Okay. Things are better this year, so far. I have to pay attention to that. I can feel the anxieties wanting to bubble to the surface, so maybe acknowledging them, instead of trying to ignore them, will help me stay on track.

First, weirdly, there’s a part of me that’s uncomfortable with how much better I’ve been doing. I mean, I’m not great, but I’m not terrible, either, and that’s a big deal. I’ve spent so much of my adult life worrying, that when I’m actually able to take a break from it, I get scared that I’m digging myself into an anxiety-debt, and it will all come forth in a huge meltdown at some point.

Second, I’m going to my mom’s house in a few weeks for the holidays. Her and I usually get along, but her anxiety and depression rub off on me pretty severely. I’ve had some of my most drastic and dangerous thoughts about myself while trying to console her, and she has a way of choosing words that are subtly hurtful, and bore under my skin for weeks, though she doesn’t mean them. Also, even if she’s perfectly fine during my visit, I’ve had a few nasty meltdowns while staying at her place just from being away from my own private space and life. I love her, but it’s not a happy place to me.

Third, I’m still very scared about getting through the first three months of the new year. These have always been the darkest and scariest months for me, when my OCD thoughts can get extremely creative and outlandish, and drag me down to the lowest depths of anxiety and hopelessness. I do feel hopeful that I’m doing better right now than I have done in previous years at this time, but I’m still extremely nervous about the next few months.

I know I can handle all this. I’m doing okay. I have a few bad days here and there, but that’s universal, and nothing exclusive to my situation. It’s normal. I will keep managing, and keep working things out.

[avlady]

You sound pretty positive about yourself, i mean you know your limits and can contain yourself around your mother, as for your anxiety i can relate, if things are going good i get scared too from catostrophic thinking and just wait for something bad to happen. I just have to think everything will be ok. good luck

Originally Posted by avlady

I just have to think everything will be ok. good luck

Thank you. You are right. I've never been one to trust myself when I say "things will be okay", but I really do feel like I have to at least fake it 'til I make it. I kind of have been doing this lately, and it may be helping.

Bjornen, huge hugs to you. Would like to recommend a book: When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. Don't feel like you have to read it. But during my own hard times, its really helped. That being said, you are not going through a hard time. So maybe its just something you can come back to.

I think its a normal thing to be afraid that things are going to go back to ****, when you are happy. or, to be afraid that it won't last. At the same time, it is not a comfortable feeling, fear and dread. One thing that brings me solace is that emotions are not stagnant. Happy ones, or sad and anxious ones.

I really like what AVlady said, too. I think you're gonna be ok. You're a bright spot. And with your mom, you can set a boundary if you need, even if you don't say it directly to her, and you know your limits.

Originally Posted by starrysky

Bjornen, huge hugs to you. Would like to recommend a book: When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.

I actually have read that, as well as The Wisdom of No Escape, also by her . My mom is a practicing Buddhist, so I get a lot of these books handed down to me .

Whoa. Ok. (((((Bjornen)))))

[taybaby]

You can handle it! You sound very insightful and capable of dealing with whatever life throws at you!

[Sunflower123]

That’s good news...a positive trend. I’ll be thinking of you and sending you positive vibes while you are at your mom’s house and hoping everything goes better than expected. I agree...you sound very insightful. Sending big hugs.