[désespéré]

I have this strong fear of being in places, events, or situations where I could be seen and recognized by anyone who knew me from the past.

I used to be so arrogant and superficial, now I just want a simple and meaningful life. My life, values and my appearance has undergone a drastic change. I have never felt so aware of myself and so in line with what my heart really desires like I do now. But still, I cringe about anything I have ever done or ever was in the past because I was full of facades and didn't know who I really was back then. I guess I have never come to terms with it. All the perceived humiliation and embarrassment of my past decisions, actions, and words, I just want to cut ties from them or anything or anyone that bears their memory.

I feel very terrified with the possibility of being seen by people from the past by how much I've been humbled down. I don't even look half as presentable or on top of my game as I managed to seem back then. Now I just look like I've let myself go compared to that but the reality is I'm just being plainly me and trying to be contented with what I have. I no longer pay enough attention to my appearance because it's no longer my priority in life and I want to be done with looking good to feel good around people. Why do I fear judgment comparing who I am to who I was? Judgments that I have not been able to keep up to who I was?

Also, I've realized just now that I've done a lot of mean and cringe-worthy things to a lot of people before. I'm afraid these people I have wronged would see me now and might presume and even feel a little amused that the years haven't been so kind to me. I fear that those who knew of my past humiliations (such as being taken for a fool by men, being replaced with other women) might also feel sorry at how "I've let myself go".
The fact that I assume this is their thought process also disturbs me as I know not everyone should be that spiteful or even care enough to remember me. Maybe this is just psychological projection on my part? But it feels so real to me and I can't shake it off NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANT TO.

Seeing them reminds me of the past version of myself that I loathe and still couldn't forgive. Anyone I have met from those times or even any place significant during those times are stark and painful reminders. I AVOID THESE AT ALL COSTS. I don't know if this makes sense. I don't even know if any of these are truly the sources of my fear, maybe I'm just rationalizing? Maybe I just got fat and old and afraid to see anyone who could say I've let myself go, and therefore still am arrogant and superficial after all? I desperately hope that's not the case.

I UNDERSTAND MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE IRRATIONAL and yes, I know I'm not important to these people and their worlds don't revolve around me. Like who am I for them to really target or even think about? I know I'm nobody and that my worries are imagined but why can't I fight off the feeling that for a fraction of a second that they see me, they'd remember and judge? Why can't I convince myself that it's just all in my head? I hate that what they might think when they see me affects me. I HATE HOW I'M TORMENTED BY THIS.

All I know is that the shame or guilt or fear I feel haunts me and is too powerful. It has become a dominant factor in my life: I work from home because if I work in an office, I might be working with someone I knew from the past. I've walked out on my friends in a reunion where I felt someone from the past might be there and recognize me. Even commuting or walking down the street makes me vigilant of people from the past. I'm afraid they could be inside those tinted cars looking at me as I cross the street. I have even made new social media profiles that don't have anything recognizable about me so I can't be searched by people who once knew me.
It's like I just want to be forgotten by those who knew my past self as it is so humiliating and painful. I only feel safe where I am anonymous, where nothing of my past can be remembered when seeing me. I only feel safe with my family and a few of my close friends who know what I'm going through. I also don't have problems with anyone I've just made friends with after I changed.

I am aware that this isn't the best way to live and that my life is limited and that I'm missing out on so much because of this prison-like state. Of course I want to be able to look anyone in the eye and feel great about myself. Of course I want to be free to go anywhere as I please without any fear. On top of that, I want to get better for those people I love and who love me. But I haven't yet figured out how to help myself...

[Evexoxo]

You and me are in the quite simar situation
It is putting me under so much anxiety and i feel like running away from everything!

[Ripose]

Although our situations are not the same I too avoid people from the past. I even moved to a new city to avoid bumping in to anyone. In the 11 years I have been here I have only seen two people I know, one was a cousin, the other a very close friend, so there were no problems. However I started doing the same thing in my new city, so it started me thinking that I was not avoiding just my past but all contact with anyone I know. I realized that I don't like people in general and that I had become a hermit. From talking to doctors and people on the Internet it was determined that I have A Social Avoidance disorder (among other things).

I do not care about the unwelcome changes in my body because I recognized early on that everyone changes. There are many people that have deteriorated far more than myself and I do not think anything less about them, so why should others care about me in that way. Sure there will be a few people who have not grown or matured and they still remain petty, almost like a spoiled 2 year old. But these types are generally small in numbers.

I think what you should keep in mind is, of course your new appearance and attitude will catch many people off guard, but do not mistake somebody being surprised with someone who disdains you. They are completely different. You may actually find that most people from the past will actually like the "new you" better than the "old you".

Keep posting and making friends here. It can really help you to feel better about yourself and others.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I have a very similar problem. :|

[Silent Void]

I could have written your post. I'm haunted 24/7/365 by my history. I have a huge problem with intrusive, looping thoughts of my past. I second-guess and critique everything I've ever done in my life. It's exhausting.

I'm a recluse and I hate running into people I know out in public. It just catapults me into another round of psychological self-torture. These looping thoughts last hours and destroy the quality of my life.

I've been on many medications over the last 21 years. Nothing works.

I hope you have better luck.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by Silent Void

I could have written your post. I'm haunted 24/7/365 by my history. I have a huge problem with intrusive, looping thoughts of my past. I second-guess and critique everything I've ever done in my life. It's exhausting.

I'm a recluse and I hate running into people I know out in public. It just catapults me into another round of psychological self-torture. These looping thoughts last hours and destroy the quality of my life.

I've been on many medications over the last 21 years. Nothing works.

I hope you have better luck.

'o.O That sounds almost eerily familiar. I'm guessing you have OCD, like me?

[Silent Void]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

'o.O That sounds almost eerily familiar. I'm guessing you have OCD, like me?

Treatment resistant bipolar with psychotic features.

I also have trouble with anxiety, usually when I venture out in public. I'm a social spaz. But, my looping thoughts create the most anxiety because I always dread running into people I know in public even though it's only going on in my mind.

[truebliever]

Hi desespere.I moved 200 miles from my past,but live in a tourist in a major tourist town,i look when I see the tag on the car and wonder if its someone from there.The very few times I do go near that area,i don't go into the city limits.My past has nothing to do legally,only hurt.some my fault,mostly others.I have the chance to move closer to there,but don't know if I want to be close.See others do feel the same way you do

[truebliever]

Hi Repose,how was your dr.appt.You feeling any better.hope so

[Evexoxo]

Sadly, i am in the same town and i hate it.
I am only here because i love my family.
Because of running into people i almost have locked myself in my house.
I don't go out frequently and want to run back home incase i am out.

[truebliever]

Good Evening Evexoxo.I might be like you in a few monthes,my husband wants to move back to the area we are from,because of his health.I've started looking for homes,and I want to go to a point,but I'm looking in the other direction,of this town,but its the county seat,so I will have to go there.I'm sorry you are going into your house.Please take care of your self.I wish I could help you.It will get better