[ThisIsTheEnd]

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[seaecho]

Quit what? Please go into detail about what is bothering you. If it is anxiety, there are medications that can help you tremendously if you give them a chance.

[benzenering]

ThisIsTheEnd, let us know how we can help you.

[ThisIsTheEnd]

I'm having some painful struggles at the moment. Being very alone in general, but over the holidays specifically right now. Having troubles at work that, while not rising to the level of dire, are none the less troubling me. I've posted here and on other forums and social spots, but every time it seems that I do or say something wrong and end up getting chased off. The first post above started out with my wanting help, but I got slapped for it.

I just really want to feel like someone hears me. But no matter what I do I feel like I'm just not very important to anyone and not worth the trouble. So, I end up spending even more time alone because I don't want to bother anyone. And then I have absolutely no hope of getting better because I isolate myself. How can I ever hope to get well and be happy when everything I do seems to just turn people away.

And it isn't that I don't appreciate your responding to basically my deleted post, but I don't know how to talk about my problems if I spend all of the time trying to not piss everyone off.

I'm in pain. That pain is not important to anyone but me and I just feel like my world is falling apart and that it's not worth continuing to fight each day when my life has such little impact on the world. I don't know how you can help if I can even tell you what's wrong.

And to be clear, I am talking about the big quit.

[Misssy2]

ThisistheEnd...I was ready for the big quit when I was about 17....my Mom had kicked me out and it was Thanksgiving and I had no one and I was sitting in the corner of a store on a pay phone crying to an x-boyfriend.

When I look back on that day...I'm thankful that x-boyfriend came and got me because I really was going to "quit" that day.

As years went on...I found many that loved me, needed me, enjoyed me...I found a job that I was good at...I had 2 children. I am so grateful I didn't end it that day because after all...at the time...no one WAS missing me at all....and today...my life isn't so great...my kids are very distant...I never see my grandchildren.

But, I have good memories of many other things...I am a good person and I know that now. I didn't know that and had I ended it...I would have never helped as many people as I have helped in my life.

You DO have a purpose...you just don't know what it is...and if you end it...you will never know what it is. I know that your post made ME not feel alone today...and that may seem SMALL to you....but it is BIG to me. I'm glad your here...keep posting please...and please don't give up.

[ThisIsTheEnd]

Missy you have no idea how much I appreciate your response. I'm sitting here crying like a baby. It means everything to me. Thank you!

I know that the troubles I have are nothing compared to others, but they are mine and they do hurt. I'm glad you have people you know that love you. I'm not even sure I love me. And as I'm getting older, time is running short to get to the point that anyone else does. I don't know how to let myself love and be loved. I really don't. And it really hurts.

I just wish I were stronger so I could find my purpose and find people who can love me.

Thank you again Missy. Really, right now I needed your response.

[Misssy2]

Hi...so..can you read? I haven't read much lately...I mean can you read like your mind can focus? My therapist told me to get this book...The Art of Happiness...I'm liking the 4 pages I read...lol.

I'm not strong either...no one loves me right now...not really...it will be a lonely holiday and I think that this holiday is making all of our PAIN much worse than normal.

Yes, you are right...I say the same thing that people have it worse..but I LOVE when you say that your problems are bad for you...I get that...I feel the same way.

Are you on medication? I"m not currently on medication and know that I need it badly and it sounds like you need it badly too. do you have anyway of getting on medication?

Medication makes a big difference in how we view ourselves....I know depression is hard to be motivated...but how about volunteering at a food kitchen? Or even going to eat at one...I've gone to eat at one...you meet very interesting people there...and you might meet someone that needs YOUR opinion and your help.

Also..look for topics on here on where you can cheer someone up..you can do it and you will feel like a million bucks...you really cheered me up...and I hope I did the same for you.

[ThisIsTheEnd]

I'm not on medication. I was but stopped when my doctor dropped me from her practice. Not for anything I'd done, she just changed how she did things and let a large number of her patients go. That was 6 months ago. I haven't really wanted to go to another doctor, so haven't gotten back on the meds. I know I should and because of how my day is going I've decided to check on it. Will try to get into a psychiatrist this coming week. edit: Have appointment this week!

