[circles5]

Hi all,
i've just read two articles on pychcentral; something which i never normally do.. i tend to stick to the forums

I firstly read an article called: Want To Be Mentally Tough? Stop Doing These Five Things
Want To Be Mentally Tough? Stop Doing These Five Things | Leveraging Adversity

Now i found this incredibly helpful, altough i found it a bit hard to digest as i have personal fears about being a 'cold, unpleasent' person e.t.c (stemming from my OCD concerns about being like my abusive narrccisitic father.)
The following excerpts are what tripped me up.

'Stop Off Loading Responsibility.
'While they (mentally strong people) know that sometimes things happen that are out of their control, they know that they — and only they — are solely responsible for how they respond to these things. You will never see them pointing a finger, blaming anyone else for “messing up their day,” “making them feel bad” or “making them angry.” Instead they simply take responsibility and accept their responses as their own, aware that these are choices they are making — and if they don’t like them it’s no one’s fault but theirs.'

^ now i can get behind that,,, i think. But sometimes people really do try and mess with you.. and i always feel responsibility for my actions, but sometimes i feel like i was pushed beyond my coping limits.
which leads me to the next heading:

'Stop Taking Things Personally.

Those who get through setbacks and come out stronger know that these things are not personal. Whatever those around them do, they recognize is a reflection of that person’s character, and only that. Mentally tough people do not believe that anyone “has it out for them,” or “that the world is against them.” Instead, they recognize that what happens to them is the result of other people’s actions, thoughts, and feelings — which they are not responsible for. So they spend no time wondering why others do the things they do, and a lot of time thinking about what they will do about it.'
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Now the first half of that i really agreed with; 'no-one has it out for them / world is against them' (granted some people do seem to have it out for me....) -

but here's where i find it really, really hard to get. The part above where it says:


'Instead, they recognize that what happens to them is the result of other people’s actions, thoughts, and feelings — which they are not responsible for. So they spend no time wondering why others do the things they do'

Now i can see the pathology in the thinking above.. and i do believe that is probably a key part of being strong minded. but doesn't that also lead to self righeous thinking, ?? it seems to go against the grain of the first heading;

'Stop Off Loading Responsibility' -
If you 'press all the wrong buttons with someone and deleberatley piss them off; sure it's down to them how they react - in terms of their actions... but it surely is going to effect them on an emotional level??
So in that instance; by antagonizing someone - you are responsible for a / the change in their mental state?? just as if you did the opposite... and, say gave them a hug - and put them in a happier place for doing so..
- While it is to an extent an unknown to you what emotion, or change in mental state you will ellicit by acting towards someone in a specific way, you are the catylist ?? aren't you??

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So that's me thinking from the otherside / other person's side..

Now the second article is about relationships (not abusive ones it specifically mentions)

article:
Double Trouble: Two Bad Habits That Kill Relationships:
Double Trouble: Two Bad Habits That Kill Relationships | NLP Discoveries

after discussing the two bad habits, the article then has a heading:
"What's the right turn?"
and it proceeds to propose an alternate way of dealing with conflict, instead of isolating, it focuses on communication - (that was my interpretation of it anyhow)

So now where this ties into the previous article.. and has got me kindo've spun:

Quote from article:

'Ideally, turn toward your partner, hurt feelings and all. Communicate with vulnerability
How? Tell the truth about your hurt feelings, very specifically
It’s simple:
When you didn’t look up from your computer as I was talking, it hurt my feelings.
When you were teasing me about my hair, it hurt my feelings.
When you told me I couldn’t go with you, it hurt my feelings.

Now i'm beggining to think i've missed something, just as i've got to typing this far in this thread/post...
but my original thinking..... was along the lines of, i thought you're supposed to be responsible / take responsibility for your own feelings / actions...

but they seem to contradict eachother like i mentioned earlier...
say if someone... 'didn't look up from the computer'.... i would feel a bit neglected - i'd brush it off, but it would leave a small imprint of hurt for a little while..

and while the reason for my reaction would be indiosyncratic.... - in my case it would be a feeling of being unwanted, not neccesarily neglected but, undesired..
due to past events and how i now react to certain stimuli: which would make me feel a bit worthless... -

Now: that is my reaction and i feel it's silly,, and try to take control of it.. (responsability) as, maybe the person was really busy, or just distracted; musing on a thought or feeling... or just really fascinated with what they were reading / looking at.
but i still got hurt, and... that is me then spending all my 'resources' trying to work out why they didn't want to engage with me.... when to be 'strong minded' i shouldn't diverge resourses into figuring out why people do what they do... and instead what i am going to do about it....

I guess i currently take things very personally, i certainly withdraw in 'conflict' - not that not looking up from the computer is typical 'conflict' - it's just not a reciprocation of communication or the desire you have to communicate...
and i don't withdraw in resentment... usually.... i withdraw in a kind of resignation and sadness... (of course,,,, nobody loves me.....e.t..c)



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So, that turned out to be quit a long post..... sorry,
i'd love to hear anybodys insights, i think i got a little bit lost mid way but brought it back round toward the end..
(i'm withdrawing from prozac and not having it easy )
I'm pretty sure my main thought was about emotions and actions... and how they correlate. And how can your actions not be effected by your emotions,,,, and how do you become so 'tough skinned' or moreover hardened/strong minded that you don't allow yourself to be emotionally effected by people..
And then how that ties into 'not taking things personally' and rebutting someones actions as 'not personal' / purely down to 'them'.....

what a head spin...


Kind Regards
Circles5

[Keyslost]

This is a really cool thinking question/discussion nicely done! Here's what I think you're missing (could be wrong). When it's a random person who just wants to assault you via internet then your best defense is to not let it get to you. So that's what they mean imo don't let it get to you, develop thick skin. Now when it comes to relationships the best way to develop a great one is to be open with that person. You do need to be vulnerable and be able to talk about those feelings. The other person should be willing to hear you out b/c they are no longer random bully but a loving person you've accepted into your life. With that acceptance comes responsibility from both of you to respect the other person and hear them out. In short cut out the bully invite the love

?s at the bottom - 1. Practice though it still hurts. 2. Again I would say practice be careful not to go numb though, try to be happy 3. I know it's a tricky one. It still hurts but you control how you react and how long/much you let it hurt. So you're absolutely correct which is why it's so confusing. It's not up to you to not let it affect you at all but what you do about it after. Took me awhile to get that and often times I forget. Hope this helps, let me know if you still have ?s

[circles5]

thanks Keyslost,

really appreciate your insight on this.
i'd like to discuss further, but i'm afraid my brain has fogged over entirley - i'm almost incoherent ... so foggy.

i'll get back after some rest.

All the best.
C5
x

[mannasat81]

This is the exact thing I am working on through therapy now. Good read!