[Tives86]

I've been plagued with constant fear and sadness. I don't feel like I belong here. I hate waking up in the morning because right from the start I'm bombarded by intense anxiety. The feelings are so strong that I can barely communicate regularly with people. I honestly don't know who I am. I'm very depressed and every chance I get I drink myself into a coma. I'm extremely impulsive and reckless. I've used alcohol to self medicate since I was about 14 and I have had numerous run ins with the law and numerous arrests because of this. If I could characterize my life into two words they would be: "living hell". I don't know who I am, my anxiety runs my life, I'm always sad and depressed and have been since I can remember. I do have suicidal thoughts but I wouldn't ever go through with them. I just think about how peaceful it would be if I were dead, but I'm not selfish and I understand the pain and sadness that it would bring to my family. I used to cry uncontrollably when I was a kid and anything could set it off. My mind was always constantly racing non-stop with all the possible bad things that could happen; parents die, failed the next math test I had to take etc. But now that I'm older, I'm 30 years old, I don't care about anything anymore and I've become even more impulsive and reckless. I would never harm anyone or myself, but I tend to do things that I know could get me arrested again and I just can't keep myself from doing these things. It's almost like I'm on auto pilot and my conciousness takes the back seat. I'm more terrified now more than ever; I can't control myself and it seems that I'm on a reckless path once again. Maybe that is just who I am? I don't know, but I'm in a deep, deep sadness. I always have been, To the point where I ignore everything. I can barely feel anything anymore. Serious things have happened to me and I can't seem to convince myself to care. I can't enjoy sex, I can't enjoy any hobbies, nothing is fun for me. I'm always upset. I can't concentrate on anything and I can never make my mind up on anything. Everything is always up in the air and I'm always trying to pick up the pieces. I try my best to be normal, but I can only keep it up for so long before it falls apart. I'm just an angry, out of control maniac I think at this point. I can't even picture myself in my head, what I look like or anything. I can never get a full picture of what I look like. Life has never truly been fun for me or fulfilling, although I've tried so hard to make it more fun and find something I enjoy. I've worked so hard at it and I failed. I feel that if my life continues this way that I'll always be unhappy and I'll never be able to make any real relationship work. Is there any hope for me? Have any of you experienced anything similar? A normal life seems so far out of reach at this point and I'm scared.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Tives86: I'm sorry you are struggling. Fear & anxiety have always played a large role in my life as well. And I also harbor a lot of anger. Much of it directed at myself. Despite that I seem to have managed to muddle through. So I would have to say yes there is hope for you. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support as well as perhaps the start of a new path.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[sunnydisposition]

You'll come to know many people on psych central who are suffering equally debilitating, or maybe even worse, emotional turmoil in their lives. So know that you are not alone. Its a terrible feeling believing that we are going through the most difficult phase of our life all alone.

Alcohol amplifies sadness, fear and other negative symptoms associated with depression. It might seem like a tempting temporary fix but it actually makes depression, anxiety highly unmanageable. Maybe its time you consider getting some kind of professional help, that is if you haven't so far. Hope you feel better soon.

Sending healing thoughts,
Rd