[hatemyself14]

I just don't know anymore. I just wanna give up on everything.
I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling, so I'm just gonna have to go through my life, it's the only way to explain.
I'm a 14 year old male and I'm currently a Sophomore in high school. My whole life I've suffered from social anxiety and I've had issues talking to other people. The issue is, I love to socialize with other people, but I simply can't, I just make everything awkward and even with the few "friends" I have I end up messing things up and end up with everything against me. People usually ignore me, as if I was invisible. I've dealt with this my whole life, but now I really can't take it anymore. Since the beginning of my life I've been considered "smart", in school I've always had complete A's, highest test scores in my class, even perfect scores on state finals. I even skipped a grade in math. It was the one reason I went on, it got me some attention, and I dreamed of going to a higher tier university and completely succeeding in life. As I went through grades the stress increased, with more work, but I was still perfectly fine throughout all of elementary school and middle school, wtih A's everywhere. before I go on I need to explain something or nothing else will make sense. I absolutely hate work and school. I can be rather lazy, and in my entire life I've never studied for a test, or anything else for that matter. I would simply go to school, do what I could, score an A, everyone would like me, and all would be well. Then high school happened, and things got complicated. Throughout every grade previous I've had all honors classes, so I did the smae thing in high school expecting the same A's I had gotten before. 9th grade however, increased exponetially in the amount of work and difficulty of it from 8th grade. Then to make matters worse, the math teacher I ended up with that year didn't exactly know how to teach, making that class brutally hard. Anyways I somehow managed through the first semester (half the school year) with a 4.3 GPA or something like that. This is when things began to go wrong. THe second semester started, and things got far harder, and I guess I jsut got overwhelmed. I simply couldn't do it, and I ended up with a D in math (which by the way, is my best subject, but that teacher....) and a bunch of B's instead of A's. That really hurt me, emotionally. From there, things just came crashing down. I expected to do better this year so I foolishly took all honors classes and an AP class, but the work probably increased by about 50 times, and I just got overwhelmed. No longer was I the best, or even decent. Now I really did become invisisble, I couldn't talk to anyone and I was no longer "smart". My grades have jsut been dropping fromt here, and up until right now I haven't given up, this entire year I've been doing everything to go back up, but nothing I do is working, and the depression from being sociallly invisible is not helping. To make matters worse my parents, instead of helping me, don't care about anything I say and don't even belive that I have social anxiety. And insetad of trying to help me get my grades up, I'm yelled at like crazy and constantly grounded for doing homework late and having "low grades". I say low grades with quotes because they think I have a few C's along with A's, in reality I don't have a single A, my B's are dropping to C's and I have a D and an F in 2 other classes. With only the rest of this week and 2 more weeks left in the semester, it's over. I already have to retake a semester of my last math class over the summer, with two more failed classes the dream is dead. My life is pointless, I'm gonna end up a cashier at McDonalds my whole life. This is only half the story. Everday I wake up I'm depressed, I keep looking for reasons to go on, but I just can't anymore. I always feel better when I talk to people, but by trying to explain some things I said here to my parents everything backfired on me and made things worse. The same occured when I tried to explain to one of my "friends". Now the few "friends" I have are slowly drifting away because they think I don't care about school or something, while I've been absolutely tearing myself apart trying to fix my grades. So it would seem I'm completely useless, I'm not smart, i can't scoialize with anybody, and nobody likes me. There's only 2 reasons I've made it thus far, or I would've given in a long time ago. Before I would jsut get rid of my stress through playing video games, but it became more of an addiction at one point, because if I wasn't playing I was depressed. That however did end because of two things. The first being that I found my passion and what I would study in college (not anymore though, that dream is dead), computers. I love comptuers, from the cpu that runs them to programming them. So I tried to distract myself there, learning more and more, and dreaming of one day succeeding in this field and going to college on it. The thing is nobody really cares, so it's been more of a personal thing. I was still completely stressed out socially and then something else happened, which would be the second reason I've tried thus far. I met this girl, who I quickly developed a crush on. That gave me hope that I could succeed in school and scoially, so I gave it everything I had, even pushing video games and my passion for comptuers aside. My grades actually improved ever so slightly, but as always, everything collapsed. After trying for months to fix my social issues to even try to talk to her and fix my grades in the process, everything failed, my grades have gone down since then and I still haven't been able to say a word. I'm simply useless, I can't do anything, I'm doomed to never be able to scoialize and live a life on minimum wage. I don't want to go on anymore, at some points suicide popped into my mind, but I fear death more than anything.
Please help me, I just can't do this anymore, I just want the torture to stop, please..............

[shezbut]

I am sorry that you're having such a tough time right now.

High school and college is meant to be challenging. While it's great that you've soared through your schooling up until this year, now is a good time to slowly adjust to your way of learning new things.

Take things one step at a time. If you've seriously tried talking with either parent more than once, and each time have been misunderstood try it one more time, but sit them down and explain in slow and simple, honest terms. Like: "Mom, Dad, we need to talk." Give them a few minutes to settle down and get comfortable. Then go on, "I am having a very difficult time. This year is very hard for me, and so far my grades are ________." Lay it all out on paper. Math ___, English ___, etc. They can see your grades in black & white then, plain as day. Go on, before they overwhelm you with questions, and quickly state how you've been struggling with this concept emotionally.

You feel overwhelmed. Etc.
You can also use this time to help them understand how you feel that you've been treated emotionally. What's important here is how you are feeling. You need some type of help.

Whether it's a listener, a tutor, a therapist, a friend. You will probably need one or two of these things to help you through this struggle that's happening before your eyes. Things will get better. You do need to commit yourself to reaching out for help & following through completely.

Gentle hugs to you ~ please do reach out now.