[slowly]

Hi all. I hope this is the right section and please forgive any grammar mistake as English isn't my native language.

I've noticed friends hugging me make me feel really uncomfortable, I get physically tense. I even tend avoid hugs and the like.
When my parents or relatives hug me, sometimes they also kiss me on the cheek, or other parts of my face, and they hug me from different angles, I don't know how to explain but it's way more intimate hugs/physical contact. So of course, this is much much worse. It literally brings me to tears. Sometimes I feel completely repulsed by physical contact of this kind. I thought it only happened because of teenager mood swings or whatever (I'm 18) but this is getting to a point where it's almost unbearable.

I feel.. dirty even, in some way, for some unknown reason, and my mind goes "what the heck".
Even today, my mom was hugging me, tears were rolling down my cheeks, she thought I was sad because of something else but really I was just feeling so fricking uncomfortable.

I've never been a fan of people kissing me and hugging me as a child either, and I've felt in a similar way even as a young girl. It's always made me anxious and uncomfortable and my granddad, uncle and aunts had this habit of doing it a lot.

Sometimes I need a hug and I ask my mother to hug me; but if it lasts more than like, 30 seconds, and if it's too intimate / if she kisses me on the cheek or forehead or neck (not in a sexual way of course), I want her to stop immediately. Even her caressing me used to be calming and now it only makes me feel like I want to puke!

What bugs me is: there's no reason why! :/
I absolutely don't remember anyone abusing me.
I've read something about repressed memories but I know nearly nothing... do you think it could be? I feel so guilty of being repulsed by my own mother's touch... it's been going on for years. And it's strange to me... I was in a romantic relationship and barely had any problem regarding this specific thing... so I'm confused! What do you guys think? Should I tell my therapist?


A bit of background: I was a bit hypersexual at 9-10... I would watch explicit videos and think, do, and say inappropriate things for my age. My first (now ex) boyfriend was 17 and I was 12, so pretty early.

I broke up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend 1 year ago. With him, I had almost no problem when it came to physical contact, except on some occasions where I would feel repulsed too. Maybe a bit less than with others (perhaps because I trusted him fully). It happened twice, max thrice. However I didn't think any of it, as it was long distance and didn't happen often - we only met once, and for 2 weeks - and brushed it off as a weird one-time feeling.

[reb569]

I would talk to your therapist about this. I also have a very strong aversion to touch and have a very strong 3 foot rule. I do have memories of abuse. That doesn't mean you were, but your therapist can help you address this.

[slowly]

Originally Posted by reb569

I would talk to your therapist about this. I also have a very strong aversion to touch and have a very strong 3 foot rule. I do have memories of abuse. That doesn't mean you were, but your therapist can help you address this.

Thank you for your reply.
What confuses me is that I don't always feel like that :/ I'm afraid it's a stupid thing and my therapist is going to think I make up things or something...

[reb569]

Originally Posted by slowly

Thank you for your reply.
What confuses me is that I don't always feel like that :/ I'm afraid it's a stupid thing and my therapist is going to think I make up things or something...

Could it be stronger when you are feeling stressed? I do find on my good days that my 3 foot rule isn't as strong as it is on days when I am stressed or anxious.

[slowly]

Originally Posted by reb569

Could it be stronger when you are feeling stressed? I do find on my good days that my 3 foot rule isn't as strong as it is on days when I am stressed or anxious.

Yes it is stronger when Im sad, stressed, or angry

[reb569]

I would discuss this with your therapist. You are not alone in this. If you are shy or introverted it could be just an extension of that. Your therapist could help you with techniques to reduce your stress, anxiety and anger, and that could reduce this aversion to touch to a level that you can live with.

Best wishes

[slowly]

Originally Posted by reb569

I would discuss this with your therapist. You are not alone in this. If you are shy or introverted it could be just an extension of that. Your therapist could help you with techniques to reduce your stress, anxiety and anger, and that could reduce this aversion to touch to a level that you can live with.

Best wishes

Thank you