[Hannahmo]

You probably read this a lot, but i'm hitting the end of my rope. I just started college and i havent made a lot of friends. and i hate myself for it. I need some support.

[sandpiper888]

Hi there,

Even though I don't necessarily know a lot about your situation, I feel like I can somewhat relate, in terms of what my first days in college were like. (Full disclosure, I've been at this college game on-and-off for quite some time). Going straight from high school into a college environment is usually a bit of a culture shock, even though the "culture" of any college can be quite different from another. Partly because everyone who is new (certainly not just yourself) is coming to a place where most if not all of their classmates are unfamiliar to them and where the social dynamics associated with their high school experience are either significantly diminished or completely nonexistent. So even though you may see others seemingly getting along with new people quite easily, chances are that there's some level of apprehension and anxiety with all of them as well.

I remember being quite standoffish during my first year in college, and the effects of that were extended because, with the major I was in at the time, I had probably about 2/3-3/4 of the same people across all of my classes. It was pretty much all on me, and I came to regret it about halfway through the year (the damage was already done, though, as far as most of them were concerned). If you have mostly different people throughout your classes, that probably wouldn't be such an issue.

One thing to keep in mind, in terms of the high school-college transition, is that everyone is much freer to determine their own schedule (in terms of when they take classes, work time, study time, leisure time, etc.) and the further away one gets from the high school years, the less emphasis one places on the social "game" that is so often associated with high school. With people getting closer and closer to whatever career(s) they are pursuing, they'll inevitably start to think of school & classes less as a social opportunity and more as a means to an end. That isn't to say that you can't develop lasting friendships through college, but it's just something to keep in mind. Just thinking back to this year, I can think of quite a lot of people I talked to everyday in and between classes, people I felt like I had a very good relationship with. Because we had the classes as a shared experience, things to joke and vent about, to catch up with something if one of us missed a class...And then I haven't had any contact with them all summer, not because anything negative happened between us, but just because the connection we had through those classes is gone, and we all have a lot going on otherwise with family and work and all that. It happens a lot, and I miss them, but...I guess over time, I just got used to it.

I guess the question is, when you think of having friends in college, what kind of relationships are you after? And why does not having this bring these feelings of self-hatred?