[damaged92]

i have been avoiding these things for a long time, but sat down tonight n thought what the hell, can't hurt to post on a forum.
i am having a really rough year on top of a really rough life, 2 horses i owned had to be put to sleep, rescued an old cat that died from the state of neglect she was in. my step dad died in april in a freak car accident, being sued for something that isn't my fault. and these are just the major things.
every day all the little things pile up on top of the big things, and every day i feel worse! i feel hopeless, lost, anxious, faint, exhausted, have no motivation, irritable also suffer from insomnia and migraines, get palpitations...the list is endless. i really am at the point where i feel like i am drowning and clinging to my sanity by a thread, i just dont want to live like this any more, but cannot see a way out
anyone else experience this / if so how do you cope ?

thank you for reading

[Blue_Bird]

Hi damaged92, I'm sorry for all that you're going through. Have you considered therapy? Sometimes it's good just to have someone to talk to about what's bothering you.

By the way, welcome to PC! Feel free to contact any of us Community Liaisons if you have any questions or concerns.

-Take care,

[Sprite22]

You are having a hard time...well wishes to you for a better years end.

[damaged92]

i see a trauma therapist once a week, and just a support worker once a week. in some ways i feel better, in others i feel worse.
i swing between crippling lows, where i either sob my heart out or just appear 'absent' and manically happy moments where everything is hilarious and i feel so happy i actually tremble.
have tried quite a few different meds so far (am off any currently, review thursday to try yet another one) i either just feel like a zombie, not quite with it but still feel awful...or get really strong reactions to them. worst reaction i ever had an hour after taking the first tablet i couldn't see properly, collapsed and could not get up, then started vomiting....terrifying!
my nerves are letting me down in all walks of life i yearn to better myself academically and achieve personal goals but there is always this barrier in the way. half the time i do force myself to go through with things that are planned or things i absolutely have to do, but the feeling is so awful where possible i do avoid at all costs!
i just desperately want to feel some sense of 'normality' and acheivement, nerves are ok, we all have them...but really struggling to do normal things like call people on the phone, pick up prescriptions, see friends, go to the doctor ect and god forbid its something like a driving test (which i keep failing!! despite being a good driver according to my driving instructor) i have got to the point where i can see my therapist without feeling like i am going to pass out and he is fantastic, but just need it to calm down.
no one seems to understand how awful it feels and when people say just do it, once you have done it once you won't be afraid, they dont realise it can take doing a certain things countless times and never see an improvement in my nerves.
trying to be strong but feel like i am failing epically !!

[Disorder7]

How do I cope? Meds.

Do they always work? No. But they keep me from running out into traffic or doing some other godawful thing that enters my mind.

[Bluegrey]

Hi, damaged92. I have a similar long list of things, but no real answer I'm afraid. At the moment I'm just trying to carry on making myself do things, as you do, I'm seeing a therapist and am on fluoxetine (plus a whole lot of other meds for other things). I don't know whether you have a focal thing that's particularly unbearable? There's one situation like that for me, so although there are lots of others I suppose I'm putting most of my efforts into coping with that.

It's to do with social anxiety, and it does seem to be going on and on. But I can see a bit of progress, though it's small - I use Facebook as a graded exposure tool. At first I was scared just looking at it, then I started liking the odd thing, now I'm sharing items that other people have put up and writing the occasional comment. It's still not easy, but I can see I have moved on a bit. I know what you mean about doing things over and over again and it isn't any easier - I think that maybe taking tiny steps and giving it plenty of time might help. Not setting your expectations too high at the beginning.

I don't know if that's any help, but I hope it's at least a bit of reassurance that there are other people in the same sort of struggle.


Bluegrey

[anxteach]

You are not alone. I feel many of those same things. I'm sorry you've had such a rough year, that is a lot to deal with. I wish I had some grand advice to help make it better, but really I think it's just trial and error with therapy and meds to find something that helps. Do you have friends and family that you can lean on as well? It's scary to admit to people sometimes that you're struggling, but I've found that many really do care, they just don't know how to help.

[damaged92]

thank you for the replies!

