[exofangirl]

Hi!

I'm 17 and I had a panic attack for the first time last year when someone admitted to me that they liked me for the first time. I was devastated and confused, and I was to terrified to even look at this guy until months later. Now I can at least talk to him without anxiety, and he has moved on to other things. Still, I feel very bad for completely avoiding him for months and for ignoring his confession, which I fear was rather rude and selfish but I was in so much emotional agony that I can't say I would have acted differently if the situation was repeated.

In the months following this episode, I grew close to someone else and liked him a lot. However, I was confident that my feelings were not reciprocated. He was very flirtatious with me and I enjoyed this type of relationship and actually became sort of obsessed with him, texting him constantly and in inappropriate situations (while driving, in the shower, etc. things that I would never do now and acknowledge are unwise). In other words, I really enjoyed the attention and affection that I got from him without serious feelings of emotional admiration (we were very different). In some ways, I wanted him to like me, however I had my second panic attack when I suspected he began to like me. I immediately wanted to end the relationship and distanced myself from him until I was confident he didn't return my feelings. Of course this was very distressing since I was both dependent on his attention and fearful of his feelings towards me. He moved away and I genuinely struggled in the months after he left because he was a distraction from my earlier unresolved feelings of panic and now that I was alone, I was forced to confront these feelings.

After a year, I finally feel normal again. I met a different guy; outgoing, excessively flirtatious, very friendly, exciting and rather reckless, but not very mature on a moral level, in my opinion (not a good person, really, not a bad one either though. Just not highly values-driven the way I am and the way I would want a partner to be). He has many female friends with whom he flirts often. I help him with his homework and he buys me food and hangs out with me. Being around him has helped me open up socially and I finally feel like I have lots of friends, for the first time in my life. He makes me feel self-confident. It's very refreshing to feel attracted to someone again, and I feel safely attracted to him because I know he is too non-committal and I am not important enough to him for him to like me, and I also know that I would never want a serious relationship with him.

However, the other day I met someone who I immediately "clicked" with; we talked for two hours non stop about our beliefs and values and making the world a better place at a public event we were both at. This was the first time I met this guy, and I felt confident and relaxed because I knew it would be the last. However, he asked me for my phone number before he left and I have felt obligated to stay in contact with him. He texts me almost every day and at first I was okay with it, but then he began to compliment my actions and my appearance and I immediately felt sick. I feel that it would be rude to stop talking to him, and he does seem like a genuinely good person with mature thoughts and feelings, but his seeming attraction toward me makes me incredibly uncomfortable and nervous. I dread when he texts me.

I thought it may have some explanation in the typical cause of my anxieties, which is obsessive consideration of hypothetical situations, but this is more than that. I feel worried that he's creating expectations for me in his head and I now feel obligated to those expectations. It agonizes me to disappoint people to in part my anxiety is understandable. But, what I don't understand is that a single compliment could activate this sense of dread and morbid fear inside of me when I talk to this guy, and suck all of the joy out of the interactions. I now feel like I hate him, like he's burdensome, annoying and pathetic when I enjoyed our conversation when I thought I wouldn't see him again. And it's not just consideration of what ifs. Every interaction is filled with anxiety and discomfort for me even when my mind is clear of hypotheticals. If I wasn't doing self-help therapy, I am confident I would have had a panic attack.

My question is, what should I do in this situation? Should I avoid the relationship without explanation? Should I explain it and then stop talking to him? Should I continue the relationship despite my discomfort? And also, what could be the reason why this is the single greatest source of my anxiety? Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship?

Hugs to you. I would recommend getting connected with a therapist who specializes in CBT. They will help you to change your thought process which will help with the anxiety.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I think it is quite natural to be nervous of the opposite sex when you are young - people develop at separate rates. I doubt there is any need to beat yourself up about it.

I have felt obligated to stay in contact- actually I am not so sure there is an obligation. If you really do not wish to keep in contact it is all right to say so. A reasonable fellow will accept your decision.