[Candace21]

I just want someone to know about my life story. I've kept most of my life as a dark secret and been facing my life man vs. mind for a very long time. The age of 6 I started getting repeatedly molested and rapped by my uncle until I was 11. At first I didn't really understand what was going on but I understood that I didn't like what was going on. I started to realize what was going on when I got a little bit older and felt disgusted in myself. I did not know what to say or do. I was to afraid to tell anyone and have the family know. It felt like as if everything broke through then I would feel completely broken. Also on top of that my grandma mother two brothers sister and another uncle was living all in the same house. While all that was happening to me I also had to face school everyday. Since day one of starting school I was bullied by these triplet boys. It started with teasing then when I hit the 4th grade it started to go into name calling. The name that was more common was ugly. No one wanted to talk to me nor even stand in line by me. Everyone would leave a huge gap Infront and the back of me. Every single day people would taunt me and I could never get a break. Middle school and most of my high school days were the worst. I became afraid of people and wanted to be alone. Anyone who would look like they were approaching me it would feel like my heart would jump out my chest. Every single day every single class I would be called ugly in any type of way you can describe ugly. Starting high school random people I didn't know or ever seen would approach me and say that I'm ugly or that their friend wanted my number and loudly there friend outburst quit playing she is ugly as "heck" and I would be silent sitting still shaking and heart racing like I was going to have a heart attack. I sat at lunch by myself and everyday someone would rudely approach me. So I started sitting on the stairs to eat my lunch but it still kept happening. So I decided to stop eating lunch and sat in the library. Do just to fast forward that was going on for years. I would cry every day for hours wondering what have I done to deserve what I been through. I've always been kind hearted and still am. To this day I am 21 with very bad anxiety. It's been that way since I was 14 and I've never gotten any help for what I been through. I currently work at a elementary school in a cafeteria and my manager and one of my co-workers just think I'm weird for all the symptoms I have at work. So far I don't know what to do. I want to get help but I'm to afraid too. I really want to keep this job though but this anxiety consumes me. I don't want people to think I'm not fit to work. I have a 3 year old daughter to take care of. I just wanted to share my life story just to get it off my chest and maybe it'll help me push forward into getting the help that I need. This anxiety messes with my life and it feels like I'm going to go insane. Especially I have a very chatty mind. I constantly think and think and I can never get my mind clear. It gives me frequent headaches and make it hard to fall and stay asleep. I'm just crying out for someone's help and advise on what I should do.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Candace21: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I'm so sorry you have had to endure so much pain in your young life. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support. I do hope that, in some way, you can find the strength to reach out, in real life, for the help you need. Seeing a mental health therapist would be a good way to begin if you can arrange it. Having the opportunity to talk through, over a period of time, all that has happened to you may help you to come to terms with it.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Unrigged64072835]

You've got a lot on your plate now, and all the childhood trauma isn't helping any. You definitely could use some help from a mental health professional.

[BlueMoonBlueEarth]

Hi Candace21. I'm really sorry about what you've been through. I can't fully comprehend the pain you must feel, but I've been bullied myself many times in my life.

Yes, the world puts so much emphasis on being physically beautiful and shame those who aren't. It's horrible. I've read about people developing insecurities and low self-esteem because of this propaganda.

Remember, what these people have called you says more about them than it does about you. You don't have to be the most physically attractive person to have worth. Even if you're not good-looking, I can tell from your post that you have a good heart.

I wish you well. Oh, and I would advise you to split your longer posts into paragraphs in future, just to make them easier to read. Okay, I'll shut up now before I sound like a member of the Grammar Police, if I haven't already.

[*Laurie*]

Welcome to PC. I hope you'll find good help and support here.

[fishin fool]

Welcome, I hope you find support here