[E_Hyde]

Hi all, first time poster here.

I'm curious if anyone else here suffers from social anxiety while also being an extrovert.

On another forum I recently wrote a pretty long, detailed description of my experience with this, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate on this forum. Please let me know if it is and if so, I'll just copy and paste it.

But here's the short version:

Many of my "friends" in high school were a mixture of hyper-critical people and emotionally distant people. I never felt much intimacy from my friendships in those years, and I was constantly pressured to party and engage in things like drinking that I had no interest in.

As a result of all that, I became something of a loner and only hung out regularly with a small group of two closer friends. Because most social interactions were with very critical and un-supportive (emotionally distant) people, I was always seeking refuge in being alone and came to believe I was an introvert.

In college, I rarely socialized, but I made one friend I still stay in touch with. After meeting her, I realized, as strange as it sounds, that it was possible to be friends with actively supportive people, encouraging people. Yet since my school days I've had social anxiety so I rarely take the initiative to meet new people.

I often feel lonely, and my social and other anxieties make me feel cut off from people. It doesn't help that when I do meet people, there admittedly aren't too many I really "click" with. But still, when I do meet the right people, I feel recharged. Years of being alone have made me feel drained.

So now I wonder if I've actually been an extrovert all along, and that what I thought was introversion is actually just social anxiety derailing my normal extroverted instincts.

Are there any extroverts with social anxiety here? How do you cope with it?

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!

[BeaFlower]

Hi! Hmm, interesting question...I don't know if it's possible to be extrovert and also have social anxiety...my first instinct would be to say no, but maybe sometimes it's possible. Hope that others can give useful feedbacks.
However, it's good that you enjoy meeting new people Nobody would be happy to be always around people that are 'wrong' for them.

[ham123]

Originally Posted by BeaFlower

Hi! Hmm, interesting question...I don't know if it's possible to be extrovert and also have social anxiety...my first instinct would be to say no, but maybe sometimes it's possible. Hope that others can give useful feedbacks.
However, it's good that you enjoy meeting new people Nobody would be happy to be always around people that are 'wrong' for them.

I actually cpletrly know how you feel on the level of being an extrovert and having severe social anxiety. I a tually think I'm so extroverted to over compensate for my anxiety, almost trying to run away from it. A lot of my anxiety now stems from self hate and I'm trying accept my who I am anxiety and all.

I'm interested in hearing about your extrovertidness bc I consider myself very outgoingz life of the party, center of attention and all that stuff bc like I said, I've always over compensated. At this point in my life, I'm sure 29, Im becoming more comfortable with my anxiety and coincidentally looking to be less and less extroverted. I'm learning to breathe and be present through moments of anxiety rather than "run away" with over activity.

I'm curious to know if there's more to your anxiety beyond your friendships, like family stuff, parents, etc. I ask bc I carry a lot of shame with my anxiety bc I had a normal childhood, good friends (no emotional investment at a younger age), and loving parents and I don't have a big traumatic event to attach my anxiety too. My anxiety is built on piled up little traumatic events happening over time, but I'm just realizing this now in my anxiety work.

Love to hear more and it your experience. Thanks for writing!

[E_Hyde]

To BeaFlower:

From what I understand from reading online recently, "introvert" and "extrovert" are often very misunderstood words. "Extrovert" simply refers to a person who feels emotionally "recharged" and happy from being around people, even if that person acts shy and quiet. An introvert, on the other hand, could seem really outgoing, could even be a loud "life of the party" person but they feel drained from this (they might enjoy it but just in short bursts) and when it's over they're happy to be alone to "recharge."

So that's why I think I might be an extrovert after all. I'm very shy and quiet in social situations, but if the people I'm around are friendly, supportive, funny, encouraging, not negative or cynical, then I feel really happy and recharged and don't really want to be alone again.

To ham123:

When you go out and act like the life of the party, act outgoing and stuff, etc., do you feel happy afterwards, and emotionally recharged? Or do you feel emotionally drained or stressed?

As I said in my reply to BeaFlower above, I think that's the real definition of either an introvert or extrovert. It actually has less to do with how a person acts and everything to do with how they feel.

Anxiety is a whole different thing of course, and I believe it can affect introverts and extroverts.

To answer your question, I don't think there's a single defining reason for my anxiety. A big part of it was school, which I always hated; being forced to go to school as a kid stressed me out from kindergarten to senior year and I just never adapted to it. I never had any sense of control over my life, so I came to associate socializing with a lack of control, I think. So from there tons of little things built up, especially in my later school years when I had such negative people in my life.

I hope you're able to work through the issues that led to your anxiety. I know how difficult it is, I'm still in that process myself.

Thanks for your replies!

[popuri88]

That's weird. It's really hard for me to tell what part of me is introversion and what part is anxiety. Am I really an introvert?

If I hang out with a group of nice people and have a nice time I'll probably feel refreshed, but I think it's part because it overcomes my expectations. What if I'm wrong? How do I know if I really feel drained around people or not?

[vonmoxie]

I think it's absolutely possible; I'm a natural extrovert who periodically suffers from social anxiety. As a kid I was always told I was an introvert, but as my withdrawal from social situations back then had to do with factors completely out of my own control, I eventually came to the conclusion that the label was at best a bad estimation. The only scientific gauge I've submitted myself to in this regard is the Myers-Briggs test, but even there on some tests I get the result of INTJ but I more often test as ENTJ.

It's not really an either/or situation, actually, extraversion and intraversion. Everyone has elements of both; it's just a question of which is more dominant, and to what degree.

There's also a lesser known third category called "ambiversion", to describe the qualities of someone who is comfortable in social interaction but also enjoys time alone. Something tells me it might be more productive though (and accurate) to consider the ways in which one enjoys or experiences extraversion and intraversion, than to label oneself one or the other, although for someone who dominantly experiences only one (or feels they experience them exactly equally) it might make more sense.

[popuri88]

I don't think I'm an extrovert, but, to be honest, I don't exactly remember my reaction to "being with people" or how do I feel after it. When I'm not constantly exposed to social contact I tend to relax and forget how exhausting it is. What I can remember now is that after a regular week of work/college I just want to be home or somewhere else either alone or with someone I feel absolutely confortable with.

So yes, I'm an introvert. I was confusing things and that "wow, I overcome anxiety this time" feeling. Adding to it that I had acohol in such occasions.

[LifeGetsBetter]

It really makes no difference, in my opinion, whether one is an extrovert or an introvert when coping with anxiety. The question is: How does one cope with social anxiety?

I am an extrovert and don't get any social anxiety.

[popuri88]

Originally Posted by LifeGetsBetter

It really makes no difference, in my opinion, whether one is an extrovert or an introvert when coping with anxiety. The question is: How does one cope with social anxiety?

Well, for me it makes a difference. I don't always know if I'm acting like a healthy introvert when I, for example, decline invitations, or if it's just me avoiding anxiety caused by social events. Not knowing how to tell this apart makes me question my decisions, my personality ("am I really an introvert or is this anxiety?") and causes me anxiety. I've been unfair with myself sometimes, with my introversion.

Not to mention that I'm honestly affected when people treat introversion or shyness as a bad trait. :/