[qwerty68]

I have had a lot of dental work this summer that has caused extreme anxiety as I am very afraid of dentists. To give you a physical measurement, the VA takes blood pressure for almost every type of appointment, including dental. My normal BP is 110/70 give or take 3 points for both. In a dentist chair it is around 135/90.

My sister talked me into going to two sessions with a certified hypnotherapist and that helped a bit with the dental anxiety and even my sleep. I am so freaked out right now that even self-hypnosis exercises don't help at all anymore. It is so bad that my skin over my stomach has tremors. I am used to tremors but not there!

I am done with my dental work but still have fear of my teeth falling out despite the dentist assuring me I am not at risk and some of the work he did put a lot of force on my teeth. So this is a constant.

This might be more psychosis related but I have a constant fear of the police(or ambulance) coming to get me. I flip out when I hear a siren. This is pretty new and only showed up after psychosis decided to bug me. This seems to be a new constant and not the focus of this post but I wanted to show how things are piling up.

Last December, my pdoc decided to find out if I have an underlying cause for my MH issues, the first pdoc to do so since all this started in 1995, but that is another rant. My thyroid came back normal but my testosterone was extremely low. Two subsequent tests have shown higher levels(been taking various supplements at night to help boost it) but still quite low. My primary doc thought it was caused by elevated prolactin due to Geodon. So she tested for that and a bunch of other things. Prolactin came back high but I was going to get off all my meds anyway so I am tapering off Geodon and she will retest in October. If it is still high she will order a MRI, which set me off.

Last summer my vision suddenly started getting blurry. I used to have 20/15. Now I wear glasses, yeah I am 47 and that happens but that doesn't seem to help. A pituitary tumor can cause blurry vision. I also had gynecomastia a few years ago, before I was on any antipsychotic, which high prolactin can cause. What if I have had a tumor for years? I was on Effexor at the time which can account for that. I know the odds are low but my mind is constantly going to the tumor possibility. I don't know if I can wait 6 weeks to find out. The rest of the tests for pituitary and thyroid function came back normal except TSH was a tad bit high which she said Geodon could also cause. So why am I off the charts anxious about it?

I also have shoulder pain, but only when trying to lift weights, other than that no pain. An xray showed a massive amount of calcification of my rotator cuff(I separated my shoulder and tore my rotator cuff during a seizure in 1995, a banner year for me). My physical therapist said he has never seen such bad calcification there. It shows up as a solid white, thick band, for the total length of my rotator cuff. He put in a consult for an orthopedic because he didn't have the first clue how to approach it. He also said it was shocking that I have full range of motion and not in pain 24/7. So it is not life threatening but points to massive pain in the future most likely and possible surgery on it again just adds more anxiety.

I have idiopathic tailbone pain. Xray came back normal, I was hoping for a fracture or something because now I am stressed out that I have prostate cancer, which tailbone pain is a symptom, even though I have no other symptoms. Also, all my normal blood work from my physical came back normal so my doctor thinks I might have just sat on something too hard and dinged the soft tissue around it. A prescription NSAID helps just a little. So it is hard to sit for long periods of time.

Lastly, I have a neuroma in both feet which hurt sometimes but is mostly annoying. Imagine a large flat rock attached to the balls of your feet. There is nothing to do except live with it or just the inflamed nerves removed which would make my inner three toes numb.

I know what you are thinking: "Man this guy goes on forever and these aren't likely life-threatening issues". I agree, but why am I so anxious over them? Before the big crash of 1995 I was very healthy, in shape, never had an issues. Now I seem to live at the VA hospital. Even my mental health issues are worsening. I used to have plain old depression until 2010, when anxiety showed up and 2015 when psychosis made an appearance. It just feels like all of this, especially if my fears come true, is a sign that it might be time to pack it in.It is obvious I am on a downward slope and I can't see any possibility of having things improve.

What is worse is that I have tried many many psych meds over the years and there is very little left to try, leaving me with even less hope. Remeron doesn't help my depression but is a great sleep aid. I am on such a low dose of klonopin that is has been overrun by anxiety.

I don't know if I have a specific question but is there any other help. Sorry for writing so much and I hope this is somewhat comprehensible.

