[Anonymous37919]

I don't get support any more from care agencies, and having anxiety triggers a lot of panicky type feelings, which I have no help to cater to. Using medication to combat anxiety is of no interest to me. Many people struggle when they are socially inept and may believe that using drugs will make them feel more depressed. This depressive state does not mean I am 100% incapable. It is just that I have a fear of having a nervous breakdown in front of other people, and so I feel a secondary person present to participate/support me, may be effective in combating any feelings of unease in social situations. Typically, such anxiety can subside on its own, but there is no way of telling.

I actually arranged for to see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, I am still waiting for a letter I do not think is going to arrive. And my anxiety issues can really bug me, so I don't go out places much any longer, especially on my own, in case I have a panic attack. I've supposedly got something like autism, and I'm convinced I have OCD as well. Although the dipshit doctors never actually diagnosed me with autism in 2007. Yet the support was made available to me for such a long time, until it went horribly wrong 3 years ago.

The problem is, I ended up landing myself into bother because of female support workers, did a stint in jail because I breached a court order relating to them, lost my flat, and ended my support, of my own accord. If you knew all the circumstances that lead to that decision and knew how frustrated I felt over everything that occurred, you would not blame me.

Anyway, I went without support for well over a year, and personally, I was not sure if these type of helpers were really worth having again. Then it dawned on me that I felt trapped because of my anxiety, and could benefit from helpers that I feel would have my back, and not be inclined to betray me, if such people even exist. Then I also realistically thought about whether they could be reliable or safe. After all, they do not have a track record of being what I would call 'trustworthy' and they log all the things you discuss with them. This is just how they operate.

I had a small degree of support for about a month ages ago, from 2 guys. Social services won't provide females, but then that can be a problem if they are short staffed. Apart from that, they could not vary the hours, so it seemed like it would be just the same timetable, all the time. So if I needed support outwith the time periods they provided, it was not possible to do so. This is when I realized it was pointless to be supported by these men, so I let them go. After I did so, my advocate said I 'threw the baby out with the bathwater' and that to me is inaccurate.

With my older support workers, they could arrange shifts to attend stuff with me, as long as enough notice was giving, but the social worker who engaged with me last year and set up my support, was adamant that arranging shifts to do activities like what I described was not possible. He is also aware that the court appointed me a supervisor, so he would be telling the support workers to monitor me.

My goal was to get into acting. Many short films require people to add life to certain scenes, but only as extras. You don't usually receive any payment and it often never creates a career in movies, but I just like to think I am still being involved, somehow.

Sadly, I feel I cannot go to things like this on my own, and nobody in my family has any interest in drama, and not having any friends besides just one who is also disinterested, makes for awkward feelings. My social anxiety is also intense, and you cannot blame me, considering I have been hurt a lot.

To light, I am actually a nice guy to get on with in person, but quite often, my open nature can backfire, and spiral into chaos over time. As you may agree, not everyone you meet in this lifetime has your best interests at heart, and bullies may exploit your lack of social awareness to either demoralize your character or use you, usually for money. Since this has happened to me a lot in my life, I have kind of gave up on wanting to trust people. Because while I want to like everybody I come across and see positive results in relationships, my emotions often remind me that it can be unwise to do so, giving the amount of hassle I've received in the past.

But do you think I should send a complaint letter to social services, stating that I should be in receipt of some quality support? They claim they want to keep people from the courts out of jail/trouble, but I think it is all just trash talk.