[_berliner01]

Hi,
I am a 23 year old female (virgin) with an irrational fear of sexual intercourse, just penetration. I am perfectly ok with kissing, even giving oral sex if I was in the situation but I get anxious at the thought of receiving oral or penetrative sex. I don't know where this comes from and would like to get some ideas as to where it might and how to combat it, as I don't want it to destroy a future relationship should it ever happen. I was in a situation with a guy I really liked and we were about to have sex but I immediately couldn't go through with it, so we did other things fully clothed. It was the immediate awkward feeling at the thought of traditional sex.
It isn't the pain that scares me, it is more the awkwardness I feel at the thought of laying there having sex with a guy. I find it terribly embarrassing and I'm unsure why - so in summary it is the fact I feel extremely awkward about vaginal sex that is scaring me off it indefinitely.

Any ideas?

Thanks

It seems to me, as you have described, it is the being on the receiving end that is the issue. Do you have expectations about the act? I don't perceive it as an obligation.

You may find taking charge of things to be just what you need to do. You dictate the scenario and direction things go. You dictate the speed of things and how far.

How is your self-esteem, your level of self worth? Do you feel worthy of such attention? Is the denial of gratification some way of punishing yourself? Are you dissappointed you are not having sex? When it comes to oral sex, do you feel doing this is out of a sense of obligation.

[Shazerac]

Maybe you are someone who needs to take it really really slow in getting to the sex point in a relationship. There's nothing no wrong with that. Do you feel like you "should" have sex? Or do you really want to have sex. If the answer is should then don't push yourself or try to force yourself. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready.

[_berliner01]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

It seems to me, as you have described, it is the being on the receiving end that is the issue. Do you have expectations about the act? I don't perceive it as an obligation.

You may find taking charge of things to be just what you need to do. You dictate the scenario and direction things go. You dictate the speed of things and how far.

How is your self-esteem, your level of self worth? Do you feel worthy of such attention? Is the denial of gratification some way of punishing yourself? Are you dissappointed you are not having sex? When it comes to oral sex, do you feel doing this is out of a sense of obligation.

Hi, thanks for replying.
Yes I am ok to give, (have given oral sex once and surprisingly enjoyed doing it) but receiving is the issue at hand. The thought of letting a guy I like take charge sends endless nerves through me, but at the same time I don't feel confident or 'experienced' enough to take charge either. His satisfaction (or potential lack thereof) is one factor. To answer your question I do have enough self worth, I believe I'm deserving of the right attention so it isn't my self esteem which is causing the awkwardness/anticipation - it is something else that I'm trying to place my finger on.
Yes I am disappointed I'm not having sex given most people my age have already, but I also get that it is different for everyone. As I am progressing through my 20's I don't want this fear to inhibit my life.

[_berliner01]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Maybe you are someone who needs to take it really really slow in getting to the sex point in a relationship. There's nothing no wrong with that. Do you feel like you "should" have sex? Or do you really want to have sex. If the answer is should then don't push yourself or try to force yourself. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready.

Oh I know, I have waited my whole life at this point so I understand there isn't anything wrong with waiting. I only want to have sex when I'm in a relationship so taking it slow is key, i just can't seem to get my head around combating this awkwardness I feel at the thought of laying there, let alone taking charge.
The fact it'll be with someone I'm in love with I think makes it more nerve wracking. Thanks for your reply.

[handheart]

Well i think you just need to try once and then you will release from fear

[_berliner01]

Originally Posted by handheart

Well i think you just need to try once and then you will release from fear

Seems as I get older my confidence in the act will only decrease. 23 and a virgin is an uphill battle.

[Sad Mermaid]

If you live alone, try having sex movies on all the time, as they might desensitize you. Not necessarily to watch them, but to have them on the background.

[_berliner01]

Originally Posted by Sad Mermaid

If you live alone, try having sex movies on all the time, as they might desensitize you. Not necessarily to watch them, but to have them on the background.

I don't live alone lol. I can watch sex scenes etc, the fear is just of myself having sex.

[NUKEDANGEL]

THE RIGHT GUY OR GIRL WILL BREAK DOWN YOUR BARRIERS , if someone pushes your right buttons you will have sex, and you will love it because the time was right

[Sad Mermaid]

Can you imagine yourself riding a man who remains motionless?

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Sad Mermaid

Can you imagine yourself riding a man who remains motionless?

I can think of better alternatives to a motionless man.

[NUKEDANGEL]

Originally Posted by Sad Mermaid

Can you imagine yourself riding a man who remains motionless?

WHATS WITH A MOTIONLESS MAN. WHO SAID THAT ?????????? IF he is erect and ready he certainly won't be motionless or you shagging a corpse)

[Sad Mermaid]

The point is that the man is not actively penetrating in a man on top position, but instead receiving sex from the woman - maybe OP would be less afraid of that. Erect, sure, but as motionless (passive) as possible.

[NUKEDANGEL]

Originally Posted by Sad Mermaid

The point is that the man is not actively penetrating in a man on top position, but instead receiving sex from the woman - maybe OP would be less afraid of that. Erect, sure, but as motionless (passive) as possible.

explain please a man is not penetrating: confused: when on top ???????? its called missionary and the man goes up and down the woman dont have to move once penetration has took place .????????????

[_berliner01]

Originally Posted by NUKEDANGEL

THE RIGHT GUY OR GIRL WILL BREAK DOWN YOUR BARRIERS , if someone pushes your right buttons you will have sex, and you will love it because the time was right

Yep! Agree.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by NUKEDANGEL

explain please a man is not penetrating: confused: when on top ???????? its called missionary and the man goes up and down the woman dont have to move once penetration has took place .????????????

I concur, when the man is on top, it's considered a missionary position and he does all the work, actively penetrating and whatnot. It's basically a position where the woman has little to no control over that, or speed. It's all in the control of the man.

[Sad Mermaid]

I am sorry. I meant to say woman on top. I made no sense. Not missionary, but woman on top, riding the man. This allows for more flexibility and action on the woman's part, and I hoped it might be of benefit.