[AHeartOfRuby]

I think I'm going to start with explaining the abuse: for my entire life I have been bullied, harassed, left out, forgotten and I still am whether it be inside or out of my home. I'm physically disabled, the world sees me as an easy target to take out its frustrations and it doesn't hit lightly. The first time I really remember being bullied was in first grade this girl called me a freak and I was always alone all the time in school. I had multiple surgeries throughout my life I'm a sophomore now and haven't had one in four years but that winning streak has ended I'm having possibly three this winter. The second time I remember being bullied was when I moved for the first time: I was walking in my walker down the fifth grade hallway when everyone turned around pointed and just started laughing at me. Most recently I'd have to say that people constantly staring at, whispering about me, mocking my disability and completely avoiding me could be considered bullying. You would think I'd find support at home do to my condition but really they were just as bad: my parents are divorced my dad had this girlfriend who had a son and for as long as I can remember he would physically and emotionally abuse me from scaring me in my sleep to calling me stupid to making me fall down the stairs, my older sister would help him pick on me I was once again the freak and nobody would help me. My mom is no better she's a narcissist her life is "so horrible", her "family is selfish", "the world is hell" and she's "in pain and nobody cares". I can't remember a time in my life where my mom was compassionate like truly compassionate without hissing under her breath or yelling at me later. She's constantly calling me names but kissing me goodnight, I think I worst thing to hear from her is "there you got what you wanted". I also have a younger brother who is blind and can't walk, she's the only one in our family who here's moms happy voice. I'm the middle child of five I have two younger step siblings they have a rude obsessive mother who said in court once that her kids didn't get enough attention because of my brother and I being disabled but then she's always out clubbing. You'd think her kids would hate her but in reality they love the drama they love the extra attention, once when we had just moved in with them I was in third grade my step sister and I had to share a bed because we couldn't afford any more and she tried to choke me.. like full on raged at me.. so you can see how my family is a bit rough not to mention: my always disappointed step father who smokes, my father who right when you walk through the door starts an argument and my selfish step brother along with my dad's new girlfriends daughters.

[AHeartOfRuby]

Next to move onto control, many people feel like they have no control over their lives especially teenagers and I am no exception to this rule. I am constantly not only fighting a war against my body but also my mind, right now I'm focusing more on my physical challenges. During the day I first off do not eat unless I have to, I feel fat most of the time instead of telling myself that they can tell I'm disabled I blame how bad my hair looks or that my shirt is too tight. I am one of those exceptions to the rule of control I actually can't control my body I trip, I fall, I can't get up, I have to crawl, i have bruises on my knees and arms, and I spaz all the time. I have a mixed cerebral palsy I was born three months early and many people tell me I should be dead, or if they were me they would be dead. Brushing off these comments I look for the things I can sort of control in my life i.e. my food consumption, I struggle with making and keeping friends because of my disability and so I shut people out and I'm also strong in the Christian faith. Often, though I feel like I have no control over my life, I depend on my family for one and this fact (the fact that people care about me differently than others) makes them believe me to be selfish no matter the amount of good deeds I do. I don't sleep good anymore and I'm just spinning off track but I'm still here right?

[AHeartOfRuby]

I'm sorry these posts are getting shorter and shorter it's past one in the morning here, I've just had so much going on in my life and so little help. Sure I have my single best friend and my boyfriend but they have been struggling with well me for example today I had a headache all day my only reprieve was through reading I was shaking really bad and I couldn't talk I told my friends I wasn't okay but they didn't know what to do. All my life is, is: homework, family screaming at me or completely ignoring me, sleep deprivation, coffee, school, headache repeat. My step father told me I was going to be a crazy cat lady (back when he actually talked to me) I have a hard time opening up and trusting people and apparently I'm doomed. This is the same man who forced me to talk about mature things and ripped my rosées from my hand screaming it couldn't help me (I deserved that though). My past has been coming back to me in glimpses for the past couple days when we drove up to the junior high school and I thought I saw the old counselor, we were really close and now.. this transition has been rough on me I feel so alone but I have no choice she'll move on just like me, I did promise her I'd stop in my graduating year but she thinks I'm getting better up here I'm really not and I suck at hiding it. (Seriously feel like crying right now) one reason I dislike the new counselor is because she forgets things like the fact that I don't have support at home but am in fact abused or that she's already told me three times to journal my thoughts and we'd "talk about them once a week. Once a week isn't enough I'm suffering and school is all I have last time I broke down my mother lost it so bad.. they don't understand nobody does. I miss feeling safe, I was still miserable but at least I felt safe and cared about (besides that one time a girl threatened to beat me up on Facebook) here it's every man for himself and if you fail it's not our fault. Seriously my mom freaked over me having a B in my advanced class.. my whole life is one huge headache, God I sound like my mother.