[Skeezyks]

Hello querty68: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I don't know as I have much of anything to offer here. I doubt there is anything I could suggest you don't already know about. I mostly just wanted to leave a note letting you know I read your post & wishing you the best as you continue with your efforts to find healing. I'm an older person now & I think I can relate to at least some of what you wrote. I have a lot of "little" things going on with me. No one of them is all that serious... at least not that I'm aware of. But taken all together, they certainly have worn me down over the years. (I'll spare you the laundry list...)

I guess the good thing in my case is, at this point, since I am older I no longer have to work to support myself. I also have made the decision that I won't pursue treatment for anything that comes up. I'll continue to live as long as my body can manage to keep going on its own. But when it no longer can I'm just outta here... I do still have a pdoc. But I'm no longer on any psych med's & I just see him once a year to keep my foot in the door, so to speak. The good thing about him is that he'll pretty-much give me any psych med I want. I figure that may come in handy at some point.

[qwerty68]

Thanks for your response.

I wish my pdoc were supportive of me getting off meds. He still doesn't think I should drop geodon despite that it is the most likely cause of my elevated prolactin levels. Now he is talking about putting me on a thyroid replacement despite the fact that my thyroid panel is fine, except my TSH is just a tad high and my primary doc thinks it is prolactin related and not at a level requiring meds. He also wants me on lithium, which can mess with my thyroid and I just lost a ton of weight. It might be time to request a different pdoc.

My geodon taper is going bad but I can't report it to him because he will try to make me take regardless of the health risks. I hope the effects don't last long.

[LucyG]

I'm not familiar with geodon, but I can tell you from experience that if what you're experiencing is from your meds, you're not going to feel any better until you get off of them! I don't mean to be unkind. When I was on meds for bipolar 2, I ended up almost bedridden and too depressed to function most days. I had so many side-effects it was a total nightmare. I finally went off them when I developed a receding hairline and extremely high anxiety to the point I was afraid to close my eyes.

I ended up using amino acids and the mineral lithium orotate to control my bipolar 2. I was absolutely amazed at how much better I felt as so many of the symptoms I was experiencing were side-effects. I also wasn't nearly as depressed even when I hadn't started taking the amino acids yet. Little did I know that pysch meds have depression and anxiety as side-effects!! If you don't believe me, google your meds with the terms 'side-effects, depression, anxiety' and see what you come up with it. It was like I had taken meds to make me depressed an anxious for 13 years!

I still have my ups and downs, but it's nothing compared to what I experienced on the meds which barely controlled the bipolar. Now, if my mood shifts, I take whatever supplement is needed to bring it back where it should be. What used to take up to 6 days now takes 18 hours.

One other comment that won't win me any friends. The reason your Pdoc is against you going off the meds isn't because he cares so much about you personally but because he's being paid to prescribe these meds to you.

[handheart]

I will tell you that your thoughts are not real they are just only your anxiety that wants you to be scarry .So try to say to yourself : This thoughts are not real are just some thughts and they dont have power on me .I am powerful and i have faith in me .Do this every day with emotion and you will defeat this fears if you are persistent

[TishaBuv]

I can relate as I am right around your age. You have both health issues relating to aging and anxiety. If you had a malignant tumor for a long time, it would have killed you already. When doctors suspect something is cancerous or life-threatening, they take you for tests immediately.

Light exercise like swimming helps me feel a lot better physically and mentally for a temporary relief.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by LucyG

I'm not familiar with geodon, but I can tell you from experience that if what you're experiencing is from your meds, you're not going to feel any better until you get off of them! I don't mean to be unkind. When I was on meds for bipolar 2, I ended up almost bedridden and too depressed to function most days. I had so many side-effects it was a total nightmare. I finally went off them when I developed a receding hairline and extremely high anxiety to the point I was afraid to close my eyes.

I ended up using amino acids and the mineral lithium orotate to control my bipolar 2. I was absolutely amazed at how much better I felt as so many of the symptoms I was experiencing were side-effects. I also wasn't nearly as depressed even when I hadn't started taking the amino acids yet. Little did I know that pysch meds have depression and anxiety as side-effects!! If you don't believe me, google your meds with the terms 'side-effects, depression, anxiety' and see what you come up with it. It was like I had taken meds to make me depressed an anxious for 13 years!

I still have my ups and downs, but it's nothing compared to what I experienced on the meds which barely controlled the bipolar. Now, if my mood shifts, I take whatever supplement is needed to bring it back where it should be. What used to take up to 6 days now takes 18 hours.

