[dexou]

Hi, I am a girl in grade 11. My mom shouts at me a lot – I know I can’t fix her, but I want to fix my response which is at the moment to go to the bathroom and bawl there. I don’t have many friends – I am very isolated from my classmates, who are all well off and financially secure. We have no source of money and I wish I could be like my classmates who have their makeup and their expensive restaurant outings. I don’t really – but when I look at them on snapchat having a good time, I look at myself and I am unsatisfied. I feel different. I feel like an outsider in my class and anywhere I go. Our house is unbelievably cluttered and I have never had anyone over. I love myself but I don’t know myself. I don’t know who I am. Any sense of identity I had has been lost through all the polite squeezing-in to simple phrases: “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you” or “Yes” and “Goodbye”. This is all I can say. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know if I’m being myself or if I’m being like whatever I see in a movie or in real life. Whenever I go out I say forced things that I think over in my head for two minutes and then go home and consider it a successful social interaction. I am not happy with where my life’s going – it’s not going anywhere. I don’t have good friends or a boyfriend and I’m scared to speak to anyone about my issues (anyone meaning adults). My issue is:

I have trouble opening up
I have a very cluttered home – I haven’t seen the floor since we moved which is impossible to have a clear mind in
I overthink mistakes or things that didn’t go exactly as I’d planned
I feel paralyzed in social situations and just have lost any sense of self worth or identity in my trying to be like others to be accepted
I think way too much before I speak

I've also noticed that I had developed habits like biting my cuticles, playing little excerpts of music in my head over and over, and talking to myself as if somebody's watching - I would do this because I used to have very intrusive thoughts which I still have sometimes. However I recently identified these habits and mostly got rid of them.

Has anyone felt this way? If so please tell me what you are doing to cope with it.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I don't have any advice...just wanted to welcome you. Hopefully other posters will have some good advice.