[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of anxiety disorder. For example, I spent two day researching a social movement and panicking about my own moral scruples - to the point of curling up and crying uncontrollably for half an hour while contemplating suicide.

Possible trigger:

It's winding down as I find more input on the anxiety-causing issue to explain and justify myself and my new choices. But there's still lingering guilt: I feel almost bad right now about living for myself in any way. I know and largely accept that I'm inherently selfish: my ideal life is to basically have enough money to pursue my interests, however useless and "privileged" they are, and do something with them, eventually. Oh, and acquire a little recognition for myself through some creative, individual acts. That's it though. Surely I'm not a moral monster for this? But what if I am? What if my motivations are inherently awful, what if I'm really, really a bad person for just...not caring about most other people that much? To be more interested in abstract, self-glorifying self-improvement than helping others?

I'm painfully defensive about this. It really feels like an emotional survival thing as I think about my options.

The rumination won't stop, and like I said, I feel guilty about listening to music, watching TV, thinking my usual fantasies, reading/listening to anything I can even tangentially relate to (improving) myself, reading novels....yet I want to force myself to do these things just to regain a sense of normalcy. I know how I can improve in regard to this temp obsession, so please brain, let it end.

This rumination is so common it's painful. A similar thing happened...I think it was a couple weeks ago. And before that. It's awful, and always different things. Once it takes hold I can't get rid of it, sometimes for days, and I'm desperately trying to shut my brain up in one way or another. It's been on and off for several years now. Can anxiety set in late?

I know no one's supposed to diagnose here, and yes, I should see a therapist. Right now, though, I'm broke (and guilt-ridden), so don't have much access atm.

Sorry for long post.

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of anxiety disorder. For example, I spent two day researching a social movement and panicking about my own moral scruples - to the point of curling up and crying uncontrollably for half an hour while contemplating suicide.

Possible trigger:

It's winding down as I find more input on the anxiety-causing issue to explain and justify myself and my new choices. But there's still lingering guilt: I feel almost bad right now about living for myself in any way. I know and largely accept that I'm inherently selfish: my ideal life is to basically have enough money to pursue my interests, however useless and "privileged" they are, and do something with them, eventually. Oh, and acquire a little recognition for myself through some creative, individual acts. That's it though. Surely I'm not a moral monster for this? But what if I am? What if my motivations are inherently awful, what if I'm really, really a bad person for just...not caring about most other people that much? To be more interested in abstract, self-glorifying self-improvement than helping others?

I'm painfully defensive about this. It really feels like an emotional survival thing as I think about my options.

The rumination won't stop, and like I said, I feel guilty about listening to music, watching TV, thinking my usual fantasies, reading/listening to anything I can even tangentially relate to (improving) myself, reading novels....yet I want to force myself to do these things just to regain a sense of normalcy. I know how I can improve in regard to this temp obsession, so please brain, let it end.

This rumination is so common it's painful. A similar thing happened...I think it was a couple weeks ago. And before that. It's awful, and always different things. Once it takes hold I can't get rid of it, sometimes for days, and I'm desperately trying to shut my brain up in one way or another. It's been on and off for several years now. Can anxiety set in late?

I know no one's supposed to diagnose here, and yes, I should see a therapist. Right now, though, I'm broke (and guilt-ridden), so don't have much access atm.

Sorry for long post.

In a sense it's anxiety, but I consider anxiety to be a symptom of something else (real or perceived).

I think it would be more accurate to call it a confliction. Altruism v. self-interest, but you mentioned a word that I find telling: guilt.

Thus I would like to ask you about the concept of religion and what role, if any, has it played in your life? If you feel I may be on to something, please answer in PM to me, for I want to talk about central tenets of religion (which is against our Community Guidelines if done on the forums).

I have pneumonia right now, so please allow up to 24 hours for me to reply.
Thank you.

[elevatedsoul]

i dont think its selfish to purseue yourinterestd....
its your life and you are supposde to do what you enjoy and makes you happpy...
it only becmes selfish when you repeatedly neglect others close to you... to achieve thiese things.... its your live... you jave to be happy with it... and why not pursuse what you enjoy...

it sounds like anxiety tome...

enjoy your pleasures... nothing wrong with that...

anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
"he felt a surge of anxiety"
synonyms: worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, uneasiness, unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude, inquietude, perturbation, agitation, angst, misgiving, nervousness, nerves, tension, tenseness; More
desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.
"the housekeeper's eager anxiety to please"
synonyms: eagerness, keenness, desire
"an anxiety to please"
PSYCHIATRY
a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Oh hey, replies.

