[mulan]

I have a long experience with mental illnes, the list is long, from depression to psicossomatic disorders, to anxiety. And so one.
Currently I am seing a psychiatrist that works in the hospital where I study (I am a med student). She is treating me for my depressive symptoms, but I am not sure how aware she is of my anxiety ones.

During the years, I have been questioning myself if I really have social anxiety or the problems I find during socialization are just a part of the bigger picture that is another mental problem. But I tend towards the social anxiety thing. In fact I think this was the reason why I became depressed in the first place.
As a medical student attending my last year, I already have some experience talking to patients. I can do it. But I also know that dispite doing it moderately well (I don't think I am excellent) I can't stop feeling nervous during it and specially after. When we talk to the patients in groups I don't have this problem.

Beside my close family I don't have any true friends. And even with my family I frequently find myself trembling in some situations analising their reactions and imagine what they might think of what I am saying.
I worry a lot of what people might think of me, even with children, when I talk to them I worry they could find me boring and I don't feel very confortable.

I already had social anxiety and depression when I enroled medical faculty, but believe it or not, in a short term it was the saffest option I had. Since my sister was studying there already and I could have her support. Back at the time I imagined that if I went to somowhere else I wouldn't have anyone to turn for help and guidence. I wasn't sure if I could succeed only by myself.

I knew that my social problems could be a barrier in this career, but how I had six years ahead of me before becoming a doctor, I thought I had enough time to face and defeat them with the proper help.

Things weren't that simple and I am still here facing the same problems. I never told my doctor how I feel, first because I am ashamed of my weakness and of my failure, and I don't want people to look at me as a freak that can't have friends... and I didn't want to disapoint my family. Now I also have the factor doctor. I am afraid people judge my choice of career and don't find me suitable for it if they find out.

I intend to talk with my doctor about this. She thinks I am schizoid, not that she had told me directly...but I know for sure. I am afraid I really am (I don't want to) and I am afraid of embarassing myself telling her I have social anxiety or social anxiety like symptoms. I am afraid she will criticise my poor own judgment, my medical knowledge in the area, or that she thinks I am saying this to excuse my behaviours of social withdrawing. I am indeed afraid I am using this an excuse for not believing I might have this personality disorder and not wanting to believe that I don't care about other people and I don't have feelings towards them. I think I do, but I fear I am foolling myself trying to think of me as an empatic person.

Sorry for the long text. I look at my life and with my disabilities I can't stop wonder how will I turn in the future.

[Dern]

Hello, Mulan. Please consider printing a copy of your post for your doctor. As you know, you cannot get the help you need without full, honest disclosure.

Would it not be such a delight to see yourself overcoming that which now plagues you?