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I was having an okay morning until I actually left the house. I've always been hyper-aware when people are not really paying attention to me, i.e., when they look through you instead of at you. This probably stems from my long dragged out story of not really being connected to people - I feel like I got gotta shake em real hard or I will no longer exist. I remember once telling my therapist (yes the guy I paid to listen for years) that I often would be paralyzed for hours when a barista or somebody I thought I had a connection with would just ignore me. His response was something like "you shouldn't let the small stuff bother you". This was fairly devastating from the person who I was relying on for support - he had no idea what my lonely world was like. This brings me back to this morning when I tried several times to start a conversation and the reaction wasn't what I needed - people are just not a reliable medication. Now I know that the world isn't geared towards me but in my twisted little thought pattern it must be or I end up in the intensive care ward for hours or days. The irony is that with all the therapy and medications my view of the world hasn't changed - I will always by in desperate need of attention and a first grader. Crap.
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Apr 20, 2015, 12:34 PM
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.
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