I'm disappointed that I ended up using my latest obsession as an example. It's only one of many. I get similar reactions about existential stuff, about my likes and dislikes, about what I'm doing with my life, about food ethics, about what and who I am compared to 'better' people. Guilt that may as well be about existing.

The amount of it can be miserable. And I don't even know where it comes from.

Yet, for me, it's mostly just nervous rumination. Once I had an actual, extended fear reaction, the cause of which I don't quite remember. It was bad. Otherwise, I do worry about stuff basically all the time and am usually trying to avoid thinking about much of anything. Which makes me feel guilty for being a coward and running away from the important issues because I can't handle it, but it tends to feel like emotional self-defense.

[elevatedsoul]

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry, that is, apprehensive expectation about events or activities.[1] This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals with GAD typically anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friendship problems, interpersonal relationship problems, or work difficulties.[2][3] Individuals often exhibit a variety of physical symptoms, including fatigue, fidgeting, headaches, nausea, numbness in hands and feet, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, excessive stomach acid buildup, stomach pain, vomiting, diarrhea, bouts of breathing difficulty, difficulty concentrating, trembling, twitching, irritability, agitation, sweating, restlessness, insomnia, hot flashes, rashes, and inability to fully control the anxiety (ICD-10).[4] These symptoms must be consistent and ongoing, persisting at least six months, for a formal diagnosis of GAD.[1][2]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genera...xiety_disorder

anxiety maybe could be explained as nervous rumination...?

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

^ It could be...

I'm in a state today so I guess that's why I checked in. It feels like I'm just terrified of life itself. There's psychological danger everywhere these days - ugly truths about people in general that fill me with disgust and horror and no one bothers to explain how to cope; the insane pace of technological advancement, so much that it won't be long before human beings are obsolete (and if the entire species is inferior and obsolete, there's absolutely no hope for an individual of that species to have any worth); the sheer amount of problems in existence that are overwhelming to think about, more so if you feel some kind of responsibility or consider it a moral obligation to care....

It's easier to just go numb and pretend nothing outside your head exists. Or else end up curled up in bed in fear.

[elevatedsoul]

i know exactly what you mean

are you in therapy or treatment..?

anxiety is tough... they diagnosed me with panic disorder 2 times but they keep taking it off because i avoid all those situations so much i dont have enough panic attacks to keep a diagnosis of panic disorder i guess...

i don't really know how to deal with anxiety either... dont have any good coping skills... i just try to distract myself as much as possible... therapy can help work through why things make us anxious though... it just takes time and is a slow processs...

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i know exactly what you mean

are you in therapy or treatment..?

anxiety is tough... they diagnosed me with panic disorder 2 times but they keep taking it off because i avoid all those situations so much i dont have enough panic attacks to keep a diagnosis of panic disorder i guess...

i don't really know how to deal with anxiety either... dont have any good coping skills... i just try to distract myself as much as possible... therapy can help work through why things make us anxious though... it just takes time and is a slow processs...

I'm not in any kind of treatment; I just bug people on the internet.

I doubt I could get diagnosed though. I've never had a panic attack. There was one time in fifth grade where I had this really weird episode where I couldn't speak and wanted to run out of the room; and I mentioned another instance of a strong anxiety reaction to something I read a few months ago. But that's it. I could never get diagnosed. I have some skepticism about therapy in general though.

Thanks.

[elevatedsoul]

you can have anxiety without having panic attacks

i dont have many panic attacks because i avoid all situations that invoke too much stimulation and whatnot...

generalized anxiety is pretty much where your mind wont shut worries off

never know about it unless ya try to talk to a doc about it
treatments vary i guess depending on the severity...

therapy is good only if you have a good therapist that you can connect with...
they can teach you coping techniques and ways to handle the anxiety and stress a little... so a few sessions may be helpful, never really know..

i guess i would gauge how much its effecting my life and then decide if i should go to one of them for help with it

you're not bugging me

i dont have a psychiatrist right now myself so i end up writing alot sometimes myself... ranting about my crazy mind sometimes

panic attacks are what you get in panic disorder, although alot of people will have a panic attack some point without really developing severe anxiety / panics...