[k_02]

Hi, I'm 15 years old and I hate my face. So. ****ing. Much. My forehead is too big and my hairline is messed up. I have OCD and I find myself a lot of the time messing with my hair trying to part it perfectly. This drives me insane, and the only way to stop it is by putting my hair up. But I can't put my hair up because it makes my forehead look even bigger and it brings my hairline to light. It makes me look bald almost. My face is completely asymmetrical which I am extremely insecure about. One eyebrow sits higher than the other and one eye is more open than the other. My nose leans more to one side than the other and my lips are asymmetrical as well. My nose is also too big.
I find myself crying a lot over all this. I have a lot of mental breakdowns about it. I honestly can't stand it. I haven't told anyone except my best friend who always somehow turns the subject of conversation to herself and is of no help, so I've given up on trying to talk to her.
The only thing that makes me feel better is thinking, "one day I'll get plastic surgery and I'll finally be pretty." Just thinking that can literally stop my mental breakdowns. I find myself planning out my desired plastic surgery. Thinking about how long it will take to earn the money and how great life will be after I finally get it. I know I'll have to wait until I'm out of my parents' house and have enough money because I know they'll never pay for any procedure, let alone let me get one done.
My face hasn't bugged me this much until my first year of highschool (which I have just completed). It first started when I attended my first pep rally and saw all the cheerleaders. I wanted to look like them. Ever since then my self hatred has grown. Everytime I think it can't get worse, it does. At the beginning of the year I thought I was pretty, and now at the end, I'm having mental breakdowns over my appearance and there isn't a single day I look in the mirror and like what I see. I've always disliked parts of my face, but the dislike would always pass and return later. It was never a big problem. But now it never passes.
I can't stand to be in public places or places with lots of people. I avoid areas I know will have lots of people. At school I even changed my route to lunch because I feared walking in front of so many people. I always feel like people are looking at me and judging me in their head. Everytime I hear people laugh I feel like they're laughing at me. Everytime I see people talking I feel like they're talking about me. I have a hard time keeping my head up in the halls. I can't meet anyone's eyes. This stops me from doing anything. I don't participate in any activities. I'd love to do singing and acting and dance, but I just can't. I just isolate myself.
I've recently realized that I have a spending issue from all of this. I constantly blow all my money on makeup because I believe it will make me feel better. Then when I use the products I see I'm still as hideous as ever and I usually end up never using the product again.
I find myself looking at pictures of other girls comparing myself. It's like an obsession and I could do it for hours. It's so unfair that everyone else gets to be so pretty and I'm stuck as I am.
No one has really ever brought up anything about any of my insecurities, but I feel like they bring them up to other people. People tell me I'm pretty but I obviously don't believe it. People will say anyone is pretty even when they aren't.
My biggest concern is the asymmetry of my face. It makes me look like a monster. I can't see it when I look in the mirror but I see it in photos. This is because I'm used to the face I see in the mirror. I have a medicine cabinet with a mirror perpendicular to the big mirror in front of my sink. Multiple times a day I open the medicine cabinet and position the mirror so I can see the flipped version of myself. The me everyone else sees. What I see is horrifying and it tears me down. But I can't stop looking at the flip side of myself. It's an obsession. Whenever I take a selfie I use snapchat, which doesn't flip the photo so the photo will look the same to you as you'd see in the mirror. Then I'll download an app to flip it back again to see how asymmetrical my face truly is in the photo. I never post full face photos, I only post pictures of half my face. By doing this I can make my forehead smaller, my nose smaller and my face symmetrical. I love photos with only half my face because they don't look like me.
One thing I just can't stand is when people stare at me. Especially my mom. My mom is always criticizing me and it really brings me down. When she stares at me I have a mini panic attack.
At school I feel like people just think of me as weird. Because of my appearance and OCD. I'm constantly picking at my fingers during class and messing with my hair. I also have this new thing where I have to push up my eyelashes. This routes from my one eye being more open than the other. I also have a lisp that drives me nuts.
I have no desire to maintain friendships. I ignore texts and make excuses so I don't have to go out. No part of me wants to socialize with anyone. I just want to be alone. I'm lucky my friends haven't left me over this.
I have diagnosed anxiety and OCD, also Tourette Syndrome. I do not have suicidal thoughts or the desire to die. I don't think I'm depressed but part of me feels like I am.
I don't want to go to a therapist about this a therapist can't fix my face. Even if a therapist fixes my negative thoughts about myself I'm still ugly!! I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm just so emotionally unstable at this point.

[Sunflower123]

I noticed this is your first post so welcome to PC. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and have so much distress about your appearance. Have you heard of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (I hope I spelled that right)? Have you been evaluated to rule that out? That was my first thought. If it is that it can be treated.

Are you taking medication for your anxiety and OCD?

Hello k_02, I see this is your first post so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit.

I am very sorry to hear that you are struggling so much with low self-esteem regarding your appearance. It sounds like you may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which can be crippling to those who have it. It can be addressed with therapy, and I encourage you to see one if you are able.