paranoia, paranoia, everyone is commin' to get me

So recently, I figured out that i was insane. I know it's not my fault you see, circumstances made me this way. My mother left me alone a lot as a child, even when I was young. So I was always very needy, and wanting of attention, I would do just about anything to get it. When doing good got me a toy and more alone time, I figured maybe being bad would work. The attention grew the worse I got, and then it started to fade. She'd written me off as a bad kid, and there I was, alone again. I had began to enjoy this bad lifestyle. It made me feel cool, grown up, and like I needed nobody while I was in the act of doing something bad. Then the teen years came, and my friends started sleeping with boys, staying out all night drinking in co-ed situations, and doing drugs. Although not interested in sleeping with boys, I did enjoy the drinking, until I got raped, by a 23 year old, when I had just turned 17. He took more than just my virginity at this point, he made me afraid that unless I gave a guy what he wanted, I was going to get hurt. Slowly the pain faded, as the memory was washed away more and more in the waters of time. I was just about to turn 18, when I was interested in a boy again. I saw him in a college hang out, where I and a friend I had just made hung out one day. It was raining, and we wanted to eat our lunch indoors. I went to a table, and my friend brought our lunch. We were talking when I turned my head to see if someone we knew was there, and I saw him. He was average height, pale skinned, dark hair and eyes, dressed nicely, and well groomed. I looked at my friend, interupted what she was saying, and said that is the man I am going to marry. She rolled her eyes, said it was silly of me to say something like that, and went back to what she was saying. Time passed, and the boy and I got together. He was kinda loving, never too sexual, we never really experimented with that, and he ended up taking care of me financially. I liked how soft he was, like a new born babe, gentle. He asked me to marry him after 3 months of dating, and I said yes. His family dispaised me because I was a white girl, not a cuban girl like they wanted. It hurt. He joined the air force, saying it was so we could be together. A lie. He joined the air force, because he wanted to fight away gay urges, which I would find out about later. We were wed February the 23rd, two days after my 19th birthday. We got stationed in Louisiana, and were there in May. The warm summer felt good on my skin, and the freedom to be away from it all felt fantastic. I was very concerned though, seeing as we still had not really done anything sexual. He was gone a lot, working extra hours because he'd get into trouble, at least that's what I was told. Really I soon came to find out, that he was sleeping with other airman. One who even stayed with us a few nights where he would get drunk, high on pills, and then would have sex with my husband while I was in the house. My husband and I grew farther and farther apart from the friendship we knew. I was always hiding and crying, or letting him beat me, just so that I could win his love, and not have the new family I was starting fall apart. I was afraid I'd end up like my father, three failed marriages before he was 45, and still looking. I did everything for my husband, and tried to be Mrs. Cleaver for my husband. He did not care. He was soon kicked out of the air force, and we moved back home. Once home in April, it was not long before he started to cheat with men again. We moved to seperate locations, and one day, he stopped taking care of me. He'd up and completely vanished by August. In October he told my roommates to tell me it was over. I was heartbroken, not because of him, but because I felt abandoned, and like I had failed. I soon moved on, getting a job, working through my depression, and moving on with my social life, considering my roommates thought it not healthy for me to be so alone all the time. I dated, it fizzled. Still, they pushed me to continue on. Bad date after bad date, I kept dating until one night, I thought magic had happened. I was sick of being alone, but sick of dating. I wanted nothing more than a friend, not another interview for who the next guy to get in my pants was. Running late as always, I heard a knock at the door. My one roomie got it, while my other roomie and I did my hair. She then went to meet him, and last, I came out, about 25 minutes late. He was tall, chubby, wore glasses, spikey hair, and although not like wow, what a hottie, I still found him quite attractive. We went on our date and it was magic. We clicked. There was so much chemistry, it was unbelievable. We ended the night with a soft, nervous kiss. We bonded with that kiss, and the romance grew, until it seemed like we were inseprable. The sex was amazing, we were in love, it was passionate. Now, all he does is work, claiming to have some deadline. It's supposed to end on friday, but now he is saying he will be there during the weekend too. My fears are all coming back to me now. I am afraid that he is cheating, although for no good reason. I am feeling lost, and abandoned. I have started to use pot just to cope with hurt feelings that I am just not ready to handle. I feel so lost, is there a light?

I had a chance to read your post...for your first one...you are very brave to let this all out...I hope it helped putting it on "paper"...

Your life has been filled with challenges to say the least. I'm glad you found PC...

Post again when you are ready...today I don't seem to have the words I would like to say.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central. I feel that seeing a therapist may help a lot of your self esteem issues, and help you to see things in a more balanced perspective. I hope the best for you. Take care of yourself. Soidhonia

I know that because of your past, your current feelings about your husband feel so very real to you.

What you have to do is to try and put the situation into perspective:

So, you have reason to beleive your husband is cheating?

Is working overtime out of charecter for your hubby?

Have you found something suspicious?

Etc........

Sometimes we have to go through a process of elimination to place our minds at ease about a situation that is causing us great anxiety.

You seem very insecure with yourself. This is understandable after all the heartache you have been through. I think that you must first start on you. Fixing you and your insecurities. Healing yourself.

Much of this can be accomplished by therapy. But I also feel that there are those of us who must build up to that because therapy is a huge step. For me anyway. But I find books helpful on the issues I need help with. I beleive that if we can understand ourselves we can begin to fix ourselves and eventually that spills over into all aspects of your life.

Sorry, I am rambling.

But please, talk about your feelings and fears with your hubby too. Keeping all of this inside has got to be a huge burdon to you. Release that burdon. Please continue to post here also.

Jen

i'm glad you found this site you will find ppl here who understand how you feel here we can let out our feeling and others respond with advice that either helps or is encouraging so my advice to you is look for therapy and talk to your boyfriend ask him to tell you whats going on it may very well be nothing so hang in thee and if you ever feel anxious jsut pm me and i will be there fo you luvs and hugs stephy