How my Dr. Destroyed my life.

Having always been diagnosed with generalized anxiety & possible depression, I still managed to live a somewhat happy, normal, successful 22 years of life thus far. At the time, the word "dissociation" would have had little to no meaning or significance to me, that is, until the day it became the parasite that latched on tight, and literally sucked the life out of me. For me, these occasional episodes of "lost touch with reality" began after a traumatic breakup with my longterm boyfriend. He moved out on bad terms so i was living in my apartment alone & didn't have any friends or social interaction. Constantly being alone, I began to feel an eery sense of paranoia creep over me, especially at night, not being used to sleeping alone. Out of the blue while watching a movie or showering I started having random adrenaline rushes followed by a most terrifying yet unexplainable sense of doom that i was no doubt in my mind for some unknown reason-DYING. After a panic stricken 911 call & 2 emergency room visits later, I learned that what I was experiencing were in fact harmless to my body physically. They were anxiety fueled purely psychological panic attacks. As if that's meant to comfort me? Within days I noticed that every evening precisely as the sun began to set, a gradual wave of paranoia and a strange empty, disconnected feeling would creep over me. My vision slowly became foggy with only a clear tunnel view if I focused on a precise object, everything else just seemed to blur together and fade away. The best word I can use to describe this feeling of being would be "surreal" but not in the breathtaking sunset you'd normally think of. The feeling was extremely difficult to comprehend, I just knew I didn't like it one bit. My heart would begin racing & i started to feel like i was disconnected from my own body! I had no idea what was going on. Why was i suddenly terrified & paranoid of everything?! I couldn't even walk properly because i felt like i was floating or swimming. I felt like i was outside of my own body watching my life as a play in a theatre. I felt like I needed to slap myself to "wake up" or snap out of this "brain fog" but the only way to make it stop was to go to sleep & hope it'd be gone in the morning. Within a week of taking Celexa I was 100% back to my normal functioning self. Dr. increased dose from 15mg to 30 after a week & I was set for 6 months until I mentioned to my Dr. That I was still having some depression (worst mistake of my life) she took me straight off the Celexa complety (no gradual weaning) after my body had adjusted & relied on it for almost a year! & told me to try Cymbalta which I had never heard of. Within a week of being on the Cymbalta the dissociation was back-this time permanently! 24/7. I lost my job due to being physically unable to get out of bed from the major depressive episodes, I gained 10 lbs in a week since i no longer had the motivation to go to the gym (or live!) I went crawling back to my Dr. after pushing through the 2 most miserable weeks of my life begging her for the Celexa back. Her response was that I was being "impatient" expecting "instant results" & that I had complained about the Celexa too! So you can see what she was implying. Reluctantly I followed the doctors orders & upped the Cymbalta to 60 mg (double of what she started me on) also adding 200 mg of Lamictal on top of that to "stabilize my mood" as if Im F**king PMS-ing!! So here i am 2 months later waiting for my new psychiatrist appointment because my previous Doctor who put me through h3ll & experimented on me like a Frkn lab rat told me to start making phone calls to see another psychiatrist because my condition was "too complex" her exact words after poisoning my brain's chemicals for months regardless of my constant clear complaints of getting worse. I am currently worse off mentally than i have ever been or imagined i could ever be. My daily norm now consists of sleeping 15+ hours from major depressive disorder fatigue and being up until sunrise from the agonizing insomnia from my worsened anxiety, panic attacks, possibly now also diagnosed with bipolar depression & ocd along with dissociative disorder. Not to mention the misery of getting through a day trying to find motivation to want to live and some hope that this devastating damage can somehow miraculously be reversed. Thanks alot Doc.

sorry that you're feeling this way. been through all of this stuff too. that's why I don't trust meds. from one side you can be mad at your doc but on other nobody knows how you will react to meds, for one person it may help, for other not.. some meds works after 2 weeks, other after 2 months or more and got tons of side effects.. I myself tried ssri which according to my doc shall start to work after half a year.. but I gave up after month, side effects similar to yours were too hard to handle.. have you got a therapist? if not I think you should get one, meds won't repair mind imo. some can calm you down, but in my opinion it's like putting a blanket on scary monster. this monster will still exist anyway.

lucami- thank you for your reply. I agree 100% with your opinion of pills. They are nothing more than a temporary bandaide. They stop the immediate bleeding but dont heal the actual wound. So, my plan & hope is to find a med that will enable me to function normally daily and think clearly so that I can begin to heal through permanent lifestyle changes, therapy, changes in mentality, Faith/church, healthy nutrition/excercise, vitamins etc... & hopefully no longer need to be on any medication whatsoever. This is my goal & I am determined to achieve this! Im sick of always overthinking EVERYTHING in life, having a purely pessimistic outlook on life, the exhaustion & fatigue from depression & the lack of motivation to get out of bed & even just to live at times. The unpredictable side effects, the inability to keep a job, the endless doctor & pharmacy trips. Im seeing a new Psychiatrist tomorrow & will have my records transferred from my other Dr. & never go back. She is just in it for the money she doesn't truly care about her patients well being. She called me her "Problem Child" & said I can't be "Bothering her every time a new medicine doesn't work instantly." She literally gave up on me! She told me i have to find a new Dr. My boyfriend says I should file a law suit... What do you think?

hey sorry for late reply, depression kicks me hard lately.
If you still want to try other meds, be prepared they may have tons of side effects too, keep in mind it takes time to see if med works or not.
good plan with this changes, maybe you could try herbs too, for me valerian + listening to meditation or mindfulness on headphones helps me with going outside (I have probably extreme agoraphobia), it works better than hydroxyzine (after which I only had problems with thinking and focusing on anything like I'd be drunk, and had full blown panic attacks anyway in 90% of cases). good that you are determined to get better, it's a first step
'Im sick of always overthinking EVERYTHING in life, having a purely pessimistic outlook on life, the exhaustion & fatigue from depression & the lack of motivation to get out of bed & even just to live at times. The unpredictable side effects, the inability to keep a job, the endless doctor & pharmacy trips.' same here plus few other things like tons of fear
how was your meeting with a new doc? yup sadly lots of doctors care only about money, especially therapists, after all longer therapy, more money for the therapist heh.. it's so hard to find a good one but don't give up if you'll have bad luck, I've been to 3 psychiatrists, 3 therapists, still didn't find one who would really help so still looking for. never give up never surrender
that's mean of her, she shouldn't say that to you :/ there are two options, or she was tired, after all dealing with other people problems must be mentally exhausting, or she's just mean person.. Well in my opinion, you should learn from this, remember, and let it go. if you would bring this to the court it would only take a lot of your nerves, would be stressful and judge could not take you serious because of your mental problems (from my own experience ppl sees mental disorders like depression-you're lazy, panic-you're crazy) so it's just better to let it go. when you see next doc ask about meds, how they work, when they supposed to start working, about side effects etc. ask if you may call psychiatrist anytime (although I think therapists are more open for this option, like one psychiatrist said to me, 'what I can do, I only prescribe meds'.. therapist could be more helpful).
and btw, did you check your iron level, thyroid and adrenals? it may cause symptoms like mental disorders.