[Obscuredbyclouds]

I already made a post on here, and on multiple forums about my situation. But things just got worse. I recently used the Crisis Text Line for advice and the people I spoke to gave me phone numbers. But the problem is, I cannot call them because they'll appear on the phone bill. I cannot go to a therapist because my mom refuses to take me to one. She even refuses to let me go to my school counselor. Last time I went to my school counselor, I was in 8th grade. I was discussing my intrusive thoughts to the counselor and he ended up telling my mom. My mom was angry and said if i go to the counselor again, she will take my phone. She'll take my phone and I'll never get it back, losing all forms of communication with everyone.

Last night while I was talking to the crisis counselor on the crisis text like I mentioned how I got thoughts about suicide. (I was retelling a shortened but detailed version of what I posted on mental health forums) If you read my post I made on the forum Living With Mental Illness (from the PsychForums site) I mentioned them. But they didn't come when I was going through stress, it happened when I was on my way to New York City 2 days before school started. It was a fun trip, but I was scared because of a thought I got. I was listening to the song Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen and since I'm an aspiring animator, I imagine little music videos to songs I listen to. So I was imagining a music video thing for Born to run. One of the lines in the song is "suicide machines". I imagined a close up of Bruce Springsteen's eye and in the reflection of his eye would be weapons like guns, tanks, and a noose. Then after seeing that I started to imagine myself being hung from the noose. I got nervous and panicked but I didn't let it mull over in my head until school started. I am now a high school freshman.

On the first day of school I saw that a kid I had a crush on last year, who pretended I didn't exist after I gave him a plush and Japanese candy on Valentine's Day weekend, is in my global studies class. I was freaking out and imagined myself texting my friend "I'm gonna kill myself *kids name* is in my global class" and I thought that as a joke, it was self depreciation. Then for some reason I got a tingly feeling and then I started to feel like I was being serious. After that I kept thinking about harming myself. One example was walking up the flights of stairs in the high school. I imagined throwing myself off of it. But I didn't do it. After I started thinking like that whenever a teacher or person mentioned the future I would think "I'll be dead in the future". This happened when Bella, my dog got hurt so more stress was piled onto me.

I should also mention that my anxiety was so bad I ended up having an identity crisis. And after that I've had feelings of dysphoria and then I'd think about harming myself and that i would be happy if I died. One thought I got when I was trying to figure out my identity was that i was feeling gendervoid, but I'll only feel comfortable if I literally am a void, alluding to suicide. When my anxiety manifested I wasn't suicidal, but I remember one day in the winter time I felt really bad. I randomly thought that I would be better off dead. I felt terrible for the rest of the day after thinking that because I was scared to tell someone, whether it was my QPP or my friends. I did tell my QPP though and that was it.

The crisis counselor asked if I had any planned method of suicide and I didn't know how to respond. They also asked if I considered myself suicidal but I didn't know how to answer that. When they asked if I had a planned method of suicide I mentally said "yes". I remember getting thoughts about planning a suicide date. And that I was going to hang myself. But if I can remember I would forget about those thoughts after being distracted from doing something in school. I've never harmed myself ever and I don't plan on doing so. I got urges but I never acted upon them. But what I'm scared is that I feel like when I had feelings of dysphoria I felt happy thinking about harming myself and killing myself. And that it was calming to me. I don't know. I get in a bad mindset all the time when I bring up the harmful thoughts I get when going to the forums sometimes and then all I can think about is self destructive and suicidal thoughts. And when I do I get this feeling around my lips. It feels like a smile but when I look in the mirror it's just a neutral look. I don't know what that means. Now I'm thinking of harmful/suicidal thoughts and feel happy for thinking those things. I tried to enjoy myself last night because I was spending time with my sisters but I still kept thinking about it. On social media, seeing self depreciative jokes about suicide made me uncomfortable but now when I look at them they make me happy. But I still get a slight feeling of unease. I didn't harm myself and I won't harm myself. I just don't know what's happening now. Am I suicidal? Depressed? Anxiety? The crisis counselor said it could be anxiety but after that I thought "I'm actually a suicidal person who is using anxiety as a cover" but I wasn't suicidal when my anxiety first manifested.

And I promise I won't harm myself. I'm able to distract myself from those thoughts.

Overall, I just feel helpless. I can't call a number because it'll be on my phone bill. I can't go to a support group because none of them are close by and you have to pay for them. I confide in my QPP regarding this but he's never dealt with someone, especially someone he is close to (me) who has a mental illness. So he gets overwhelmed. He doesn't know how to help. He wants to help but he doesn't know how. I feel like he isn't supportive even though he's trying so hard to be. He also has anger issues so he lashed out sometimes because the situation is overwhelming. I got no help at all from one of my close friends in real life, who is a senior at the high school I go to. She just dismissed it as "just intrusive thoughts" and I couldn't help but feel mad at her because she was of minimal help. I don't know what to do anymore. I have links for breathing exercises and self help guides but even I don't look at them when I need to. I don't have the energy or motivation to do so. Is it because I'm depressed too? i feel hopeless and I just want to get the help I need alreadt.

Your school counselor is still your best bet. Be honest with them about your home situation and that bringing your mom into it only caused harm. The counselor would then be bound to take steps. This may involve child and family services. While yes this will cause some stress upon the family, it would result in you getting the help you need. Your mom would be legally bound to your getting help and bound to not give you any recriminations (sass or worse for going against her wishes). I'm not sure about your jurisdiction but in mine 14 is the age of consent.

Tell your school counselor you want to see a doctor. They ought to arrange this on your behalf. The doctor must keep your visit confidential.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Obscuredbyclouds: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. It would be inappropriate for me to try to suggest what all may be going on with you psychologically. This is a job for a mental health professional. Clearly you are struggling with a mixture of depression & anxiety. Plus you're suffering with thoughts of self harm & suicidal ideation. It's so sad you cannot get the professional help you so desperately need. Yes, I would presume your lack of energy & motivation is caused by your depression & anxiety. Both of these conditions sap one's strength.