Bluegrey...my main fear is confrontation, i fear anything that could lead to someone challenging what i say or challenging me on a mistake i make. this worry is constantly in my head, i hate opening the post just in case there is a letter with bad news, never answer the phone to an unknown number, hate even paying rent on my field or house (i make my partner do it) just in case they have a query! it utterly terrifies me. i cant even begin to explain the feeling except for maybe blind panic mixed with dread at the thought of it.

the other thing that is slightly less bothering than the one above, is i HATE people watching me when i have to carry out a task. even something very simple like making a cup of tea! i am convinced i am being judged every second and that people will think bad of me if i make a mistake. the problem is in these situation i actually end up making mistakes while worrying about making them ! sorry if that makes no sense!

anxteach...i do have family support, unfortunately i don't feel able to tell them the full extent of my problems. dropped a few things in casual conversation to my mum that my therapist had said to me. (said i had read about it and that's totally believable as i obsessively read everything...and i mean everything!) and mum just said it was ******** and anyone like that isn't ill and is just ****ed in the head :/ so that blew it right out the water !!
my partner is extremely helpful, he really picks up the slack when something needs doing and i can't. plus if i have had a particuarlly bad night he wont wake me and will just take our daughter out to give me peace. he is really worth his weight in gold. he just struggles to understand, he can also be unintentionally hurtful as he is extremely blunt and to the point. never means any harm just doesn't seem to have the head to mouth sensor i do, and his view is get on with it. he is very supportive in day to day life but if i try to talk to him about anything meaningful he just has a blank expression and says he 'doesn't know what to say'.
no one, not even my therapist truly knows the extent of my problems i struggle with on a daily basis. soon as i try and tell anyone i just get 'stage fright'.
i have always been the 'strong one' and struggling somewhat now my carefully constructed 'strong' disguise has left the building !

i do have a worry at the minute of how mentally unstable can i appear to a therapist without it starting to affect my life outside that office. i worry about getting sectioned, as i do have a suicide plan just never voice it to the extent i feel it as too afraid of what will happen afterwards...plus worry people will think im a bad mother

[anxteach]

Wow, I totally understand what you're saying. I too dread confrontation and people watching me/judging me. Even when people are telling me I'm doing a good job I secretly think they're lying and really I'm crap. I'm glad you have support, especially from your partner - he sounds great. I have a wonderful husband that helps me too, but they can't solve our problems for us, and I'm sure it's hard on them to care and want to help but not know what to say or do. I don't even have a therapist... I'm looking, but everyone is booked out so far and I want someone to help me now.

[mountain human]

Sounds exactly like the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder, which is what I suffer from. Some of my treatments are meditation (takes practice for sure), journaling my thoughts, feelings and experiences, going to therapy (individual now, group eventually), no meds as I'm a recovering addict!

_____________________________________________________________

Came a long way to get here
Round and round in great big circles tryin' to ease my fear
Out in all the mysteries and distant new tomorrows
There goes another one, don't know which way the wind blows...

[anxteach]

Originally Posted by mountain human

Sounds exactly like the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder, which is what I suffer from. Some of my treatments are meditation (takes practice for sure), journaling my thoughts, feelings and experiences, going to therapy (individual now, group eventually), no meds as I'm a recovering addict!

It's interesting - I had always assumed Social Anxiety Disorder was a fear of social situations and not connecting well with people, and that's not me at all so didn't even think to consider that it might be what I'm dealing with. But the more I hear about it, the more I realize that the definitions can be varying depending on the sufferer. I don't fear all social situations, just one: work. And I love my coworkers! It's a weird and complex thing.

[CosmicRose]

I can totally relate. I don't have fear of social situations other than WORK, and before workplace anxiety it was classroom anxiety. This basically means I have an intense fear of being scrutinized and judged, or messing up and failing. I'm really not sure where this comes from because I know everyone makes mistakes, that's part of being alive. I think it has to do with ego. Having everyone's eyes on me, judging me or whispering about me behind my back, or people thinking I'm weird. I'm not just paranoid about this either - it's actually happened before. Some people thought I was weird in high school and this gave me a huge complex. It has affected the types of jobs I go after - usually being isolated jobs that don't involve helping a lot of people, which kinda sucks for me because deep down I feel like I'm useless if I'm not helping people. A perfect catch-22.
I'm not on medication either, and therapy hasn't helped me in the past.
I've never tried group therapy though, that might be interesting to hear from other people about similar struggles.
I've been thinking about talking to my doc about going on valium or some type of calming medication but I don't know if I really want to rely on pills.

