiety and I also have OCD (I have had it for about 9 or 10 years and it is severe).

I need help with deep complicated problems very quickly. I want other peoples insight and advice about this. I don't want any crap biased answers, I want somebody who really understands psychology and who can step back and analyse my situation to give a psychologically insightful answer, so it can HELP ME. I desperately need help so badly, I am dying inside. That is how it feels.

Not everybody in life suffers, but I am one of the few people who has suffered a lot mentally. My family members are only capable of feeling a fraction of the deep misery that I feel.

Of course I am also depressed. I seem to have chronic Depression, but I think it is more Adjustment Disorder than just simple simple Depression.

My problems are extremely complicated. Im scared I also have symptoms of possible Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependent personality Disorder. Im not really scared, I just want to know whether I do or not. I know about these disorders and recognise some of their symptoms in myself, I diagnosed myself with OCD after all so its not exactly as if I don't have insight and 'don't know what im talking about'.

My life is an endless misery. Sometimes I feel like im not made for this world. Let me explain that, don't get confused, I don't hate myself, what I mean is that I am such a hyper-ultra sensitive individual that it is impossible for me to deal with any sort of slight, criticism (that is an example), or mental pain. Because of this, I can never fully let my guard down if you know what I mean. I constantly have a barrier up, constantly, because it is impossible for me to let it down, because it is a sub-conscious defence mechanism, accumulated from the motivation to protect myself mentally from psychological harm.

**** it. I have a bad relationship at the moment with my partner. They seem also to have weird problems, even if I am in a bad mood and angry, they say they want to leave me and 'it is finished', but then a few days later or the next day, they say they really want to see me again.

But my problem is this: I am too dependent. This is why I think I have symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder. I am desperate to have a diagnosis or insight into certain personality or 'character' traits that I have in common with any disorders so I can start to treat myself. That is the first 'stepping stone' to me helping myself, do you see that?

When I am with my partner, with a 'good episode', ie they are happy with me, I feel extremely happy and don't want anything else other than to be with them and be in their company because I enjoy it so much. But when I upset my partner (they have a lot in common with me, and they seem hyper sensitive, especially to my moods), they go off on their own, say extremely hurtful stuff like 'it is finished', 'I dont want to be with you anymore', and this is when my happiness is wrenched from me like a plant. I am utterly dependent on them for happiness. I start feeling suicidal, I cry, I hate my life, I don't hate myself but I hate the suffering and the misery, and then when I am back together with that person again the same pattern recycles itself again, and again. However, even when I am with that person, there is something bubbling under the surface in me. I feel fear and constant paranoia about that person. I scrutinise the slightest things they do and analyse them to see whether there are any possible signs they are rejecting me, or are going to go off with somebody else. Of course, I am aware all of this is constant paranoia and fear (but I don't know where it comes from, that is one of the things that I want advice and help about) is all in my mind, and my partner confirms and proves this to me again and again. They prove that it is all in my head and it is just pointless fear gone out of control. But I cant help it. I cant control it. It is uncontrollable.

I get terrified and frightened about them leaving me. I interrogate them constantly, and this drives them crazy (their own words). I interrogate them subtly about their intentions and why they did what etc, to see any possible signs that they might leave me or reject me. Because that is one of my darkest and deepest fears. I am absolutely terrified of abandonment. I have the same problem with my parents. I would interrogate them as well, I didn't want them to stop loving me. All this fear and paranoia has accumulated from a dysfunctional relationship I have between me and my family, mostly my parents but also my ***** siblings, who never treated me nicely. My mother loves me with conditional love, but my father is the opposite. This is what I believe has twisted and bent my mind so badly that now I have ingrained fear of abandonment and endless paranoia and brooding fear of people rejecting me, people who say they love me.

I know a large part of what I fear is a load of ********, and is unrealistic, and does not reflect reality or what is truly happening. But I cant let people hurt me again.

When people hurt me, I am so hyper-ultra-sensitive that I feel truly suicidal. This isn't attention seeking, it is a genuine feeling. I want to stop the misery when I feel somebody has stopped loving me. If nobody loves me I think there is no point in living. It feeds me. The reason why my heart is beating is because I am utterly dependent on somebody loving me truly.

I cant stop this endless paranoia and fear. It is driving me crazy. Im scared its going in a cycle and spiralling out of control. Im scared all this will make it worse with my partner. The more they react to my fear and paranoia, the more they feed it, and the cycle gets worse. Im scared I will inadvertently force them to leave me. That is my deepest fear. Ultimately, just like anybody else, all I want is somebody to love me. Truly love me.

I really need help. I desperately need help, there is something seriously wrong with my messed up life. If my life looked physically like some sort of metal structure, it would look twisted and bent at painful angles.

I seriously need help. Please can somebody help me, I am desperate and I hate living sometimes.

[StressedMess]

Are you able to discuss any of your thoughts or self-diagnosed issues with a qualified mental health professional? We can empathize and analyze but we can't diagnose or treat you here. I wish you peace and luck!

[Dameon]

Well thanks for at least replying, I knew my thread wouldn't get much answers.

I'm not exactly asking for official professional advice on here, I am asking for people to try and take a step back and analyse my situation and try to give me an unbiased insight into what they think is wrong and to try and help me by giving advice etc.

People come on here mostly because they want help and want to talk about their problems which they find hard in real life. So that is why I asked that. People are more likely to know what im going through number 1, number two have experience with mental health proffessionals and therefore a better person to ask for help rather than just anybody.

Thanks for the answer anyway.

[StressedMess]

I do recognize a lot of dependent characteristics in my personality. As a victim of domestic violence with multiple partners I know how to hang on well past the time when all the good is gone. I always felt secure in the fact that I had a man. No matter that the man might gamble both our money away, or be abusive, or a serial cheater, or couldn't keep a job. . . Well, you get the gist of it. He might not be perfect but he's mine!

I learned that when the husband does something shameful the wife should forgive him and pretend nothing happened. In fact in therapy recently I discovered that there was never any love in my home growing up. Just a twisted sense of responsibility that kept us all dependent on each other, and made us all miserable.

Sorry I didn't mean to say so much. Just wanted you to know that people do care, even if we don't know what to say.

Hugs if needed!

[skippidoo]

The first person you need to love is yourself, maybe there is some self help books or even try writing out 10 positive things about yourself and start repeating them to yourself daily. I think everyone seeks the love from others to feel like we are a person, but once you can give yourself self reflection and love you can take in all the love from others but not depend on it to fully be a person. I know it is easier said then done but like learning anything this is something that takes time and more importantly practice. Maybe after you can learn to love yourself you might find this partner is not the right person for you , sometimes a up/doen relationship can be damaging to your self esteem. I don't know much about ocd, I suffer from social aniety and depression. I used to be really bad and found it hard to go to work/school/anything. I constantly thought people would judge me and became tense and anxious to the extreme, one of the things I have come to learn over time is that I have to accept this (anxiety/depression) part of me. Its scary, but sometimes you have to look a huge fear in the face and just challenge it. Write a letter to your ocd and tell it that you know it is there and you are going to make it thru no matter what it wants to throw at you. I hope this helps somehow, you are gonna get thru

[thickntired]

They have 12 step groups (like Alcoholic's Anonymous) but for Co - dependant's Anonymous. I have been extremely sensitive my entire life. I can remember when people hurt my feelings 20 years ago literally. My Mom always told me don't be so sensitive which just made it all worse.