I dont know what to do. I dont know whats wrong withe me.

quick history in bullets

-always in trouble as a kid. Acting out in class. Ripping up homework. Parents were pretty much at the principles office with me every other day.

-been diagnosed with so many things. Different doctors and different pills all the time. Apparently I have this and this and this. Really annoying

-I was bullied alot in school. Constantly being picked on and people hit me pretty much every day.

I've been diagnosed with depression, adhd, and a whole bunch of other things. I'm sick of all these different people giving me different answers.

My parents tried to help me in every way they could but all those diagnosis were wrong. I believe now that I have some kind of paranoia or anxiety disorder. Multiple doctors have told me i should use anti anxiety medications. Anyway here is my issue.

I have no friends and no job. I don't go to college. I simply cannot get out of the house. I have constant thoughts that everyone around me is talking about me. I have walked out of jobs several times for kind of panic attacks where ill start to believe everyone is talking about me in a negative way behind my back. Even if we just had a great conversation. I have frequent random thoughts about really depressing things. For example I just had a cigarette a few hours ago and for some reason it tasted different. I came to the immediate conclusion that my cig was laced and Im going to die. Everything all of a sudden became really scary and creepy. Like the happiness of everything was just ripped away. If I saw a smiley face it would be evil. This stopped after about thirty minutes. But these thoughts happen randomly.and the little panic attacks can last up to an hour. What is wrong with me. These "thoughts" and "attacks" are scaring me. I don't like thinking all these bad things.

What should I do. Everytime I ask for a medication like xanax or any benzo my parents fear its abuse potential. But what life am I living without the stuff. I've had it before(friend gave me some) and It was wonderful. I wasn't high and falling to the floor. I was just free. Free from all the sick horrible stuff that runs through my head every day and night. I just wish someone could help me.

Any suggestions? What's causing these thoughts? What should I do? Anyone else have the same problem?

(((TheLonelyGuy)))

I think your observations are insightful in that you are so keenly aware of your problems. I am guessing that you are fairly young as you need to depend upon your parents for obtaining meds. I may be wrong, sorry if I am. I really feel that not only do you sound like you have bad anxiety but also intrusive abnormal thoughts. This is something that definitely needs to be evaluated by a professional. It sounds like you have had some bad experiences in life so that may be where the anxiety is coming from but as far as where the thoughts are coming from...that would best be left to a therapist. I would suggest that you work on getting a therapist or doctor who can help you work on the origin of your anxiety and abnormal thoughts. btw...welcome to PC. I hope this helps and I wish you the very best.

Just fyi, stop smoking, because I really think cigarettes induce paranoia or other bad symptoms on the body. I can speak from experience. I picked up smoking for about 4 months, I would smoke every day outside on my porch. I always felt sick whenever I went back inside my house after a cigarette. One night after a stressful day, I went to smoke a few cigarettes outside. After the 2nd or 3rd cigarette I started panicking. I felt such an intense panic attack come over me that I couldnt breathe, I felt like I was about to throw up, I was shaking all over, my voice was shaking, I felt like I was dying.

I believe cigarettes can have an affect on the brain or the body that can induce certain symptoms. I did research on schizophrenia about a month ago where I watched dozens of videos on schizophrenia just because I was curious, and a common theme that even the commenters talked about was the fact that "all the people in the videos who were diagnosed with schizophrenia smoked cigarettes." Every single story they did on a person suffering from schizophrenia, there was a cigarette in their hand, I'm not even exaggerating.

I can't conclusively say cigarettes have anything to do with schizophrenia or any other mental illness but after noticing that, I decided to throw out my pack and not smoke again.

Oh Lonely Guy!!

I hope you are seeing a therapist for this. Being bullied everyday is so damaging. No wonder you have PSTD-like symptoms!!

Growing up, for me, was emotionally awful. Getting therapy in my late teens saved my life. All I can say is that I had better results with therapy than with medications. But there isn't any reason you can't do both.

There is no shame in asking for help. I hope your parents get you the help you need.

I am 20 years old. I depend on my parents for the medication because as of now i dont have the money to pay for them. I dont mean to sound like a drug addict but i know a small dose of benzos could help so much. But for a long time they had refused to pay for any benzos. Telling my doctors that they dont want me having them. Even though a legit therapist said it would help. I am currently withdrawing from remeron (Mirtazpine). Ever since Ive been taking that filth Ive had these panick attacks. This never used to happen. My parents are telling me i cant be withdrawing from the medication because i never took it for a long enough time. What garbage because ive read the withdrawal signs and im getting all of them. Im going to see a therapist soon but im pretty much giving up because none of them understand whats going on with me. Because i dont understand whats going on with me. I hate this.

A therapist can help advocate for you, to help convince them that the benzos are a medical need.

But definitely make use of a therapist as well as medication if you can. Medication just controls your symptoms but therapy is what will eliminate them. Use both if you can.

Is there any way for you to get some type of public assistance to help you help you pay for meds? I know there are some companies that will give you prescript' cards to help pay for meds; you'd still pay for a small portion of it--but they would pay for most of it.

Medicine Help Through Prescription Assistance Programs

Home | NeedyMeds
NeedyMeds Free Patient Assistance Drug Discount Program | Epocrates
Free Prescription Drug Discount Card - Drugs.com
www.drugs.com/discount-card/

that is weird about the schitzophrenics smoking, all of my schitzophrenic friends from the clinic i attended smoked and chain smoked like me. i smoked for over 30 years i'm 54 now. i smoke e-ciggs now. i think the meds make me crave ciggarrettes. coffee is another thing that us medicated schitzophrenics crave. i don't think i could live without them. i am on 9 differrent pills a day. i think maybe if i gave up the ciggs and coffee i'd maybe feel better but i've tried to quit smoking and coffee and was just as messed up without them. damned if you do and damned if don't. i guess i do, but shouldn't for my own sake.

I'm not schizophrenic, but have worked in the mental health field for many years, including psych hospitals. Many schizophrenics are "dually diagnosed", also having addiction issues. IMO they use chemicals to try to self-medicate and sooth their chemically imbalanced brains, brains that are usually filled with even more harsh chemicals (anti-psychotics). This is why they crave drugs including caffeine and nicotine. The schizophrenia causes cravings for caffeine and nicotine, not the other way around. Not trying to defend cigs btw...