[Pira]

Hi all,

I struggle with that I lately have been feeling ready to discuss and work on. I have a strong fixation on and fear of violence, especially violent death. I avoid the news as much as possible because it's usually talking about terrible things that happen to people, but I still end up hearing about some things. Then I get this urge to search online for gruesome crime stories. I spend a few days in a really dark place, obsessing over the horrible things that happen to innocent people and have to force myself to snap out of it. Till the next time I get triggered by something I hear. The thought about the agony someone goes through before they die and the thought of their loved ones suffering just kill me. Just the day before they were walking around normally just like me and the next day something so devastating happens? I can't understand how that's possible. I hate even being alive in a world where such suffering exists. Sometimes I think if I wasn't alive, then I wouldn't know these things are happening and that'd be much easier. I'm not suicidal though; I just struggle with this so much that I at times wish I was completely oblivious to it. In desperation, I used to look to spiritual explanations such as people to whom that happens are souls who chose to have that experience before they came into the world for the highest good of all. Now I'm utterly appalled by explanations of that sort. I just wanted to make sense out of something senseless and it didn't work.

I grew up in an emotionally abusive home, have a highly sensitive nervous system and INFJ personality type, prone to anxiety due to both my inborn personality traits and less than ideal early life experiences, feel my feelings very deeply, contemplate life often, deeply committed to personal growth and practice meditation daily (which seems to be bringing up a lot of my issues to the surface so that I can deal with them).

Please offer me your thoughts on how to understand my fear and obsession better and how I can come one day come to a place of peace and emotional security despite there being violence in the world.

Thank you!

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with this fear. Besides working through this with a therapist, I have no advice. Hopefully others will have good advise. I just wanted you to know you are not alone....I hear and support you. Sending big hugs.

[Shazerac]

My Pdoc literally wrote. "DONT WATCH THE NEWS" on a prescription pad.

I don't have an answer about going online and researching gruesome things other than to STOP doing it. Dig deep and ask yourself if this is harmful to you. It is.

Every once in a while I get obsessed with End of The World type books. I start having nightmares that the Koreans bombing us, or Yellowstone blowing up. That's when I know I have suck it up....put on my big girl panties and put down those books. They're not good for me and I know it.

Then I'll go off and obsess with something else. LOL but I try to stick to comedy TV or romance novels until I feel more calm and stable.