[scrappyorange]

Hello

I struggle with severe anxiety. There really is no day that I live without anxiety...But, for the past several months I've been anxious about my past mistakes and guild which cause me pointless worry. I don't even know why I am going through this as things that are giving me anxiety are from years ago. I am seeing a therapist time to time but, I just needed a place to vent...I don't have anyone that I can open up to..So, here I am. Do you ever think about your past mistakes and feel stuck? I'd appreciate it if you can share your experience! It is going to be a pretty long story. Please bear with me! If you are not into reading an essay, last paragraph will explain my current situation.

The whole story of the cause of my anxiety is from my part-time job that for a year about 4 years ago. I was working below minimum wage. I knew this going in but, I was 18 at the time and it was a long time since I had work part time. I was so naive! Plus, I had just moved to the states so, I didn't know any better. I was a receptionist.

Co-worker there in the beginning were nice but soon after they got used to me, some called me fat...took a photo of me sitting without my knowledge on instagram...but, that didn't bother me as the owner did. He was very narcissistic and insensitive. He would yell at a staff without any particular reason in front of customers. He never listens to other people and talks only about him. No one really liked him but, I guess he had no idea...His presence made be very uncomfortable. He was operating a few other sketchy businesses as well. (I am sure it was illegal but for some reason he never got caught. Hiring me below minimum wage is also illegal to begin with...)

Not only was I under paid, I was asked to call a florist so he can surprise her girlfriend, call to fire one of staff members and, worst of all in a summer day, just because he couldn't find a parking spot and didn't want to risk getting a ticket he asked me to stay inside a hot car for over an hour!! Maybe I could't have turn on the AC but I have no idea how to drive so, I didn't want to press the wrong button... Even though I was hired as a part-time at a beginning bother staff were unreliable that I ended up working 7 days a week, for 10am to 8pm. But, because I was short on money and not knowing how to quit, I stayed. I came in even when there was a huge snow storm. Other people were also under paid but they were able to make tips.

The owner never bother to hire new people at my position. The management was very poor. There was no proper register or a time card. We were just asked to just type the number of hours that we have worked. Because the owner was rarely there fully, many of staff member cheated the hours for a little bit (like an hour or 2). I knew I shouldn't have done it but, I tried it a few times.... this is really out of my character and still regret to this day! There were days where the final calculation for register closing didn't match. Because, there were no proper way to keep track, there were times I will cover up the mistake just so I wouldn't be yelled at by a boss. I regret doing this too. One time, the owner called me yelling saying I have stole the money. I may have tried to cover the total but never in a million year I will steal. But, that yelling voice still gives me anxiety.And, now I have this anxiety that maybe I did steal even though I know I didn't. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to live a happy life because of this.....

Because I was so tired of the situation, I went a head and got a regular 9-5 job that paid twice as much. I told them that I can start working as soon as possible. I tried to tell the owner that I was leaving but I was too fearful of the owner that I kept missing the opportunity. 3 or 4 days before start working at a corporation, he coincidentally called me to cover a shift for another receptionist. I told him then, that I will need to quit. He then again yelled at me that I was irresponsible person. I wanted to talk to him face to face so I went to him so he will understand. He told me that I should continue to work on weekend regardless until he found new receptionists and quit after training new staff. Even though they had a manager who was also a receptionist, I was asked to train. I agreed to his deal. But, when 9-5 job started I was very tired. I still went in for work on weekend for 2 times but I had it enough. I tried to find another person that maybe able to cover for me but the 3rd weekend, I couldn't find one. On the morning of my shift I decided to write him an e-mail that I will no longer able to work for him and apologized. I also told my co-worker that I will be leaving. After that, I blocked the owner and also my co-workers from all sorts of social media and contacts so he wouldn't bother me. I haven't seen him or heard from him ever since.

I never cared about this because it already passed. But, for some reason it came back and I am overwhelmed with great deal of guilt and shame. I also have this anxiety that I my get caught for my wrong doing. I feel complete dirty for not being honest. I feel like if someone finds out about this, they will hate me. One part of me knows that this is just my past and there is nothing I nor the owner can do about this. I hated his guts but I am embarrassed of how I handled that situation.... Do you ever feel guilty or shameful of your past? How do you cope with it? I know I have learned from this experience greatly. First is to trust my intuition. I knew from the beginning that the owner was no good. Second is not to let people take advantage of me. And, most importantly to be honest. But, still the feeling of guilt and unclear anxiety are killing me inside... I always tend to run away from my problems and lie if have to to get out of it because I know the amount of anxiety from being yelled at, being in a conflict and being looked at as a bad person will kill me. I kills me because I want to be honest and face my fears.

Thanks for reading!!

[Skeezyks]

Hello scrappyorange: Well... the Skeezyks is an older person. And I have an oceanliner full of past mistakes to feel badly about. My experience is that one cannot ignore or stuff down intrusive thoughts. There is a Buddhist practice referred to as "compassionate abiding" which helps me. Here is a nice description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

There is a Buddhist saying I have sometimes used as my Signature Quote here on PC. It is from Machig Labrön, an 11th century Tibetan Buddhist practitioner: "In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition, demons are accepted with compassion." This is the essence of my approach to guilt, shame & the intrusive thoughts they engender.

[scrappyorange]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello scrappyorange: Well... the Skeezyks is an older person. And I have an oceanliner full of past mistakes to feel badly about. My experience is that one cannot ignore or stuff down intrusive thoughts. There is a Buddhist practice referred to as "compassionate abiding" which helps me. Here is a nice description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

There is a Buddhist saying I have sometimes used as my Signature Quote here on PC. It is from Machig Labrön, an 11th century Tibetan Buddhist practitioner: "In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition, demons are accepted with compassion." This is the essence of my approach to guilt, shame & the intrusive thoughts they engender.

Thank you very much for this! I will look into compassionate abiding.