[NicoleA]

I think I’ve had anxiety for a really long time, but I never put a name to it. Now it has a name and it seems so powerful. I’ve had a few panic/anxiety attacks recently. A lot of the time I feel like another attack is lurking just beneath the surface. It’s so hard to express what I’m feeling. It’s like I’m bursting with emptiness and there’s this darkness building in me that is going to take over. I want to scream and cry and tear away everything. I want someone, anyone to see me. To understand. I just don’t know how to make anyone understand. I’ve spent my entire life trying to hide the depression and anxiety, to act “normal.” I’ve spent so long being someone else, I’m not sure I know who I really am.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist? Do you take medication?

[Yzen]

NicoleA,
For me, it is always feeling my safety is under attack and at the same time, trying to keep others from knowing I am battling these feelings because I fear they won't understand. Is that similar to how you feel?

[Unrigged64072835]

It's hard to break the vigilance I feel after a panic attack, worrying that there will be another one. However, I did a lot of therapy and finally on a med regime that helps me stay calm.

Maybe it would help if you saw a therapist to work on your anxiety and depression. Meds would help too.

[NicoleA]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist? Do you take medication?

I am seeing a psychiatrist. I'm currently taking zoloft, seroquel, and the occasional xanax. We're still adjusting meds, slowly trying to figure out what works. I've tried a ton of different meds; some didn't work and others had terrible side effects for me.
I see a therapist as well. This is the 3rd one I've seen since I started about 3 years ago and I think she's a good fit. I really like her. I started out going biweekly but we've stepped it up to weekly for several months now. I find myself looking forward to our sessions but I also still have a difficult time bringing up some things. I want to tell her how I feel like I'm drowning but I can never bring myself to say it. I don't know how to just say, "I'm not doing as well as I act like I am."

[NicoleA]

Originally Posted by Yzen

NicoleA,
For me, it is always feeling my safety is under attack and at the same time, trying to keep others from knowing I am battling these feelings because I fear they won't understand. Is that similar to how you feel?

Very much so. I've had someone tell me they get it, but I just think, "how could they possibly understand." It's difficult to even feel like you can have or make friends because at some point they're going to figure out that you're not okay, you know? And who wants a high maintenance friendship with someone who flakes a lot because of their mental health?

[Yzen]

Originally Posted by NicoleA

It's difficult to even feel like you can have or make friends because at some point they're going to figure out that you're not okay, you know? And who wants a high maintenance friendship with someone who flakes a lot because of their mental health?

That is a problem with keeping friendships. I had a great friendship with a coworker and unfortunately, I sent her an email when I was having a tough day mentally complaining about a work situation I was in. She didn't reply with any kind of understanding or empathy. She said something like "Dude, you seriously need to go get some meds". She didn't know I had any mental health challenges; I had kept that to myself. So, getting a one-liner like that hurt and added a wall between us to this day. Maybe I overreacted to that response. I don't know.

[Fuzzybear]

[feeshee]

Originally Posted by NicoleA

I think I’ve had anxiety for a really long time, but I never put a name to it. Now it has a name and it seems so powerful. I’ve had a few panic/anxiety attacks recently. A lot of the time I feel like another attack is lurking just beneath the surface. It’s so hard to express what I’m feeling. It’s like I’m bursting with emptiness and there’s this darkness building in me that is going to take over. I want to scream and cry and tear away everything. I want someone, anyone to see me. To understand. I just don’t know how to make anyone understand. I’ve spent my entire life trying to hide the depression and anxiety, to act “normal.” I’ve spent so long being someone else, I’m not sure I know who I really am.

I totally understand how you feel. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can hold on. I don't have the strength to keep putting on a "brave face." Triggers are all around me. I'm running out of places to hide. It just has to get better....that's my hope. That's my hope for you too.

[caitlinluna]

Originally Posted by NicoleA

I think I’ve had anxiety for a really long time, but I never put a name to it. Now it has a name and it seems so powerful. I’ve had a few panic/anxiety attacks recently. A lot of the time I feel like another attack is lurking just beneath the surface. It’s so hard to express what I’m feeling. It’s like I’m bursting with emptiness and there’s this darkness building in me that is going to take over. I want to scream and cry and tear away everything. I want someone, anyone to see me. To understand. I just don’t know how to make anyone understand. I’ve spent my entire life trying to hide the depression and anxiety, to act “normal.” I’ve spent so long being someone else, I’m not sure I know who I really am.

I've been getting panic attacks for a little over six months now and I completely get what you mean. All the time I just think about when and if I'm going to get a panic attack. I've been turning down going out with friends whenever I'm asked because I'm just so nervous that I'll have a panic attack in front of them and I'm so scared they'll think I'm a freak and won't actually get it. I'm scared that if they do know that this happens to me that they'll mock me.