[lkbun14]

I've written before in the relationship forum about my relationship and the anxiety I was experiencing. I thought I'd post here to see if anyone else had any comments or thoughts.

I was with my ex for 10 years and had known him for around 12 years. He was my best friend and we had a lot of fun together. However, he had dp and, in the beginning I had no idea what it was or how to help him. I assumed I could keep him happy and found myself walking on eggshells a lot. After he got his diagnosis, we felt better, but I still took many of his criticisms and behaviors personally. This led to a lot of anger and resentment from me.

I ended up moving for work 4 years ago, so adding long-distance on to everything certainly didn't help, but it did give me some breathing room. We saw each other as often as we could.

Last summer I began to experience my own dp and anxiety. I could hardly get out of bed and cried all the time, except to go to work. This went on into sept until I finally snapped. I broke up with my partner. I should add in at this time he was feeling great, had no anger issues, and was looking forward to starting life after suffering for so long. Everytime I had been around him in that 4 months, my anxiety became so severe- I would get sick, shake, etc. I couldn't handle that feeling anymore.

We've been broken up since sept and have only seen each other twice in that time. Both times I had a lot of anxiety going to see him, but had a great time once I relaxed and saw him. We've discussed trying to be friends or to go no contact. He's been very supportive in whatever I want, but has said he knows I'm the one and he's there if I need anything.

Last night I hardly slept and was really anxious when I got up. I couldn't stop thinking about him wasting his time on me when I wasn't sure what I wanted. So I messaged him and told him that I don't feel the same love I used to and that I don't ever see us getting back together. I know he expected this, but I know he was hurt. He's changed so much and all he wanted was the chance to show me he's changed.

Now sitting here tonight, I wonder if I should have given him a chance. My thoughts on the situation flip-flop, usually depending on how much anxiety I'm feeling at the time. I go from missing him to being very angry at him- even though I know he couldn't help his dp.

My anxiety has gone down since we broke up, but it doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about him. I just remember how crappy I felt last summer when I was with him (I was also stressed about moving, a new job, leaving, etc). When I think of that my anxiety goes up, as does when he texts me because I feel so guilty for breaking up with him.

Has anyone ever experienced something similar? Thoughts?

[CANDC]

lkbun, sounds like you were so focused on him for so many years that you had things build up and mount up inside you. Don't need to feel guilty about taking care of yourself.

Relationships don't last forever and patching up broken ones only seems to work for a little while.

Sounds like you made a decision. It wasn't easy. Do you really feel he is all better now or just trying to say that to get you back?

Was being together really that good or was it a big relief not to have to carry his problems and yours?

Only you know the answers. A therapist could be a good aid to creating a life for yourself and processing left over feelings. Many people on PC will consult with a psychiatrist to get medicines that help stabilize the feelings and thoughts.

Many forums here may be of interest. Articles are found at Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information.

[lkbun14]

I feel that he is better now and making an effort to help me feel better. I guess it's hard to come to terms with how long I carried all these problems without really saying anything. It has been a relief to just worry about myself, but I still feel a lot of anxiety throughout the day. Somedays I can see us getting back together and having the life we've always wanted and then other days I'm just exhausted. I know I need time to heal and make a decision that is best for me, it just doesn't always seem clear cut and easy.