[MusicianMan20]

DON'T READ 11

Hey guys. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't seem to find a solution to any of my problems and they only seem to be getting worse. I have these very intense and graphic intrusive thoughts, which at the moment am already so disgusted by the thought of them, that I can't describe them right now.

This has always been a problem for me and at first I could make it thru them because as a kid you don't know the horrors of the world and you can't understand how evil people are so when I look back, yes I remember having intrusive thoughts but they were of pathetic comparison to how they are now. Now they are so powerful that it has started to ruin my life.

I have intrusive thoughts but I also have the effects of many other mental and social disorders because of them. Because of my intrusive thoughts I have begun to hate crowds due to the increase of thoughts, I have begun to isolate myself, which made me lonely, which made me depressed, which led to me doing self-harm, along with starting to eat less and starve myself normally only eating 1 maybe 2 full meals a day. My intrusive thoughts have also made me kind of bipolar in the way sometimes I will be happy and all of a sudden I get these horrible intrusive thoughts and then I am very depressed and anxious. So not only am I worrying a out and dealing with my intrusive thoughts, I am having to live through a seemingly endless list of struggles that are burdening my life.

I am so lost in life and everything seems so horrible and fake and I just feel sick to my stomach thinking about my life and the thoughts I have had. I just want it all to be over but this isn't something that can fix itself quickly, at least not that I know of. I am just hating my life and regretting everything in my life. And my parents and friends keep asking me if I am ok and that they are worrying about me and I keep saying I am alright but I am not. And it's because I have slipped up in my acting and the facade they have been believing is me is starting to go away and now I think they are starting to see the real me. The poor, hopeless, depressed mess that I really am. I am tired of acting like everything is alright but I don't she any other option. I don't know how to get help. I don't know how to respond when someone say are you okay, and all I can think about are all the intrusive thoughts bouncing around in my head killing my sanity and I have no choice but to say I am alright because I don't even know what is wrong with me anymore. I am lost and I don't even know anything anymore I can't focus anymore, I rarely if ever get happy anymore, I am almost always depressed. I try to smile but it feels fake because I know I am only doing it to hide the pain within that is killing me. My struggles are like a poison in my bloodstream and they are just getting mixed around until finally it is over and they kill me. I already feel like I am dying if I'm not already dead inside. I need help but there is no one helping, I need peace but I am being forced to fight my thoughts and my anxiety everyday when I am forced to continue my life. Everyday I go to school and come home and sit in my room all day sometimes just laying on my bed staring at the ceiling or pacing my room back and forth for hours on end. I am starting to fail my classes because I can't focus, I can't keep it together long enough to do it. And when I do get it done it is even worse because I am afraid I did something wrong and I am always thinking about every last math problem or word in my English essay and I am stressed out by all of the work and I can never have it perfect. If I don't do my work I stress over what the consequence will be and if I do get it done I get stressed over every detail and stay up all night correcting, editing, redoing and perfecting it because I can't relax without it. And when I go to school I get in trouble for sitting in class when we should be working on something but I can't because when I work I get stressed and when I get stressed I get intrusive thought especially if I am around a large group of people like a classroom setting. I am not looking forward to anything in life because everything most people look forward to is painful to me. People want a good job, but work will only stress me out and make my thoughts>depression>and ultimately my life worse. People want to have a spouse or family in the future but I could never live like that with my thoughts it would kill me to think any of those thoughts towards a spouse or child. I don't want to do anything anymore because everything hurts me and I am gambling with the game of life and every time I roll the dice I am sentenced to die but I won't accept that just yet. I don't want to live for anything or do anything anymore but I also strive to at least do something with my life. Because when I die, regardless of religious beliefs, I want to do something to make my life have any meaning; any at all.

I really don't know what I am asking here… I really just want to know what to do, how to get help, and how to start enjoying life again because that is the only way I could ever become happy again. Even if I can be happy for one more second just to be able to remember how it feels, because I honestly don't remember what it feels like anymore.

Your intrusive thoughts may be an indication of OCD. There are 'Y-BOCS' checklists online that might be interesting and eyeopening to you to take a look at.

You seem to be depressed. Asking for help is okay. You mention school. Perhaps there is a counsellor or instructor you can turn to.

[Daphnelover]

Asking for help is definitely okay. We all need help sometimes. It sounds like you're family is worried. Why not open up to them and ask for help? I agree with rcat.. it sounds like you may have some symptoms of OCD.