[OliverB]

Today I went to the day hospital as always, but I was feeling a bit low (I woke up feeling bad) and didn't study while I was in the day hospital (I have an examn on Thursday).

Then I had a lot of anxiety because I didn't studied; I could calm myself around 17:30 and went to the library at 18:30 until 20:00. I studied 1h and 10 minutes (I took some 5 minutes breaks)
When I returned home I had horrible anxiety, then two panic attacks because "I haven't done enough today"

Yeah, I did some, I am over-self-demanding, I never do enough and feel useless, today it has been a particular bad day for this, normally I feel bad or wrong if I am not all the time doing something productive.

I feel I need to be always doing something productive, I can't even play videogames because even if I like them I feel I am wasting my time, it causes so much anxiety I have to stop playing or take a benzo before playing.

At night (some hours ago) the anxiety-useless-obssesive cycle began and it was bad enough to cause me to hallucinate (because of stress) I heard voices telling me how useless, idiot, lazy, etc. I am... while I was having an anxiety crisis.

I took 2mg of clonazepam and 600mg of gabapentin... feel better.... some melatonin too, vitamins, and triptophan...

Anxiety is gone, but I am worried I am being to... exigent? self demanding? What would be enough, studying 5h a day? I am not mentally stable (almost when it's about psychosis, moderately stable with mood and none stability with dissociation), but I still think or try to be an excelent student. Maybe am I asking/forcing myself too much?

I was IP in december because I couldn't take care of myself (basic tasks), now I can, I am much better... but since 2 weeks, it's not enough to be stable, but I can't stop forcing myself to almost perfection.

What do you think? Is this some kind of OCD-like thing? How can I handle it? Do you relate?

[Tylerdallas]

It sounds to me like you are trying do too much. Studying 5 hours a day is alot. Sounds like you need to set up a schedule so you can study and then take a break and get fresh air. If you set a schedule the way you want it adding breaks so if you obssess over the schedule and follow it then you have achieved everything your supposed to. Like depending on when you go to school and get out of school study from 3-5 then go out for a while your or cook a meal then go back and study more but have it set so mentally you know at this time I'm doing this. You can't study 100% of your free time, you need to live too. There's always things I think I should be doing or doing more but sometimes you just can't do everything in a day. School work is extremely important but if make yourself crazy from it that should tell you to take a break. Good luck to you and know your not alone.

[gymnastellie]

I do a very similar thing - I always feel like I haven't done enough work. Like for instance, I've been working on an assignment today, just making improvements and polishing it. I've spent around 4 hours on it in total so far, and I still don't feel like that's enough, despite the fact that I'm technically close to completing it.
In my head, it just feels like I have to get it perfect. There can't be any mistakes, and everything has to be done as perfectly as possible. I have to hit as close to the word count as I can. I have to write concisely. I have to explain things properly and to the best of my ability. It just has to be perfect. It needs to get 100% marks. And I know that is completely unrealistic. I have to stop myself sometimes and think "No, you've done enough, it's finished, leave it."

I can definitely empathise with you. I think I agree with the above poster - if you make a schedule detailing exactly when you have breaks, how many breaks you have, how long you study for, and you stick to it rigidly, then that should help. Then you can look back on it at the end of the day and think "yes, I've done enough today".
Also, don't forget that you cant get everything done in one day. Aim for 'little and often'. Go one step at a time - pick out a topic and work on it that day. Then consolidate it briefly the next day, and pick a different topic.

I hope this helps!

[Verity81]

I do the same, I am studying as I have assignments to hand in and an exam next week. I got up late as I haven't been feeling well and felt so guilty.

Then I procrastinated and finally did about 2-2.5 hours today. Even though that sounds like a lot, I don't think it is as I have really had the whole day to myself!

Thing is I have had to accept that I can't do the same thing for hours on end. Our brains aren't wired that way. We are wired for variety. I could try and do 6 hours of studying but It would probably send me mad!

Instead I set myself the tasks I want to achieve that day say, write another 500 words on my essay and finishing up writing notes on so and so topic and I do that. I like to set goals and I am guessing so do you so I set up these sort of small achievable goals and I feel productive once I have done them.

Our brains also need down time and rest, so its not a waste as it actually makes you more productive in the long run. Try to set a schedule of tasks and leave plenty of time also for breaks and stick to it as best you can. Also remember to be flexible as sometimes you may not manage all you have set yourself as other things come up such as family events or feeling unwell.

So you are not alone by any means, I will be tackling an essay I have been avoiding tomorrow so will most probably be fighting procrastination all day! but I am making time to attend a yoga class as I know downtime will help.

Good luck

Rest is productive. It resets the body and allows it to work at peak performance so you can be the best version of yourself. Ever watched the classic film "The Shining". Not a lot of moral lessons in that film but he does write a sentence over and over which has some truth "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy". Something like that anyways. The point of that is you must do things you enjoy to release feel good chemicals into your body. Or eventually you will likely crash.

I've always battled physical issues along with pain. I must rest and used to push myself far beyond my abilities and ignore my body because of a similar "drive" to do it all. I crashed, burned and am now regenerating and leaning to live a more balanced life. Physically, I can't do much at all so I'm dealing with the exact opposite of what you are except mentally I still fight myself, always thinking I need to do more, be more in order to be worthy. A self esteem issue for me and possible you as well?

with all that out of the way I know a few type A personalities who THRIVE on being productive from the moment their eyes open to the moment they close them. It's working out just fine for them aside from a little functional alcoholism, they are rather happy and would have it no other way. So not everyone crashes and some people require constant stimulation and achievement.

Just remember that rest is productive, necessary for all humans and you deserve to have balance in your life if that is what you are seeking. (((Hugs))

[ReptileInYourHead]

Hey Oliver.

I am also an overachiever, at least my idealized self is.
I want to learn to play the piano, guitar, learn a new language, get extremely fit, learn a martial art, write a book, draw a masterpiece etc...
Most times I'm tired from work and kids and honestly don't want to do any of those things, but my mind won't give me peace.
For me, I think it's because there is no peace to be had in my mind, not until I deal with my issues.
Productive distractions are great, but not if it makes you feel bad about yourself.