Unfortunately, I don't know as there is much I can suggest here. One thing that struck me, in reading your post, was your description of your reaction to listening to Bruce Springsteen's song. (I've never heard it.) I'm not on antidepressants anymore, nor do I see a therapist. One of the things I come to believe is that it is very important, especially for those of us who struggle with depression & anxiety, to surround ourselves as thoroughly as we possibly can with positive, uplifting experiences. I avoid watching violent TV programs. I don't go to the movies. I listen to soothing music... nothing loud & abrasive. Much of the time, when I'm here on PC, I'm listening to Buddhist & Sufi chant videos on YouTube, or if not that, other types of gentle uplifting music. I think there is a lot we can do to surround ourselves in a positive, uplifting, soothing environment rather than to subject ourselves to all of the loud, negative, depressing, violent stuff that is so pervasive in our society nowadays.

Of course, I'm an older person. And what is helpful for me, may be simply irrelevant to you. But since you are apparently blocked from obtaining the professional help you need, perhaps if you can make a conscious effort to do something similar to what I do... surround yourself as much as possible in a cocoon of positivity, it may help you to feel more calm & to create a more positive outlook for yourself. I send warm hugs your way with the hope that it might be so...

[Obscuredbyclouds]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Your school counselor is still your best bet. Be honest with them about your home situation and that bringing your mom into it only caused harm. The counselor would then be bound to take steps. This may involve child and family services. While yes this will cause some stress upon the family, it would result in you getting the help you need. Your mom would be legally bound to your getting help and bound to not give you any recriminations (sass or worse for going against her wishes). I'm not sure about your jurisdiction but in mine 14 is the age of consent.

Tell your school counselor you want to see a doctor. They ought to arrange this on your behalf. The doctor must keep your visit confidential.

I wouldn't say she's being abusive to me, but just controlling. I feel like you think she is but she's incredibly stubborn and is one of those people who thinks any negative emotion is bad. (If that makes sense)

[Obscuredbyclouds]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Your school counselor is still your best bet. Be honest with them about your home situation and that bringing your mom into it only caused harm. The counselor would then be bound to take steps. This may involve child and family services. While yes this will cause some stress upon the family, it would result in you getting the help you need. Your mom would be legally bound to your getting help and bound to not give you any recriminations (sass or worse for going against her wishes). I'm not sure about your jurisdiction but in mine 14 is the age of consent.

Tell your school counselor you want to see a doctor. They ought to arrange this on your behalf. The doctor must keep your visit confidential.

I also have made an update post (which needs to be submitted after mods look at it. I am getting help slowly but surely.

[a2468jh]

Oh @Obscuredbyclouds,
I'm so sorry that you're in that position. It is no fun and it is so hard to work on all the growing up stuff that everyone goes through in addition to suicidal ideation. I can relate. I'm much older now but what you're describing sounds a LOT like what I was dealing with in school.
I don't know if i really have any great solution for you. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for stuff like this in life. While that's the bad news, sometimes it's helpful to acknowledge that it won't be solved quickly. I know i felt like I was broken and i just needed to find the magic potion to fix everything. Once I accepted that it wouldn't work like that, I was less anxious about the solution.
It's really hard to have suicidal thoughts and not want to share them because you don't want it reported... In my past I have a) lied about my age to say I was over 18 so they wouldn't call my parents b) downplayed the suicidal thoughts but expressed the depression and anxiety stuff so that the counselor would help without panicking. c) try finding an outside therapist that isn't with the school. In my experience, there is much much more pressure on school counselors than independent ones... I know some churches offer free/cheap counseling services for example.

One last thought for you. You can day dream about killing yourself. You can fantasize on the how and when and the fact that you won't be around very long. None of that means that you need to actually DO ANYTHING with those thoughts. When it happens you can say "hmmm, I'm thinking about xyz...." and then say "now I'm going to think about underwater basket weaving with horses and monkeys." and switch it up.

Good luck to you. Remember, eventually this will be a memory and you get to decide what happens next to say whether it's a happy memory or a sad one.

[ABC1357]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I've been through sort of similar situation, so I hope my experience can help you any way. I have been dealing with mental health issue nearly my entire life, but I could not seek any help to anyone until I started college. I didn't have text technology available, and same as you, calling was not an option. I didn't have school counselor available, because she could report what I told her. My mom repeatedly told me mental illness is embarrassing thing, and I believed it. I thought the best thing I could do was killing myself.

First of all, please notice, that you have every right to seek help, and it is OK to have mental issue. Parents should not prevent you from receiving appropriate health care, including mental health. I don't know your detailed situation, but it could be even abuse. No matter how much you love your mom (or not), you have right to help yourself.

Reach out to people. Explain your situation. Like your school counselor, social worker, teachers you trust. You may want to google if there's any non-profit which can support you. The longer you wait, the harder life becomes. I know it, and I don't want you to go through what I have been. Please, reach out to people. Don't give up. Someone would help you. I recommend to talk to adult than your friends.

In worst case, just surviving could be your answer. I know life seems so hard when you have no help, but survive. Once you get college, most of them have totally confidential and free (or low cost) therapy service. If you start working, you will have your own insurance, credit card etc. So you may be able to seek help as you want. Survive until you graduate high school. You will have more option and freedom once you are over 18.

If you just need to survive, having knowledge can empower you. Google and read books about anxiety etc. Have accurate information. At least, make sure the writers are licensed mental health professional, when you don't have good sense to tell which one is trustworthy. Having knowledge and knowing coping skill can help you.

Good luck.