[alaralyn245]

The past couple of weeks (and really months) have been hell. I started getting worse in May. I'm a part-time student, got divorced in December (was separated for a year prior), and quit my part-time job in March. I quit the job partially because of anxiety, but my plan was to focus on school more (I'm within reach of finishing my BA). I was trying to stick out the job longer, but there was a sexual harassment issue (that I reported) and I just couldn't hack it after that. I planned to focus on school more, but have been unable to increase my class load and actually feel like I'm getting worse. I took a difficult summer class and it was hell - I finished and did well, but starting this current semester (last week) right after that everything has just felt like I'm dying. Last week my therapist even suggested going to the ER just to get meds so I could rest. I do not have health insurance and I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week, but at this moment I have no meds. I'm taking Benadryl to sleep and it's hit or miss.

I am so frustrated. I do not understand why it is so bad. I run about 20 miles per week, I eat relatively well, I'm learning some things to cope with the anxiety and panic, but I feel like this level is so, so far beyond my ability to cope. I've been on 4 different meds (so far) and had klonopin earlier this year (which I found was really hit or miss for helping). Every day is a struggle. I finally found some stable hours yesterday afternoon briefly, but it's like holding onto a branch in a swirling churn of water.

I'm not 100% sure of my "official" diagnosis, but my therapist mentions PTSD/trauma frequently. I think I have probably developed panic disorder, too. I feel like my life is in pieces and I am terrified as I feel like I am losing my ability to do the bare minimum. I've been leaning heavily on my therapist the past couple months and now I am also terrified he will give up on me. He has assured me this is not where he is, he's hanging in there with me and we'll get through this, but that additional fear is making me feel crazy right now.

I'm going to try meds again, but it's hard to feel like anything will help (though I'm trying to "observe" that thought as a thought and not let it start new panic). I am feeling hopeless.

Has anyone been in this place and made it out and gotten better? I'm so scared. I have no family and I'm single mom. I made decisions to divorce and finish school and all this other, but I didn't account for this extreme increase in anxiety and I'm afraid I'm going to bottom out. It doesn't help that I actually saw my older brother bottom out, too (homeless, in the hospital a few years ago), but he didn't the same responsibilities I do (he has been diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar depression - we grew up in a ******, ****** situation).

I need some hope.

[Terabithia]

Ask your psychiatrist if he would be willing to give you samples. My husband didn't have insurance for a while, and his doctor gave him a constant supply of abilify. Often they keep samples just for this situation.

[Leyla]

sorry to hear your going through a rough time. try writing some affirmations on sticky notes around the house where you live, i and keep looking at those. write things you are grateful for, like your kid or kids. also when you feel really anxious or panicking breathing helps too..... and meditation.

one day at a time. i too am going through a rough patch, but just trying to LIVE IN THE MOMENT as my therapist said.

take care

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Yes there is hope. Take a deep breathe, continue what you're doing and take it one step at a time. I have successfully come through a situation like yours except I was in a bad marriage at the time. It's a lot to juggle. I hope your psychiatrist can give you some relief. Hang in there. Sending big hugs.

[alaralyn245]

Thanks for replying, guys. I am actually feeling a smidge better this afternoon. Not so "crazy" and out of control. I have therapy tomorrow and then Monday (I go twice a week) and I see the psychiatrist Wednesday and I know I'll at least have a benzo to help me through this rough patch.

[Leyla]

that's good you willl get through this....ONE DAY AT A TIME...i have to keep reminding myself of that.