I do read quite a lot. I've been trying to find something to help but nothing has really made much of a difference. I like the Dalai Lama so will try your book.

I also reached out to the local dog rescue to see if they would let me come walk their dogs. I used to do that and got a lot out of it. I know dogs can get forgotten and can use the socialization and we can both use the exercise.

Finally, I've just found a career coach to help me with my work situation. So I am trying to change myself and my life. Crummy to have to do it during the holidays, but I need to start somewhere. I really am too scared that I'll choose the big quit, when the next day something great might happen.

Thanks again Missy and thanks for being my friend.

[Misssy2]

You have an apt this week? That is great! And you are doing all great things...trying to get to the dog shelter...career coach..you are doing so much more than me! That is good.
It is the holidays...they suck badly. I hope I can get a med appt this week....

I hope the dog shelter thing works out...the career couch will work out because that is their job! LOL....

I really can't read or focus and this book does seem somewhat "uplifting' it is sitting next to me but my depression is not allowing me to pick it up.

Playing Candy Crush on Facebook helps me too...just to sit here and be numb.
Your not alone ThisIS....I wish you could change your name (maybe someday you will) to say THISISTHESTART .

I'm glad you are my friend...I needed you today and I will Thank God for you when I lay down tonight....keep posting...just don't chose that big quit...until I say it is OK...and THAT will not happen...ha

[seaecho]

I'm here also if ever you need to chat. The Holidays are rough for a lot of people. Because I lost both parents before the age of 30, I always want the holidays to end as soon as possible. Getting older is the pits. I can't believe I'm 61 already! I swear, just yesterday I was in my twenties!

And I really, really admire you for taking steps to make things better. So many depressed people don't. Please keep us posted on the psychiatrist visit---I'm sure you'll be put back on medication, and really sounds like you need it to help you battle this. I'm on daily medication, and life would be really hard without it. Anxiety though, is my biggest problem. But I do understand depression, although I've never had more than brief bouts of it. Also let us know how things go with the dog shelter! I love to hear about people really making an effort to change things, as you are. You should be proud of yourself.

[ThisIsTheEnd]

Thanks seaecho!

I lost both of my parents early as well. Dad made it to 54, mom to 59. I've just turned 50 so I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about my future. And more than that I don't want to spend another year alone without companionship. But I'm not sure how to go about that at my age. I feel young, but nervous about dating. My divorce was 15 years ago, and not a lot of dating since.

I started to feel a little better and decided not to waste it. So I got appointments made with a head shrinker and a career coach. I'm glad they have online appointments, as a lot still require you call in and who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. There are lots of dog rescues in the area so I have plenty of options. I have 2 dogs of my own so can't take any more, but I can take them for walks after being cooped up in a kennel.

Right now my work is my biggest concern as it's about all I have in my life. And my problems with work are not that big of a deal, but still bother me anyway. I seem to get along with everyone, but my new boss and I have an odd relationship. I think we generally get along, but there are days where she doesn't want to or have time to talk to me and that causes me to spiral into worry. I think it just bothers me because she's the most important relationship I have right now. Feels almost like romantic rejection, even when she's just busy. I try not to take it personally and to just get stuff done, but it does hurt anyway. And I feel so stupid that anything so minor can cause me such pain.

Thank you for responding, seaecho! Much appreciated!

[ThisIsTheEnd]

Missy, I started feeling better having messaged with you and decided to take the opportunity to get some things going. When I feel good I'm a fairly take change, get things done type of person. Of late anyway.

I do Sudoku to pass the time when I get really in a funk.

I need to log off for the night. Pups to walk and then back to work tomorrow and around people. I actually like Mondays for that reason.

[ThisIsTheEnd]

I didn't sleep well last night and I woke up early with my brain running non stop. I've decided to quit. It's just too hard to pretend that it will get better.

