[usehername]

Hi, I've been having several nightmares centered around things going on in my life lately... this morning's was about facing my ex in court over custody of our child (she is bipolar and has major sleep issues - something he openly blames on my "bad parenting"... I don't think he believes in MI). Someone came out to call her to the stand (would never happen here), but I had been trying to wake her for hours and couldn't. It was just past noon. It really hurt our case. Then I woke up. At 4:30am. 2 hours before I needed to be awake. It's been every night.
I never used to have dreams at all, most likely because of the xanax (daily) and triazolam (not daily). But there have been a LOT of stressors lately... so I guess that's why? I'm not getting much sleep... I'm between therapists, because I can't find a good one that takes Medicaid and honestly don't have time with my daughter's mental and physical health issues... my shrink sees me for about 15 min every three months (I'm stable on meds) and even then, costs $135 completely out of pocket + whatever he writes for (couldn't find a good one who took Medicaid - they all had to follow the book and give me meds I've already tried that didn't work for me but are favored by my state... seroquel, risperdal, lamictal... that's pretty much all they give. Seroquel & risperdal caused me serious health issues and I had to be taken off of them and lamictal wasn't enough, but when I asked for depakote, nobody was willing to prescribe it. They all took issue with the benzos, too, but I can't take ADs so really nothing else helps...).

One of my dreams was even about going to his office and having them tell me I couldn't go to my appointment because my payment didn't go through (that could happen easily).

Anyway, they're keeping me up! It normally wouldn't be so much of a problem... I usually work swing shift, so my total lack of control over my sleep schedule doesn't normally affect much. But right now I'm in a mandatory work training that's during the day (employer has to make special accommodations because I can't do days, because I can't control my sleep cycle, even when appropriately medicated)... I can't miss more than 3 hours of this training or I'll have to retake it, AGAIN. My employer was dinged by the state earlier this year because I didn't get through it on time. So I'm constantly worrying that I'm finally going to go back to sleep and sleep through half a day of it. Maybe this belongs in the bipolar section, since there's obvious overlap... IDK.

I just feel like if I could CALM THE **** DOWN, maybe I could get closer to a sleep schedule... but then again, I have never had one before (I take my meds at the same time each night, eat dinner with my kid at the same time each night, feed the animals at the same time each night, get in bed at the same time each night, etc, but when I actually fall asleep is pretty random, even on nights I take triazolam... my daughter has always been the same way, and will soon start meds for it, too).

I don't know... these dreams scare me, some of them even leave a lasting imprint for the remainder of the day because the scenarios are actually plausible... like in one, the water in the fish tank evaporated away... our water is currently shut off, so I couldn't do anything but watch my late mother's poor fish suffer. The dog's (and cats') water dish was also dry, and all the plants she left behind were about to die.

??? Any tips? So far, I've been doing the best I can to stay on my meds despite their cost (though having a REALLY hard time timing them with the schedule change), listening to relaxing music (not working since day people drive like they ate crack for breakfast - not kidding, they're terrifying and really set off my driving PTSD stuff...), and trying for whatever self-care is possible, though without water or money or food, that's really not easy... most days I've been a shaky mess, at least until meds kick in.

(((((hugs)))))

[usehername]

At least it's making it so I can get to the damn training, I guess...

[usehername]

Update: water is back on, I'm still burning the candle at both ends trying to survive (finally had to take an ADA covered "self-care" day today). These nightmares are RELENTLESS. I talked to my shrink and he said its probably stress... but ****... I'm scared to sleep!