One other comment that won't win me any friends. The reason your Pdoc is against you going off the meds isn't because he cares so much about you personally but because he's being paid to prescribe these meds to you.

I appreciate your response, but I am well aware of side-effects. They are plainly listed and easily obtained.

I do know I am orders of magnitude better today than in 2010 when my MH last crashed and was not on anything at the time. That is the one thing that gives me pause about dropping all my psych meds. I am considering staying on remeron, but at a lower dose, it helps with sleep but 15mg does it just as well as 45mg and it doesn't help my depression much at all. I am starting to feel more energetic now that Geodon is clearing out and the withdrawal effects have subsided, hopefully my primary docs assertion about a rare side-effect of Geodon is what is causing my pituitary issues. I will have to see what the next few weeks bring.

My doc is a VA doc and no he isn't being paid to prescribe anything. That is not how VA operates, they have a formulary that dictates what doctors can prescribe. I know exactly what he fears and he isn't completely wrong. If I crash again and succeed in my next suicide attempt, hopefully there will not be a future attempt, it will just be another story about how VA doesn't care and how they failed yet another vet. All pdocs, no matter where they work at hyper-aware of the possibility of losing a patient because of something they did or did not do. It is just more pronounced at VA lately. There have been many stories, most overblown or completely incorrect over the past few years that there is a knee jerk reaction going on that borders on being too cautious. I understand that, and I would hate to be the focus of any news story, even in death. I really dislike being the center of attention.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by handheart

I will tell you that your thoughts are not real they are just only your anxiety that wants you to be scarry .So try to say to yourself : This thoughts are not real are just some thughts and they dont have power on me .I am powerful and i have faith in me .Do this every day with emotion and you will defeat this fears if you are persistent

Thank you, I actually do that in my self-hypnosis sessions. It helps sometimes. My negative thinking is very deeply ingrained in me, and added to my paranoia it is a tough battle. But, I do fight it which will hopefully get me through the month intact.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I can relate as I am right around your age. You have both health issues relating to aging and anxiety. If you had a malignant tumor for a long time, it would have killed you already. When doctors suspect something is cancerous or life-threatening, they take you for tests immediately.

Light exercise like swimming helps me feel a lot better physically and mentally for a temporary relief.

You are right. It is sad, but that doesn't help a whole lot. I am working on it. I wish I could swim(and run). My shoulder calcification starts really hurting while swimming which is a terrible thing because I used to swim for hours. Same thing for running, I wore out my knees running 5-20 miles a day for years so I can't do that without causing my knees to swell. But I do walk as fast as I can for about an hour when my feet aren't in pain. Not quite the runners high I used to get but it is a nice feeling. My worries shrink when I can exercise.

My mind goes straight for the worst case every time. I have had multiple docs tell me over the years that if what I thought was true I would be dead, that doesn't stop it. I even walked into the VA ER in 2010 and told them I was dying of a heart attack. That was my first run in with severe anxiety and didn't know what it was but I went to the worst case possible. They took me seriously and ran lots of tests and scans, I am surprised that they didn't commit me that day.

Two summers ago, it was hotter than normal, and I was overweight and I got a small but noticeable amount of swelling in my left foot and ankle. I went straight to congestive heart failure since that is a symptom, even though I could take brisk walks for an hour or more. My doc had to talk me down from that and told me the heat and age can cause it because the veins in the lower legs get weaker over time so some fluid accumulation happens. I am still a little unsure even after 2 years, my mind does me no favors.

My vision has noticeably gotten worse over a few years but last summer is when it became a real issue. I went straight to diabetes and was freaking out about that. Luckily my annual physical showed normal blood sugar levels and I am actually not too worried about that anymore, probably because I had physical evidence.

I still think my teeth will fall out which is causing problems even though my dentist assures me they won't. I had a minor psychotic episode grocery shopping last weekend. I yawned and I though all my teeth popped out and spent a few seconds looking around for them before I realized it didn't happen. I really hope that sort of thing doesn't become common now that I am off anti-psychotics.

I think I have gotten a bit of hypochondria for two reasons. Paranoia seems to be a feature of my psychosis and because I ignored the few seizure auras in the two years preceding my grand mal in 1995 which I am still dealing with the fall out like I mention in the first post. I wonder if I had said something in 1993, could I have avoided this whole mess. They always happened in the early morning so I chalked it up to being tired. I never had MH issues until shortly after my seizure, but I don't know if it is a direct or indirect cause or completely unrelated.