[damaged92]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I can totally relate. I don't have fear of social situations other than WORK, and before workplace anxiety it was classroom anxiety. This basically means I have an intense fear of being scrutinized and judged, or messing up and failing. I'm really not sure where this comes from because I know everyone makes mistakes, that's part of being alive. I think it has to do with ego. Having everyone's eyes on me, judging me or whispering about me behind my back, or people thinking I'm weird. I'm not just paranoid about this either - it's actually happened before. Some people thought I was weird in high school and this gave me a huge complex. It has affected the types of jobs I go after - usually being isolated jobs that don't involve helping a lot of people, which kinda sucks for me because deep down I feel like I'm useless if I'm not helping people. A perfect catch-22.
I'm not on medication either, and therapy hasn't helped me in the past.
I've never tried group therapy though, that might be interesting to hear from other people about similar struggles.
I've been thinking about talking to my doc about going on valium or some type of calming medication but I don't know if I really want to rely on pills.

this is one of the things i struggle with, want to better myself or go out and work but am terrified of being judged. even have probs in therapy with saying personal things about myself instead of a generalised overview, all stems from worrying im being judged ect. although i think therapy is helping. i do always come out feeling its a waste of time but in general i feel very slightly less anxious in day to day life. still have my real low points but in general the anxiety is slightly relieved. hope it continues !

[katelyn1019]

I experience these same things. My coping methods arent exactly healthy though...

[damaged92]

Having a really bad time at the minute feel like my life is imploding on me, have huge stress levels at the minute. I od'd on Wednesday night...one of the tablets I took made me violently sick though so threw everything up. I feel awful and sick of all the authorities involvement now. They asked me if I wanted extra support, someone to talk to, so I agreed. Turned out it was a social worker. I hate social workers !! Getting calls multiple times a day off various officials. Spending 2 hours a day sitting in rooms talking to people. Driving me nuts

[CosmicRose]

I don't even have a problem with talking to therapists because I feel that they work for me. I think I'm starting to realize my issue is directly related to social status or inferiority issues. Whenever I'm at a restaurant, I don't care what the waiter thinks of me. Whenever I'm at the store, I'm not that anxious because I know the cashier is doing their job and I'm just the customer. With the exception of the doctor's office because he knows I have an anxiety disorder, I feel "safer" and less anxious if I'm the customer as opposed to the person who is servicing or working.
For example, I have no anxiety when the waitress hands me my salad, but I would be internally shaking if I were handing her a salad and the roles were flipped.

[Sinking Feeling]

Yup same as disorder7. Some times I feel like crawling out of my skin or stepping in front of a tractor trailer on a highway. With out meds there is no question about it, I'd be dead a long time ago. But even with meds, there is no cure or perfect med. At best all I can hope for is some relief. Hang in there! Meds is important, but so is support or someone in your corner for you, and if you don't have that, get a therapist!

[damaged92]

my therapist is ok, i like him. just do not trust easily and have to have a good first impression. hate social workers, so will fight having one 100%.
i got extremely anxious yesterday when i had to meet two new people, walked out and had a panic attack.
makes me feel panicky when i know people know things about me, hence why i hate new people getting involved. i like my space and hate people harrassing me (i know its their job) but makes me feel suffocated. saw the doctor yesterday and the only thing she prescribed me was Phenergan to make me drowsy so i might sleep. her view on everything, including the things going on at the mo that anyone would find hugely stressful, is that i will no longer feel anxious or suicidal because i will be sleeping better...wish it was that simple ! just want to crawl into a hole at the moment.
i feel like everything thinks i was attention seeking, and i cannot bear that !
only reason i didnt succeed is because my body decided to violently throw it all up :/
i don't know what to do. im really struggling but after losing my trust in the people involved regarding my mental health...i'm struggling with what to say or who to tell :/

[CosmicRose]

It makes me panicky when people know things about me too. After my doctor mentioned my anxiety disorder last time I was in his office and asked me if things were okay, I said yes and he took his stethoscope to my chest to listen to my heart and my entire body started shaking. I had to apologize and blamed it on doctor's appointments making me nervous but it wouldn't have happened if he didn't know about my anxiety disorder in the first place.