[Misssy2]

Suduco sp? Is really hard...I could never do that...so you are SMART too....I get the relationship with your boss....I had those feelings too....(Don't they know I AM the MOST important part of their day?)!!!

What do you mean you decided to just quit? Mondays are your days you said...You do cycle very quickly between maybe I will be ok...to NOPE I won't (I do too)...I'm waiting to call the Dr...they are not open....but glad YOU are going today...you are right?

[Misssy2]

how was the day?

[ThisIsTheEnd]

It got better. I had a meeting with my boss' boss. The VP. She's super busy but still gave me an hour, so I felt pretty good about that. We talked about me and what I can do to move up in the organization. She said a promotion is in the works for next year and that she would help me learn the right things and meet the right people. I then asked if she'd be my mentor and she agreed!!! Super happy about that! I worked for her before and we have a good relationship. Might need to explain to my boss why I jumped over her, but this is just better for my career long term.

I really was ready to do the big quit this morning. I don't know why. I didn't sleep well and my brain just kept running and worrying. I can get into a state over nothing. Sometimes it's sugar or caffeine, so I avoid those as much as possible. Sometimes lack of or poor sleep.

Back home now. Still plugged in to work, but hoping to disconnect soon.

Now that I'm away I'm starting to worry about my boss. That I didn't piss her off by first going over her head but then asking her boss to mentor. We'll see.

[Misssy2]

You didn't piss her off...and you don't have to ask permission from your boss to ask anyone to be a mentor. The only thing you would need to ask your boss about would be IF you had a work related question that should go thru her as your boss...before going over her head.

Your good...So glad your day was good....and hopefully you sleep better tonight.
I have a sinus infection that is bumming me out. Just super good to hear from you tonight...made my day.

You sound like me, ThisIsTheEnd....very emotionally reactive (if that's a term). Very up and down for no reason that I can put my finger on.

It sucks, frankly. I'm learning to tell myself that the bad moments will pass. I don't always believe this fact tho. It's a logic/emotion disconnect, that's for sure.

[Misssy2]

whats up? I told you that you didn't piss her off...she is probably happy for you hugh?

[ThisIsTheEnd]

No, she's completely pissed off.

I do like her and want to do a good job working for her, but she's just not someone that would be a good mentor. So, I need to accept that for a while our relationship will be cool and just keep trying to do good things for her. Try to make her look good. I want to do that anyway, but now need to put in a little extra work. No biggie, happy to do that.

[Misssy2]

Well she doesn't have a "professional" reason to be pissed off...so technically she can't hold it against you...she is just "hurt"..its ok (is right)...your fine....and now its all out in the open...and you can move on an be mentored!

[ThisIsTheEnd]

I agree. But she is hurt and I'm the one who hurt her. I have reasons for what I did and none of it was about her. But I have damaged the relationship we have and I need to repair it. I don't regret talking with the VP, but I do regret causing the AVP any hurt. I really do care about her. That's who I am. I care about my team and the people. It may be the way work and business is, but I have to avoid becoming jaded by being true to who I am.

She and I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon and I need to find a way to begin rebuilding things. Apologizing will come off as insincere, but I need to do something. I just don't know where to begin. I feel sick about it all.

[ThisIsTheEnd]

Met with AVP this afternoon. Cordial but a little cool. I think things might be OK if I just shut my mouth and do my job. I worry too much about whether or not she likes me, mostly because work is my life and she's the most important person at work for me. I had hoped we could become friends irrespective of work. In business it's easy to make enemies. Making friends is really difficult. I'm guessing this is not going to turn into anything more than acquaintances.

And I feel really bad about it all. My career might be moving forward finally, which I'm happy about, but I don't like who I am becoming. I have a job I love that I'm still thinking of quitting. All because I have nothing outside of work and the relationships I count on at work aren't always going to survive. I get that life is like that, but when I'm never really that far from the big quit I need everything I can get to stay positive enough not to choose that option.

I'm done with this topic. I'm just whining at this point and even I'm sick of it.