[madmusican]

Today I am worrying and getting anxious, more so than in a long time. No triggers I am immediately aware of just lots happening.

No one to really talk to. Went to the docs today but screwed up speaking to him so he probably thinks I am lying now or just being silly. Should have written down what I wanted to say. Then I wouldn’t forget things and get confused. Lack of sleep probably not helping.

Scared I can’t cope. Scared I won’t cope and I will lose everything. Why is it coming back??? I thought I was over it, thought I had beat it all, the anxiety, the depression, the self harm.

But slowly it creeps back in, taking up a familiar place in my mind, questioning every thought, action, conversation.

Sorry, I needed to put it down.

[Yzen]

Try to reverse it. Get more sleep if you can and remember what helped you in the past. I hope it all moves out! There is no vacancy in that familiar place in your mind for them.

[Skanzi]

It happens. Know that. No good streak lasts forever, but neither does a bad one. You don't beat it forever. At least not negativity.

But, perhaps... perhaps you can learn to simply be at peace with it. How do you do that? Take a step back. See the bigger picture and know that it isn't always that bad. When you're so anxious and depressed, everything seems so bleak. These are just thoughts that feed on your negativity. When you're feeling positive, positive thoughts will occur.

I'm saying this to remind myself too. I know it isn't always easy. Sometimes the **** just doesn't seem fair, I know. You try so hard but still... And that counts for everybody. Everybody just tries their very best according to what they know and belief. Still there is so much suffering in the world. It seems so demotivating.

But there's hope. I look at mentors and gurus who seem happy or even blissful. They show me that there is still light. They show me certain waypoints along the path. The path itself they can not show; that's for me to figure out. But they show a possibility.

I also look at my own experience. Certainly I've had moments of happiness or relative happiness. But I don't look at that so much. It's good to remind yourself that "this too will change", that life moves in cycles. But to me, that is not vital. I've given up on trying to be happy, although my behaviour certainly doesn't always reflect that statement.

No, my goal in this life is to become peaceful. What is peace that happiness is not? Peace is... ease, distance. Being peaceful... You are not so concerned with your highs and lows but you watch it... As if you have in fact nothing to do with these highs and lows altogether. As if you're not part of it.

Can you remember moments like that? You were unhappy but you just didn't really care about it. You looked at it but it didn't feel as if it were you. Those moments... I desire so much more than ordinary happiness. Because I know happiness is so fleeting. But peace... Perhaps one day it would not be fleeting anymore. I want to experience that but I want you and everybody to experience that too.

I don't know if that helps you. It's a perspective but you don't have to accept it if you don't want.

You said you had nobody to talk to. If you want, you can talk with me. I'm trying to be a more open-hearted person. I'd like to help.

I'm not online here too often, nor do I check the inbox here often. So if you want, just contact me on my phone number: +31627544818. Not sure if posting phone numbers is against forum rules or not, but I'll leave it here for now. I don't mind. Don't be shy to contact me. I'd like to be of service. For that matter, it is okay for anyone reading this to contact me if they want to talk. I'll try my best to listen more than to put out theories. Unless you ask, of course.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by Skanzi

Not sure if posting phone numbers is against forum rules or not, but I'll leave it here for now.

I didn't see any actual prohibition in a quick scan of the FAQ, but it might be better to make the offer to give it out in private messages.

It's wonderful of you to offer.

[Sunflower123]

((((Hugs))))